The Jon Ross Spot

Avatar - why I feel robbed

2010-01-12T13:09:00.002-05:00

So it's been a while, but I feel some intense pop-culture mojo bubbling under, and I thought the best way to channel that would be by mainlining it straight into The Jon Ross Spot.

So I saw Avatar. Who hasn't? As usual, I didn't like nearly as much as everyone else seems to. I thought Sam Worthington was a total bore and I don't understand how or why he's been cast in all these huge triple-AAA tentpole movies (Terminator, Avatar, Clash of the Titans). He's basically just a snooze for me. First of all, if you're paraplegic, yet you're a marine, wouldn't you, you know, work on buffing up your torso at least? Worthington looked scrawny, was basically a douchebag, and most importantly, I never rooted for him or ever felt connected to what he was doing.

I have a lot more criticisms of the movie (how could the Na'vi give a shit about Sigourney Weaver's character when their ancestral home was just destroyed), but I wanted to talk about my chief concern, which was that there was no hot tail-worm on tail-worm Na'vi sex. I feel robbed.

Was it just me, or was I the only one getting heated while keeping a very close watch on Worthington's tail to see exactly where it was probing around. Was I the only one thinking of those tail worms flaying around and teasing each other - Jake trying to sych up with Netiryi and her playfully pulling away? Then a sort of pulsing-thrusting action going on once they did synch up? Don't tell me it was just me.

Think how intense that would be if you could directly connect into the consciousness of your lover! Apparently there was an sex scene filmed for Avatar but it was because they wanted to aim the film more towards families. However, Cameron says that the sex scene will be included in DVD release. I'm expecting some really hot, graphic stuff James. Don't disappoint me again!

Three weeks into grad school. . .

2009-09-10T19:00:00.005-04:00

. . .and I'm still alive. Exhausted, but still kickin'.

Week one: The seduction.

I obviously had tons of emotion going on the first week. I couldn't believe how nervous I was! Going back to school brought back all these anxieties about the first day of classes that I hadn't had since getting dropped off at college! Were people going to like me? Would I be dressed the right way? Was I going to make friends? Would I say something stupid? Would everyone be intellectual snobs and think I was beneath them for being into entertainment journalism (like my husband)? All this plus my general dislike of going to events knowing no one made me one big nervous nelly.

Then there was the excitement of just doing something. I've was unemployed for a good eight months, and it was something of a thrill to feel like part of the world again, to be one of the millions treking into the city to do something. And not just something. I was on my way to Times Square to become a writer, a journalist. I had a purpose again, and it felt good.

I went to school and up the elevator. The doors opened, and the whirlwind of the next 16 months of my life began. I met tons of people. They met me. They were nice. I liked them. They liked me. I ate free food. I drank free coffee. I relaxed. I sat through many lectures, some interesting (Dean's welcome) some not (Research services). I broke my laptop. I drank free booze. I spoke Spanish. I went home. I became Facebook friends with about 57 people. That was my first day.

Week Two: The Tease

My first week of classes began. I had that nagging anxiety again, but not as badly. It's the fear of the new. Cliques were forming, friendships were developing, I noticed a budding romance. I feel conflicted about this. Part of me wants to throw myself headlong into meeting people, going out for margaritas and asking people to lunch with me in Bryant Park. But I'm married. I've got my man. I have my dog. I have my friends. These people deserve my time too. But I don't want to distance myself from my new colleagues, or miss out on a new lifelong friendship because I'm so devoted to my home life. I'll figure it out. I'm meeting some cool new people. Classes were. . .classes. The same ole' introductions and class syllabi rigmarole. I am inspired by my teachers. Well, more by their other jobs than their teaching, so far. A lawyer for the New York Times here, a host for NY1 there, a writer for Brian William over to my left, and an NPR lady thrown into the mix. More than anything I wanted to jump in. I wanted to write, to report, to use all this glorious equipment I was being shown. I did my first "reporting," but it was more of a tease, asking softball question to people on the Brooklyn Promenade. Granted this was a self imposed easy assignment I gave myself. I needn't had worried. There were plenty of challenging assignments in my very near future.

