Three weeks into grad school. . .

. . .and I'm still alive. Exhausted, but still kickin'.

Week one: The seduction.

I obviously had tons of emotion going on the first week. I couldn't believe how nervous I was! Going back to school brought back all these anxieties about the first day of classes that I hadn't had since getting dropped off at college! Were people going to like me? Would I be dressed the right way? Was I going to make friends? Would I say something stupid? Would everyone be intellectual snobs and think I was beneath them for being into entertainment journalism (like my husband)? All this plus my general dislike of going to events knowing no one made me one big nervous nelly.

Then there was the excitement of just doing something. I've was unemployed for a good eight months, and it was something of a thrill to feel like part of the world again, to be one of the millions treking into the city to do something. And not just something. I was on my way to Times Square to become a writer, a journalist. I had a purpose again, and it felt good.

I went to school and up the elevator. The doors opened, and the whirlwind of the next 16 months of my life began. I met tons of people. They met me. They were nice. I liked them. They liked me. I ate free food. I drank free coffee. I relaxed. I sat through many lectures, some interesting (Dean's welcome) some not (Research services). I broke my laptop. I drank free booze. I spoke Spanish. I went home. I became Facebook friends with about 57 people. That was my first day.

Week Two: The Tease

My first week of classes began. I had that nagging anxiety again, but not as badly. It's the fear of the new. Cliques were forming, friendships were developing, I noticed a budding romance. I feel conflicted about this. Part of me wants to throw myself headlong into meeting people, going out for margaritas and asking people to lunch with me in Bryant Park. But I'm married. I've got my man. I have my dog. I have my friends. These people deserve my time too. But I don't want to distance myself from my new colleagues, or miss out on a new lifelong friendship because I'm so devoted to my home life. I'll figure it out. I'm meeting some cool new people. Classes were. . .classes. The same ole' introductions and class syllabi rigmarole. I am inspired by my teachers. Well, more by their other jobs than their teaching, so far. A lawyer for the New York Times here, a host for NY1 there, a writer for Brian William over to my left, and an NPR lady thrown into the mix. More than anything I wanted to jump in. I wanted to write, to report, to use all this glorious equipment I was being shown. I did my first "reporting," but it was more of a tease, asking softball question to people on the Brooklyn Promenade. Granted this was a self imposed easy assignment I gave myself. I needn't had worried. There were plenty of challenging assignments in my very near future.

Week Three: The Honeymoon's over

After getting into a nice rhythm during my first week of classes, I had a four day weekend. I spent a glorious and drunken weekend up in the Berkshires. By the evening of Labor Day, I was a nervous mess again. I was dreading another brutal current events quiz from my Craft I teacher. I poured over CNN and the New York Times, trying to absorb what humans had been during in the three days I had been unplugged from the world. Of course he gave the quiz. I did marginally better than the previous week. I love that part of my grade for a graduate level course involves knowing who Tila Tequila is (it was a bonus question, but still).

Then the first "brutal" assignment came. I had to ask strangers what they thought about Swine Flu, Obama's Education Speech, or Van Jones, and write a story incorporating quotes into the story. Going up to strangers and asking these questions was akin to slowly driving nails into my eyeballs. Extremely unpleasant. Come to think of it, it's more like approaching some hottie at the bar. You're dying to be received well, have a lively, interesting conversation and, to seal the deal, get those digits. I've always dreaded that. The approach at least. Still, I completed the assignment, and my skin thickened just the tiniest bit in the process. Every day I feel more and more like a journalist.

Now I've received my first real assignment for Broadcast! One and a half minute piece about whatever I want. Think I'm hittin up the Brooklyn Book Fair on Sunday. If you see me out in the field, come over and let me interview you. Fellow Jschoolers, how have your first three weeks been?

New respect for Taylor Swift

I just caught the Princess of Country on CMA Music Festival, Taylor Swift on ABC, and she seemed to be singing at Madison Square Garden, although it was a bit unclear. I must say, I was quite impressed with her maturity, control, and appearance. Also, she sounded pretty fraking good. I have to admit Swift has annoyed me countless times, but I place blame more on repetative radio stations more than on the artist herself. The New York Times also gave her concert a very favorable review.

Swift's restrained behavior stands in stark contrast to her skanky twin sister of pop-country, Miley Cyrus. While I find the "scandal" over Cyrus' "pole dancing" at the Teen Choice Awards absouloutly ridiculous, the performance was in poor taste for a teen audience. I don't think I have to say that I enjoyed the performance immensely.

Why do I get a feeling that Swift is to Cyrus as Agilera is to Spears? I get the feeling Cyrus is on a fast track to hot-messiness, while Swift will keep her class intact as she grows up. Any thoughts on either of these mavens of teen pop music?

I'm baaaaack

Dearest Friends, Family, Fans, etc.

