Say hello to your newest Olympian

Nastia Liukin? Amateur. Micheal Phelps? Second rate pothead (not that that's a bad thing). Shawn Johnson? Dance out of the way, girl, and make room for a true champion: me. While I may not have gone home with a medal yesterday, I can proudly say I am one of the original Olympians at the first Unemployment Olympics.It's the stuff of legend: Strolling through the East Village with my trainer Kasim, we came upon a large group of people congregating in the basketball courts at Tompkins Square Park. A beautiful hand made sign told me we were in the right place.I could hardly believe the day had finally arrived. All my years of hard work and training were going to be put to the test! Today is the day! I sized up my competition - worthy competitors to say the least. Marginally overweight, but deceptively crafty, I could tell. This would be no small challenge. After presenting my unemployment letter, I received my name tag declaring me officially unemployed and eligible for the Games.First up: Pin-the-Blame-on-the-Boss. After donning a Wii ski cap, I twirled around twice and, pin in hand, blindly stumbled forward and jabbed wildly at the cardboard display. I already knew I had failed before I looked; the crowd's disappointed reaction told me everything I needed to know. Indeed, I had pinned the blame on the Economy (and interestingly, on the apex of the economy) and not the boss.

Dejected, but not without hope. My trainer and I ambled away from the crowd. No interviews, please. PtTotB was the event I was most likely to medal in, and already my hopes for a record setting 4 medal showing was dashed. To pick up our hopes, Kasim and I went across the street and god bless us! A hookah bar! We sat in the warm sun, ordered up a cantaloupe hookah and some delicious beer. Slowly, our spirits were restored and I was ready to claim victory. Apparently we had missed two other events while we were lazing around, but no matter; the 100-meter-dash-to-the-unemployment-office was up and glory would be mine!All the contestants lined up and with the shout of "You're Fired!" 20 or so Olympians sprinted across the court. I ran with all my heart and was the clear front runner! However, as I closed in on the Office, an older man overtook me and I could sense others gaining on me from behind. I poured it on for the last 20 meters and nearly destroyed the cardboard unemployment office as it tagged it.2nd place! While not the gold I had hoped for, relief and exhaustion overwhelmed me. The medal ceremony was quite emotional. Imagine my surprise at winning a $50 gift certificate to the Cubbyhole, one of my favorite bars in NYC. After giving several interviews, my trainer and I headed directly over to the bar to celebrate my efforts. Victory never tasted so sweet.

Call me when you have an offer for the Wheaties box