Week Three: The Honeymoon's over

After getting into a nice rhythm during my first week of classes, I had a four day weekend. I spent a glorious and drunken weekend up in the Berkshires. By the evening of Labor Day, I was a nervous mess again. I was dreading another brutal current events quiz from my Craft I teacher. I poured over CNN and the New York Times, trying to absorb what humans had been during in the three days I had been unplugged from the world. Of course he gave the quiz. I did marginally better than the previous week. I love that part of my grade for a graduate level course involves knowing who Tila Tequila is (it was a bonus question, but still).

Then the first "brutal" assignment came. I had to ask strangers what they thought about Swine Flu, Obama's Education Speech, or Van Jones, and write a story incorporating quotes into the story. Going up to strangers and asking these questions was akin to slowly driving nails into my eyeballs. Extremely unpleasant. Come to think of it, it's more like approaching some hottie at the bar. You're dying to be received well, have a lively, interesting conversation and, to seal the deal, get those digits. I've always dreaded that. The approach at least. Still, I completed the assignment, and my skin thickened just the tiniest bit in the process. Every day I feel more and more like a journalist.

Now I've received my first real assignment for Broadcast! One and a half minute piece about whatever I want. Think I'm hittin up the Brooklyn Book Fair on Sunday. If you see me out in the field, come over and let me interview you. Fellow Jschoolers, how have your first three weeks been?

New respect for Taylor Swift

2009-08-31T22:26:00.003-04:00

I just caught the Princess of Country on CMA Music Festival, Taylor Swift on ABC, and she seemed to be singing at Madison Square Garden, although it was a bit unclear. I must say, I was quite impressed with her maturity, control, and appearance. Also, she sounded pretty fraking good. I have to admit Swift has annoyed me countless times, but I place blame more on repetative radio stations more than on the artist herself. The New York Times also gave her concert a very favorable review.

Swift's restrained behavior stands in stark contrast to her skanky twin sister of pop-country, Miley Cyrus. While I find the "scandal" over Cyrus' "pole dancing" at the Teen Choice Awards absouloutly ridiculous, the performance was in poor taste for a teen audience. I don't think I have to say that I enjoyed the performance immensely.

Why do I get a feeling that Swift is to Cyrus as Agilera is to Spears? I get the feeling Cyrus is on a fast track to hot-messiness, while Swift will keep her class intact as she grows up. Any thoughts on either of these mavens of teen pop music?

I'm baaaaack

2009-08-17T07:37:00.002-04:00

Dearest Friends, Family, Fans, etc.

As my dear brother pointed out this weekend, I was remiss in informing everyone that I was taking a leave of absence from my blog for the summer while I was traveling.

Sorry. Didn't mean to leave you all hanging like that.

Indeed I was away taking a long awaited honeymoon with my husband in England and Italy, as well as visiting with family both in Massachusetts and Wisconsin. Hopefully I can get to posting about my various activities over the summer soon. In the meantime, you can enjoy some photos of my adventures below.

Enjoy!

-JB

European Honeymoon

Oscar gets interesting

2009-06-24T15:08:00.003-04:00

Variety this morning is reporting that members the Motion Picture Academy, those good people who hand out a little statuette named Oscar, announced that this year there will be TEN nominees for Best Picture. How interesting! Has this come about from flak the Academy received for not nominating fan favorites such as Wall-E and The Dark Knight? Or is it more of a clever ploy to help nominate more mainstream films, thereby generating higher viewer interest and ratings?

I'm guessing it's a combination of the two. Plus it will lead to more stuidos shelling out big bucks for "For your consideration" ads. Which probably helps the academy in some way, I'm just not quite sure how. Variety has got to be loving it though.

Ten movies is a lot! Are there any that have come out so far this year that has caught people's attention as a contender? Can a comedy make its way into a coveted nominee slot? Could Up, Startrek or a documentary make the cut?? Exciting implications abound with this announcement.