As my dear brother pointed out this weekend, I was remiss in informing everyone that I was taking a leave of absence from my blog for the summer while I was traveling.

Sorry. Didn't mean to leave you all hanging like that.

Indeed I was away taking a long awaited honeymoon with my husband in England and Italy, as well as visiting with family both in Massachusetts and Wisconsin. Hopefully I can get to posting about my various activities over the summer soon. In the meantime, you can enjoy some photos of my adventures below.

Enjoy!

-JB

European Honeymoon

Oscar gets interesting

Variety this morning is reporting that members the Motion Picture Academy, those good people who hand out a little statuette named Oscar, announced that this year there will be TEN nominees for Best Picture. How interesting! Has this come about from flak the Academy received for not nominating fan favorites such as Wall-E and The Dark Knight? Or is it more of a clever ploy to help nominate more mainstream films, thereby generating higher viewer interest and ratings?

I'm guessing it's a combination of the two. Plus it will lead to more stuidos shelling out big bucks for "For your consideration" ads. Which probably helps the academy in some way, I'm just not quite sure how. Variety has got to be loving it though.

Ten movies is a lot! Are there any that have come out so far this year that has caught people's attention as a contender? Can a comedy make its way into a coveted nominee slot? Could Up, Startrek or a documentary make the cut?? Exciting implications abound with this announcement.

9, or make that 5 reasons to get excited for 9

One of the highlights of seeing Drag Me to Hell, beyond the scene where our heroine knocks over a corpse at a funeral, only to have it land on top of her and vomit onto her face, was the stellar trailer for 9. Ok, it's not the best title in the world. Even "The 9" would have been better. While it is simple and a bit mysterious (especially done up in all that green glowy mist), it can easily lead to conversations such as:

"Dude, I'm so excited to see 9 tonight!"
"Uh, see nine what?"
"No, you know, 9, it's a Tim Burton movie"
"Oh yeah! That dude is messed up. Why is it called 9?"
"I dunno man, it's about 9 living dolls that live in an post apocalyptic world and fight these evil machines"
"Hmm, yeah, sounds messed up. Why didn't they call it The Nine? Has a bit of a catchier ring to it don't you think?"

If you couldn't tell, that was me as Dude 2, losing another friend. But enough about the title. This movie is giving me the shivering-willies in the best way possible. Why several reasons

1. I totally dig post-apocalyptic themed fare, and this one fists the bill. The art direction looks quality, and sets the mood just right.
2. It's about time we had more adult themed animation. I still haven't checked out Waltz With Bashir, but beyond that I can't think of any other recent "mature" animated films. Sorry, but I'm really not into the Pixar films that everyone says is "not just for the kids!" Both Finding Nemo and Wall-E bored me to tears. I'm also interested to see how and to whom they market this film. It could be quite tricky as the animation angle will skew towards younger folks, but many images from just the trailer are damned near terrifying.

3. Who doesn't love evil robots? By the end of this summer audiences may be entering evil-machine fatigue after Terminator 4 and Transformers 2, but hopefully the new IP will renew interest. And just check out these freaky red eyed baddies. Waaaaaay more scary than anything from the latest Terminator.



This last picture of the bipedal AT-ST type robots reminds me of War of the Worlds and The Tripods trilogy by Samuel Youd. Both super creepy.

4. Tim Burton executive produces. The name speaks for itself. Tim Burton isn't afraid to go there and get super weird, freaky and scary. It was very smart to place this property under his control.

5. It's directed by Shane Acker, the original mind behind his award winning short. Check it out below. Anyone else excited for this pic?

All pictures property of Focus Features

Frak me!! 24 might actually be good next season!

I used to love 24. I hope to again.

Strangely, my mom turned me on to the once sterling series. She was obsessed with the first season, and I would listen to her go on and on about a so called Jack Bauer and what a bad-ass he was and while it sounded mildly interesting, I don't like to get invested in series mid-season. So I filed it away in my head as something to check out down the road.

Then, in preparation for a leisurely summer in Cape Cod with my ex, I purchased the first season on a whim and Oh. My. god. Obsession. The first season TOTALLY blew me away and remains in my mind one of the best seasons of television ever produced. For about two weeks my ex and I would stay up way too late into the night nervously clutching each other as Jack Bauer rode in like a one man army, shooting first and asking questions later. And cutting off thumbs. Everything about it was just amazing. The then-fresh counting clock. The crazy action scenes. The techno-cool CTU. The cliff-hangers (just one more episode. . .?) The torture! The twists and double crosses (remember when Kim's friend's "dad" enters her hospital room and smothers her? Chills!) This woman:
the pre-Obama black presidential candidate, the devastating ending. It was like an emotionally gripping, unrelenting triple A action flick. Yeah, I liked it that much.

I became a rabid fan. I named my cat Chloe. Then, like another stalwart fav of mine I recently commented on (cough, cough, Lost), season by season, 24 slowly and painfully descended into a parody of itself. It all felt recycled, forced and overdone. Jack tortues another terrorist. Ho-hum. His family is in danger? Shocking! A double agent in CTU? Yawn.


But now, I see a light bright new dawn. Two things have me really feeling hopeful. The first: 24 is moving to New York City. I don't know why they didn't do this 7 seasons ago. While LA worked well for the first season, the locations quickly grew stale and the wide distances they theoretically traveled in like 4 minutes broke the realism of the show. Plus, LA is well. . .LA. Do terrorists really care that much about blowing stuff up there? Threatening New York will really bring back the sense of danger and realism that has hurt the show in recent seasons.

Second, and more exciting, is the addition of Katee Sackhoff to the cast. For those who don't know Ms. Sackhoff, she played the intractable Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica. For those of you who haven't seen BSG, well, you should. Michael Ausiello is reporting on ew.com that the BSG alum will play Dana Walsh, "a highly respected and down-to-earth data analyst at the new and improved New York branch of CTU." Sackhoff was far and away my favorite actress from BSG (well, except for Michelle Forbes' hardcore lesbian Admiral Gale), but she did have a lot to work with, seeing that Starbuck was one of the most compelling roles from the show.
It would be a shame if Walsh doesn't get to see some action in the field, as it's always a hoot seeing Sackhoff be a bad mother (shut yo mouth!). That said, if Walsh is written as a more mild mannered role, it will be interesting to see if Katee can stretch her acting legs and break out of her woman-with-a-chip-on-her-shoulder mold. Still, she'll be working with Chloe, and anyone in that role will need serious balls. Finally, while it was certainly a lot of fun watching Starbuck bed every hot boy toy on Galactica, this woman is screaming for a meaty lesbian role. Freddie Prinze. Jr. as her love interest? C'mon guys, you can do better than that. Or can you? I'll be tuning in to see if 24 can resurrect itself next season. Will you?

Drag Me to Hell: a horror lover's thoughts

So I went to see Drag Me to Hell last week, on the recommendations of many respectable critics. I was mightily entertained and often found myself contracting towards the fetal position, gasping, hands placed over mouth for much of the movie. This behavior was usually followed by hysterical laughter prompted by the ridiculousness of what I had just seen on screen (think old gypsy woman missing her dentures doing what could only be described as aggressively "slimeing" our heroine). To me, this is the cardinal hallmark of a good horror movie. Any material that prompts me to physically react to it has been well executed. Bonus: There was a lot of body fluids being shot around in this movie, usually into other people's open orifices. Loved it. Also, this movie should win awards for best sound effects / sound editing. I challenege anyone to find a film with more effective use of squishing noises.

However, a horror movie cannot rest on quality gross out scenes alone. It's unfortunate that the scenes of grotesquely indulgent fun were bookended by cheesy, mood breaking, treacly encounters, usually involving the unappealing Justin Long. He really grosses me out, and any suggestions of a sexual relationship between him and the lead left me feeling queesy. Had Long been replaced by a charming, attractive love interest, the movie could have been risen above the mundane, but just barely.


The writing and logic of the scenes that took place between attacks by the lamia (amazing name for a demon) were dealbreakers. This woman would be losing her shit. She is violently assaulted by an old gypsy woman, told by a seer that a curse is on her, and is then attacked by invisible forces in her kitchen, chased upstairs and flung around her attic by a demon. She would be going bat-shit crazy. Instead, she decides not to relate any of this to her boyfriend, but instead agrees to spend a leisurely evening getting dressed up and meeting his folks. Then the next day she walks into her bosses office, casually chatting with him as if she hadn't projectile nose-hemoraged onto him the previous afternoon. What? No. I don't care if you're making a pulping gross out horror flick, the logic still has to be there.


Certainly any fan of horror flick should check out this movie, just don't expect a grade-A experience throughout the entire movie, as some other critics have suggested. Still, it's a fun ride and probably more entertaining that 90% of the summer schlock available right now.

My grade?

Memorial Day Weekend Marsha Day Madness 2009!

This past weekend I participated in my 2nd annual Marsha Day tournament sponsored by MTG AKA Metro Tennis Group AKA Gay New York Tennis. Unlike all the other GLTA (Gay & Lesbian Tennis Association - sorry for all the acronyms) tourneys, this one is open to only members of the New York group. Because of that, I find Marsha Day to be a bit more relaxed and easy-going than other tournaments. Most people know each other and have played with each other many times before so it's also a big homo gossip fest and a silly good time. On the other hand, the competition can be fierce as old rivals square off and burried annomosities sometimes rear their ugly head.