9, or make that 5 reasons to get excited for 9

2009-06-11T17:31:00.005-04:00

One of the highlights of seeing Drag Me to Hell, beyond the scene where our heroine knocks over a corpse at a funeral, only to have it land on top of her and vomit onto her face, was the stellar trailer for 9. Ok, it's not the best title in the world. Even "The 9" would have been better. While it is simple and a bit mysterious (especially done up in all that green glowy mist), it can easily lead to conversations such as:

"Dude, I'm so excited to see 9 tonight!"
"Uh, see nine what?"
"No, you know, 9, it's a Tim Burton movie"
"Oh yeah! That dude is messed up. Why is it called 9?"
"I dunno man, it's about 9 living dolls that live in an post apocalyptic world and fight these evil machines"
"Hmm, yeah, sounds messed up. Why didn't they call it The Nine? Has a bit of a catchier ring to it don't you think?"

If you couldn't tell, that was me as Dude 2, losing another friend. But enough about the title. This movie is giving me the shivering-willies in the best way possible. Why several reasons

1. I totally dig post-apocalyptic themed fare, and this one fists the bill. The art direction looks quality, and sets the mood just right.
2. It's about time we had more adult themed animation. I still haven't checked out Waltz With Bashir, but beyond that I can't think of any other recent "mature" animated films. Sorry, but I'm really not into the Pixar films that everyone says is "not just for the kids!" Both Finding Nemo and Wall-E bored me to tears. I'm also interested to see how and to whom they market this film. It could be quite tricky as the animation angle will skew towards younger folks, but many images from just the trailer are damned near terrifying.

3. Who doesn't love evil robots? By the end of this summer audiences may be entering evil-machine fatigue after Terminator 4 and Transformers 2, but hopefully the new IP will renew interest. And just check out these freaky red eyed baddies. Waaaaaay more scary than anything from the latest Terminator.

This last picture of the bipedal AT-ST type robots reminds me of War of the Worlds and The Tripods trilogy by Samuel Youd. Both super creepy.

4. Tim Burton executive produces. The name speaks for itself. Tim Burton isn't afraid to go there and get super weird, freaky and scary. It was very smart to place this property under his control.

5. It's directed by Shane Acker, the original mind behind his award winning short. Check it out below. Anyone else excited for this pic?

All pictures property of Focus Features

Frak me!! 24 might actually be good next season!

2009-06-10T13:51:00.008-04:00

I used to love 24. I hope to again.

Strangely, my mom turned me on to the once sterling series. She was obsessed with the first season, and I would listen to her go on and on about a so called Jack Bauer and what a bad-ass he was and while it sounded mildly interesting, I don't like to get invested in series mid-season. So I filed it away in my head as something to check out down the road.

Then, in preparation for a leisurely summer in Cape Cod with my ex, I purchased the first season on a whim and Oh. My. god. Obsession. The first season TOTALLY blew me away and remains in my mind one of the best seasons of television ever produced. For about two weeks my ex and I would stay up way too late into the night nervously clutching each other as Jack Bauer rode in like a one man army, shooting first and asking questions later. And cutting off thumbs. Everything about it was just amazing. The then-fresh counting clock. The crazy action scenes. The techno-cool CTU. The cliff-hangers (just one more episode. . .?) The torture! The twists and double crosses (remember when Kim's friend's "dad" enters her hospital room and smothers her? Chills!) This woman:
the pre-Obama black presidential candidate, the devastating ending. It was like an emotionally gripping, unrelenting triple A action flick. Yeah, I liked it that much.

I became a rabid fan. I named my cat Chloe. Then, like another stalwart fav of mine I recently commented on (cough, cough, Lost), season by season, 24 slowly and painfully descended into a parody of itself. It all felt recycled, forced and overdone. Jack tortues another terrorist. Ho-hum. His family is in danger? Shocking! A double agent in CTU? Yawn.

But now, I see a light bright new dawn. Two things have me really feeling hopeful. The first: 24 is moving to New York City. I don't know why they didn't do this 7 seasons ago. While LA worked well for the first season, the locations quickly grew stale and the wide distances they theoretically traveled in like 4 minutes broke the realism of the show. Plus, LA is well. . .LA. Do terrorists really care that much about blowing stuff up there? Threatening New York will really bring back the sense of danger and realism that has hurt the show in recent seasons.