I don't get involved in that shit. Due to my living below the poverty level economic status, I hadn't been playing much tennis and wasn't expecting much so I was just hoping for some competetive matches and to be entertained by lots of tennis gays queening out.

As fate would have it, my first match was against my co-founder of The Soceity of Hotness: The Official Balthaser-Hormillosa Fan Club, JP.

It was an early match, at 8am, so I don't blame most of our fans for not showing. You girls need your beauty sleep! I had never beaten JP, but our confrontations have always been competitive, so I knew I was in for a good match. I started out real shaky but then picked up my game, almost bringing the first set to a tie breaker. The second set did go to a tie breaker which I narrowly pulled out. Then we went to a 10 point super tie breaker for the third set and indeed the match. JP seemed to kinda lose it in the super tie breaker - it must have been all the papparazzi and photos distracting him. And I had Rick and Baby Reno there pulling for me. Thanks boys!


I pulled out my first C win 4-6, 7-6, 10-4 (or something like that).

My second match did not go so well. I lost 1-6, 1-6 to David Hart. He's a tricky sly fellow, and I found I really need to work on my drop shots and consistancy if I want to be competitive in C singles.

Meanwhile, Rick was burning through the draw. On the top of his game, he was powering past opponents, leaving them shells of shame. I mean, just look at his focus and determination. That's my man.


Neither of our doubles matches went particularly well - in that we didn't win - Charlie and I put up a mighty fight but I hit too many unforced errors and it was a rather dissappointing loss given that we could have - and should have - won. So after that I was out, but was pleased that I had beaten JP for the first time and won my first C match.


Flash forward to Monday for the Marquee Matchup - Tim Robinson vs. Rick Smetana in the A Final. This was definitely the best match of live tennis I've ever seen. They are good friends, both knew each other's playing style intimately. At first, it looked like Rick was going to roll over Tim. He won the first set 6-2. Then, Tim turned it on and fought to bring to a tiebreaker and win that for the second set. The third set was just amazing. These two had played probably 20 matches combined in the past three days and were playing 110% in the blazing sun. They were exausted but were just slamming the ball back and forth for crazy rallies. Tim dug deep, went ahead early, and Rick could not pull back in front. Tim won 6-4.


Afterwards, they said how they were feeling during the match:

"I almost threw up on the court" - Tim
"I almost cried at one point" - Rick

Now that's some good tennis!

Afterwards we went to Bamboo 52 for some fun times and delicious drinks. Enjoy the pics! Thanks to Odin Medina for some of the pics

The A Finalist and Champion

Goodbye for good

Dear Lost,

By the time you read this I'll be gone. I know we've had a tumultuous relationship over the years. We've laughed, we've cried, we've dodged polar bears in the jungle. You've excited and scared me more than anyone else since some of my first loves. . .Star Trek TNG, 24. . .but this isn't about them. . .it's about us. And were over. Once and for all. I know I've said that before, only to come running back to you and your Smoke Monster loving arms. But this time I mean it, were through. You'll have to employ one of your oh-so-clever flashbacks to revisit us in happier days.

When I first caught a glimpse of you when we would pass in the hallways, I thought you were a bit shallow. I've been around the block a few times, and I thought I'd seen the likes of you before. The Blue Lagoon, Lord of the Flies, hell, Robinson Crusoe beat you to whole dangerous-tropical-island thing by over three hundred years. Still, I kept hearing gossip about you. How hot you were. That you were smart, deeper than meets the eye, and surprisingly emotional. How much fun you are at a party. Your mysterious, dangerous past. I became intrigued. So, I took a shot in the dark. I said "hey," and you said "hey" right back. After several Wednesday night dates, I was obsessed.

It was love. Time passed as if in a dream. You were full of surprises and intrigue, and I loved all of your zany friends. All those nights taking walks on the beach, making out by the light of the Hatch, well, I'll never forget them. I wish we could go back to that time. I thought you might be "the one," but I admit, I began to get bored and frustrated by you a little bit. Your once titillating secrets were becoming confusing and a source of concern and I started to believe you were just making up stuff to try and and stay interesting, like some epic poseur. Some of your new (and old) friends were really annoying. I mean Niki and Paulo? Really? Where did you drag those winners up? All your little allusions, and clues, and surprises that used to seem so fresh, well, they got stale. And I thought it was just plain weird how there were all those random people who would hang around you and you would never introduce them to me.

I don't want to rehash how we broke up; it was ugly and we both said hurtful things. We both went our separate ways. Then, I found all these videos off you on the web. I was simultaneously disgusted and strangely excited to find out what you had been up to while I was away. You seemed to have gotten some of your shit together, and then flash forward and BAM! you were the talk of the town again! I shouldn't have done it, but I took you back.

The next year was, predictably, up and down. I liked your new friends, the Freighter folks, and you seemed to be opening up some about your mysterious past. Still, whenever you would confide in me one of your secrets, you reveled something else even more deeply buried. You still wouldn't shut up about your annoying friends Jack and Kate, and sometimes you would just babble on and on about your friends whose motivations I never quite understood. Still, I stayed by your side, perhaps bouyed by my memories of the golden years, hoping you'd get back to the way you were back then. Then, this year, it all began to unravel, again. Your stories got more and more preposterous and I just could go it on faith alone. You promised me I'd understand it all eventually, but I ran out of patience. I mean REALLY? Jack went to this father's house and stole his SHOES and put it in Locke's COFFIN? I just couldn't humor you anymore; I was bored again. Plus, American Idol is a better fuck.

Sorry, that was inappropriate. I know what a wreck you are these days, and I'm worried about you. So when you called me drunkely last night and asked to meet me at the diner, I agreed. You spilled your heart to me, but it was like you were a completely different person, like I didn't even know you anymore. I mean yeah, some things are still the same. Jack and Sawyer were still at each other's throats. . .that's just thrilling. But Sun is hanging out with Richard and the Others? And Jack is throwing nuclear bombs down big holes? And Juliet falls down said hole and survives? And then detonates said nuclear bomb with a fucking ROCK?! Oh no, Lost, oh no. You've really gone off the deep end. I have to cut off all communication. You need help. You need to go away for a while and work some of your shit out honey. I'm through with you. Goodbye for good.

Oh Jesus, who am I kidding? I will always love you in my own weird way. Call me next year, and maybe, just maybe, we can get together for coffee and talk.

xoxo
JB

I'm gonna be a reporter!

No, seriously, I am. Just hold tight. I realized I never updated all my adoring fans with news of my graduate school hunt. Well, the long wait is over. I will be staying in New York City, attending the CUNY Graduate School of Journalism. This development is good for three main reasons:

1. I get to stay in the city that never sleeps (and where my husband has a job)

Yes, my feelings about New York over the years have fluctuated like the 2009 DJIA, but overall, I really do love this city. And what better place is there to learn to be a journalist? None, that's where. Another bonus is that we don't have to pack up and haul ass across the country because then Rick would have to find another job and Kippy would probably vomit in the car.

2. CUNY is astonishingly cheap, and I got a scholarship!

Tuition per semester for New York State residents is $3,765. Yes, you read that right, that's not per class, or per credit, but per semester. And that cost even includes all those bullshit extra charges schools like to throw at you like "student activity fee" and "Consolidated Fee." Please, tell me, what the fuck is a consolidated fee? Even better, I received a scholarship that will basically pay for the entire first semester. I can't think of a better situation than getting out of grad school (basically) debt free.

3. The CUNYGSJ is actually a great school and will prepare me well to be a top notch journalist.

Yes, I said actually. That's becuase the perception of CUNY is something of, well, a sub-par school. That's been my perception as well. Because let's face it, it ain't NYU or Columbia. This is a public school, and that's just fine with me. However, it's quite a about face from the wealthy, white kid world of Skidmore. I have to over my elitist sensibilites and learn to say CUNY with pride. And the thing is, it's hard to actually know how good the Journalism school is, because it's brand new. The school opened it's doors in 2006 and therefore has to build its reputation. Still, I have spent quite some time at the school and there is an exciting energy that permeates the facility. Their focus on building marketable skills and training students to be become "all-platform journalist" is way ahead of the curve. As reported last month in a New York Times article, the school has done away with track requirements and now students can choose classes to acquire skills that will most benefit them. Like most schools, I will get out of the school what I put into it and that presents me with a healthy challenge, which is good for me. My future awaits. . .

My long lost other brother?

No less than TWO people today have told me I like like Chris Pine, who plays Kirk in the new Star Trek movie coming out this month. Ok, so one was prompted, but the other person was a beautiful latino guy with sexy arms. What do you think? Separated at birth?

Tribeca Report: The Girlfriend Experience

I've been volunteering at The Tribeca Film Festival this week and by working connections and some old fashioned luck, I was able to get into The Girlfriend Experience, followed by a Q&A panel with director Steven Soderbergh and its stars, including real life "adult film" star Sasha Grey.



Hookers have feelings too. Yes, we've known that for ages, thanks to movies like Pretty Woman, Nights of Calabria, and even Moulin Rouge!, but rarely do we so such an intimate look into the life of a callgirl. Soderbergh breaks with convention by casting relative unknowns in the staring roles. Christine is portrayed by Sasha Grey, a well known adult film star, and her boyfriend Chris is played by Antonio Sabato Jr. look alike and film newcomer Chris Santos.

The plot follows Christine through her day cinéma vérité-style as she meets with clients, shops for expensive duds, meets with business advisors, and works out. Smart, business minded and confident, Christine seems like she's got it all together. However, when she meets a new writer client who makes a good match according to her personology books, her life gets turned upside down.

Soderbergh seems to be smirking as he toys with the audience in this film. For one, the movie is about a hooker, played by a porn star, yet there is no sex in the movie. For Ms. Grey, who has been filmed doing just about every sexual act one could conceive of and has anal sex "in almost every scene," the shocking thing in The Girlfriend Experience is that the audience barely catches a glimpse of her nude body.

He says the title refers to a type of hooker who provides more than just a quick fuck. Additionally, she provides "the girlfriend experience." That is, she's classy, clean, smart, and charismatic, and gives men a tantalizing taste of what it's like for her to be his girlfriend. In the movie, Christine is being interviewed by a New York Magazine writer who is dying to get inside her head. He wants to know what makes her tick; just like her clients, he's as interested in the girl as he is in getting under her panties. And here, Soderbergh is playing a similar game with his audience: can this porn star actually act? Most people know going into the movie that there is no sex, yet we are still drawn to the novelty of seeing a porn star in a more mainstream movie. We are as interested in her non-sexual skills as we are in her ability to be anally penetrated.

As it turns out, Ms. Grey can in fact act. She brings a cool, confident presence that dances between seductive and bored to almost every scene she's in. Christine comes of as selfish, yet strangely likable; when her armour finally cracks we feel protective of her rather than glad she's gotten her comeuppance. Topical and engaging, The Girlfriend Experience is an enjoyable film staring a likeable and intruiging new talent.

My dad grew up here. . .

A great counter to the Drew Carrey show's "Cleaveland Rocks!"

Yesterday I saw a man angrily banging on a payphone and had the same thought: "who the fuck still uses a pay phone?"

Robot Dinosaurs That Shoot Beams When They Roar

. . .is definitely the best name for a video game that I've heard in a long time. Um Jammer Lammy comes close but RDTSBWTR is still way better.

Plus it's free, and takes 5 minutes to beat. Plus, best roaring in a videogame to date. So check it out.

ROBOT DINOSAURS THAT SHOOT BEAMS WHEN THEY ROAR

Dreams do come true

I just received this in my inbox:

Hi, Jonathan Balthaser (jrbspice).

Britney Spears (britneyspears) is now following your updates on Twitter.

Check out Britney Spears's profile here:
http://twitter.com/britneyspears


Best,
Twitter

Just need to rope in Lady Gaga, and I can die happy. . .

Say hello to your newest Olympian

Nastia Liukin? Amateur. Micheal Phelps? Second rate pothead (not that that's a bad thing). Shawn Johnson? Dance out of the way, girl, and make room for a true champion: me. While I may not have gone home with a medal yesterday, I can proudly say I am one of the original Olympians at the first Unemployment Olympics.It's the stuff of legend: Strolling through the East Village with my trainer Kasim, we came upon a large group of people congregating in the basketball courts at Tompkins Square Park. A beautiful hand made sign told me we were in the right place.I could hardly believe the day had finally arrived. All my years of hard work and training were going to be put to the test! Today is the day! I sized up my competition - worthy competitors to say the least. Marginally overweight, but deceptively crafty, I could tell. This would be no small challenge. After presenting my unemployment letter, I received my name tag declaring me officially unemployed and eligible for the Games.First up: Pin-the-Blame-on-the-Boss. After donning a Wii ski cap, I twirled around twice and, pin in hand, blindly stumbled forward and jabbed wildly at the cardboard display. I already knew I had failed before I looked; the crowd's disappointed reaction told me everything I needed to know. Indeed, I had pinned the blame on the Economy (and interestingly, on the apex of the economy) and not the boss.

Dejected, but not without hope. My trainer and I ambled away from the crowd. No interviews, please. PtTotB was the event I was most likely to medal in, and already my hopes for a record setting 4 medal showing was dashed. To pick up our hopes, Kasim and I went across the street and god bless us! A hookah bar! We sat in the warm sun, ordered up a cantaloupe hookah and some delicious beer. Slowly, our spirits were restored and I was ready to claim victory. Apparently we had missed two other events while we were lazing around, but no matter; the 100-meter-dash-to-the-unemployment-office was up and glory would be mine!All the contestants lined up and with the shout of "You're Fired!" 20 or so Olympians sprinted across the court. I ran with all my heart and was the clear front runner! However, as I closed in on the Office, an older man overtook me and I could sense others gaining on me from behind. I poured it on for the last 20 meters and nearly destroyed the cardboard unemployment office as it tagged it.2nd place! While not the gold I had hoped for, relief and exhaustion overwhelmed me. The medal ceremony was quite emotional. Imagine my surprise at winning a $50 gift certificate to the Cubbyhole, one of my favorite bars in NYC. After giving several interviews, my trainer and I headed directly over to the bar to celebrate my efforts. Victory never tasted so sweet.

Call me when you have an offer for the Wheaties box

RE 4 + co-op - survival horror + uncomfortable African sterotypes = Resident Evil 5, and I'm ok with that

So I've been spending the past week or so working through Resident Evil 5 with my boy TMac21 and I have to say, I've been enjoying myself tremendously, even if the lucky bastard did call first dibs on Sheva.

The game has been stirring up an enormous amount of controversy over game quality and genre shifts (better than 4? Do we like the hardcore action?), accusations of racism, and downloadable content. Well, my gentle snowflakes, I have some thoughts on all of these topic so light up a fat one and lets get down to it.

Ok, so is Resident Evil 5 good? Plain and simple, yes, it's the shit. You can get a basic idea of what the game is like by reviewing my highly scientific formula above. Is it better than Resident Evil 4? No, but not many games could be. RE 5 bears of the heavy burden of coming on the heels of one of the most well received, exhilarating, shit-you-pants video games ever made. Given that it's also the latest in one of the most beloved series of all time and you can see it's got some pretty big boots to fill. Still, RE 5 really only fills these boots up about half way. To me, this game feels more like RE 4.5. Beyond co-op, there are no significant changes to the way is played. The story here feels the weakest by far, but at least you've got your shotgun and lots of African zombies to blow away.

Which brings us to the racism claims. Earl Ofari Hutchinson wrote that "the racist game reinforces the worst of the worst ancient stereotypes against and about Africans" on the Huffington Post while Seth Schiesel of the New York Times began his review by simply stating that RE 5 "is not a racist game." While I will definitively go on the record to say that Resident Evil is not racist, there are still alot of very uncomfortable racial and cultural aspects to this game. Basically every locale you go to is a shithole. You start off in a shanty town and as you wander in you pass many residents who are mostly lazing about, or standing around beating a some kind of slack. No one is really doing any work or being productive. Then there is a fact that you are a white, American man violently slaughtering African villagers. However, Schiesel makes the point that

'When you are in control of the action the racial or ethnic appearance of your enemies simply stops mattering. The basic mechanics of moving, shooting, using cover, solving puzzles, employing weapons properly and understanding the overall environment are universal, no matter whether the enemies are aliens or Nazis or zombies or gangsters or any of the other categories we use to denote “acceptable to kill."'

True dat. Still, that rationale doesn't make me feel better about breaking open villagers clay housewares, literally pillaging their jewels and valuables, and then turning around and selling these items to upgrade and rearm myself so I can kill even more natives. That's pretty messed up. Also unsettling are the more primitive zombie villagers wielding spears, tribal masks, and enormous tiki style shields. Again, probably not racist, but certainly unsettling.

And not terrifying, either. One of my biggest gripes with RE 5 is that it isn't scary at all. Not even a little bit. I've seen episosdes of America's Next Top Model that chill me more than this game. And that's sad for me. I vividly remember being enthralled and scared shitless wandering around the mansion in the original Resident Evil. My stomach was always twisted into a contorted knot dealing with zombie dogs crashing through windows, the ominous squish-squish noise coming from around the corner, and trying to ration those ink ribbons! God those ink ribbons! Now, playing Resident Evil 5, it's exciting, even thrilling, when you and your partner are surrounded by monsters, but that sense of dread is just not there. Also always having someone that's got your back (and chattering away in your ear if playing online) really takes away the fear that the feeling of isolation lent to the previous games. For me this is RE 5's biggest con. Hopefully 6 will go back to it's roots with some bad ass survival horror.

All this doesn't change the fact that it's still extremely fun to explode zombie heads from well place rifle shots. And by this I mean the play mechanics are exactly the same as every other RE game. Many people complain about the fact you cannot move and shoot at the same time, but I for one love this quirk of the RE series. It adds tension and excitement to the game, and is something of a RE calling card. One I hope the team keeps forever. As I said, RE 5 is still a great game and the co-op mode, while taking the series in an entirely different direction is a blast. I've been playing online co-op with my buddy Tommy and it's just plain fun. The camaraderie, sharing ammo, watching each other's backs, and even nailing your partner with a well deserved stun rod hit can't be beat. Still, Capcom could've done so much more with the two player mechanic. I LOVED the chapter where one character had to defenselessly hold a lantern while the other protected him or her to get through an pitch black cave. A lot of the two player specific stuff takes on the "ok, let's pull both these levers at the same time and see what happens" variety, and it's nothing special.

Finally, there has been more controversy over Capcom charging $4.99 for downloadable content that will allow for several additional multiplayer modes. My take? It's capitalism. Which can shit on you sometimes. And this time, it's shitty. Even worse, Christian Svensson, vice president of Strategic Planning & Business Development for Capcom called gamers for being whiny bitches (which they can be).

"This is the part where I get to say "BS"," he wrote on the Capcom forums. "RE5 is well worth every penny of $60. A huge game, with tons of replay value, loads of unlockables, new weapons, co-op, mercenaries mode, etc. If any game warrants its price point, it's RE5. Prior to the announcement of the Versus mode, no one complained they weren't getting their money's worth with the initial release because it packs TONS of value because it is an amazing game. So if people were already satisfied with what the package had, when we offer MORE, why is it people feel they've been somehow cheated? If you don't find value in our secondary offerings, the choice is simple, don't purchase it. If you do find it valueable (and we hope you do) please do buy it and enjoy it." Whatever. I probably will, but you're a dirty dildo.

Overall, I give Resident Evil 5 a

Bioshock 2 announced; my excitement is negligible

Game Informer's latest cover story broke news of the sequel to one of this generation's most beloved IPs, Bioshock. Now, it seems most people out there had a lot more love for the underwater distopian shoot-em-up than I did, but even so, it seems some folks are concerned as to the direction the new title will be taking. Tracy John, an intern at MTV.com posted an interesting article on his reaction to the cover story here, and I have some thoughts of my own.

The biggest reveal of the GI cover story was that this go around, you'll be playing as a Big Daddy, Rapute's hulking deep sea divers on steroids peacekeepers. These are the alpha dogs of the Bioshock universe and one of John's qualms was it wouldn't be exciting if you felt like Superman. Indeed, Game Informer reports that "average splicers only pose a threat to you in large numbers; alone, they barely even rate a glance." Ho hum, sounds boring to me. Actually, sounds plodding, since it's clear developer 2K Marin will want to keep you busy, probably by constantly throwing room after room of splicer groups at you. I also agree with John that trying to make the player feel like a Big Daddy is problematic. They are lumbering beasts, and although they could be surprisingly past in BS 1, they are still bulky and ungraceful. Personally, it doesn't appeal to me to play as some 400 pound behemoth whose walk shakes the ground they walk upon. However, I can imagine I'm in the minority on this.

this time, you'll be on the other side of that diving helmet

My biggest problem with BS 2 is that it just seems like too much of the same, and rather stressful. You mind as well call it Bioshock 1.1 since you ended BS 1 doning a Big Daddy suit and protecting Little Sisters, just like what seems to be the case in the sequel. I found it extremely stressful to protecting the Little Sisters from savage mutants as she extracted Adam from corpses. Perhaps this is what 2K intended, but it was an unenjoyable feeling of stress.

Also to file under the heading of Been There Done That is setting. First, we're back in Rapture, the failed dystopian underwater city. It's ten years later, but it doesn't really look like much has changed. The dark, dingy, depressing environs of Rapture really weighed on me by the end of the first game and honestly I don't feel like spending another 20 hours in the exact same gloomy environment. While 2K Marin promises new areas to explore, they also stress that "there are certainly going to be elements of Rapture that you'll see and recognize, if not fully intact locations." Wow. Double yawn. I became bored quickly of all the similar locations in the first Bioshock and I can't say I'm stoked to be revisiting the same drab locales. John at MTV.com suggested a flashback level that showcases Rapture before all the wheels came off and I think this is fantastic idea. Rapture is such a richly imagined place and it's a shame you never get to see it in it's former glory. Please 2K, give us some variety - there is only so much leaky metal I can take.

Still another idea that feels tired that will seem to make a reappearance in the BS 2 is the "moral decision" concerning the Little Sisters. Basically when you kill a Big Daddy that is protecting a Little Sister in the first game, you could choose to either "harvest" (extract some kind of slug from the Sister thereby killing her and making you more powerful - yeah I never quite understood what was going on there) or "save" her. The main problem for me with this mechanic is that quite soon into the game I realized it didn't make a fuck's worth of difference which option I chose. If I chose "save" every time, Tenenbaum, the adoptive mother of the Sisters would send you a "present" basically filled with the same goodies you would get by harvesting the Sisters. Maybe the standard mode I played on was too easy, but I also never felt underpowered and therefore never was really hungering for more Adam; it felt more like a bonus than a necessity.

One thing I DO love about BS 2 is the Big Sister. Apparently she's one of the original Little Sisters who comes back to Rapture with a bad attitude and a giant fucking needle attached to her arm. She also wears a cage that the Little Sisters ride around in and have attached pink ribbons too. Adorable. While the idea of her being this all-powerful, unkillable huntress constantly tracking your ass down also seems like it might be unenjoyably stressful, overall she strikes me as one badass addition to the Bioshock universe.

Maybe I'm being unnecessarily harsh on Bioshock too. I guess it's just that I thought that the original game was a overrated and the sequal seems like too much more of the same. Still, the game is many months away and 2K may have a bunch more tricks up its sleeve. Here's hoping.