Second, and more exciting, is the addition of Katee Sackhoff to the cast. For those who don't know Ms. Sackhoff, she played the intractable Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica. For those of you who haven't seen BSG, well, you should. Michael Ausiello is reporting on ew.com that the BSG alum will play Dana Walsh, "a highly respected and down-to-earth data analyst at the new and improved New York branch of CTU." Sackhoff was far and away my favorite actress from BSG (well, except for Michelle Forbes' hardcore lesbian Admiral Gale), but she did have a lot to work with, seeing that Starbuck was one of the most compelling roles from the show.
It would be a shame if Walsh doesn't get to see some action in the field, as it's always a hoot seeing Sackhoff be a bad mother (shut yo mouth!). That said, if Walsh is written as a more mild mannered role, it will be interesting to see if Katee can stretch her acting legs and break out of her woman-with-a-chip-on-her-shoulder mold. Still, she'll be working with Chloe, and anyone in that role will need serious balls. Finally, while it was certainly a lot of fun watching Starbuck bed every hot boy toy on Galactica, this woman is screaming for a meaty lesbian role. Freddie Prinze. Jr. as her love interest? C'mon guys, you can do better than that. Or can you? I'll be tuning in to see if 24 can resurrect itself next season. Will you?

Drag Me to Hell: a horror lover's thoughts

2009-06-09T11:36:00.009-04:00

So I went to see Drag Me to Hell last week, on the recommendations of many respectable critics. I was mightily entertained and often found myself contracting towards the fetal position, gasping, hands placed over mouth for much of the movie. This behavior was usually followed by hysterical laughter prompted by the ridiculousness of what I had just seen on screen (think old gypsy woman missing her dentures doing what could only be described as aggressively "slimeing" our heroine). To me, this is the cardinal hallmark of a good horror movie. Any material that prompts me to physically react to it has been well executed. Bonus: There was a lot of body fluids being shot around in this movie, usually into other people's open orifices. Loved it. Also, this movie should win awards for best sound effects / sound editing. I challenege anyone to find a film with more effective use of squishing noises.

However, a horror movie cannot rest on quality gross out scenes alone. It's unfortunate that the scenes of grotesquely indulgent fun were bookended by cheesy, mood breaking, treacly encounters, usually involving the unappealing Justin Long. He really grosses me out, and any suggestions of a sexual relationship between him and the lead left me feeling queesy. Had Long been replaced by a charming, attractive love interest, the movie could have been risen above the mundane, but just barely.

The writing and logic of the scenes that took place between attacks by the lamia (amazing name for a demon) were dealbreakers. This woman would be losing her shit. She is violently assaulted by an old gypsy woman, told by a seer that a curse is on her, and is then attacked by invisible forces in her kitchen, chased upstairs and flung around her attic by a demon. She would be going bat-shit crazy. Instead, she decides not to relate any of this to her boyfriend, but instead agrees to spend a leisurely evening getting dressed up and meeting his folks. Then the next day she walks into her bosses office, casually chatting with him as if she hadn't projectile nose-hemoraged onto him the previous afternoon. What? No. I don't care if you're making a pulping gross out horror flick, the logic still has to be there.

Certainly any fan of horror flick should check out this movie, just don't expect a grade-A experience throughout the entire movie, as some other critics have suggested. Still, it's a fun ride and probably more entertaining that 90% of the summer schlock available right now.

My grade?

Memorial Day Weekend Marsha Day Madness 2009!

2009-05-29T13:31:00.012-04:00

This past weekend I participated in my 2nd annual Marsha Day tournament sponsored by MTG AKA Metro Tennis Group AKA Gay New York Tennis. Unlike all the other GLTA (Gay & Lesbian Tennis Association - sorry for all the acronyms) tourneys, this one is open to only members of the New York group. Because of that, I find Marsha Day to be a bit more relaxed and easy-going than other tournaments. Most people know each other and have played with each other many times before so it's also a big homo gossip fest and a silly good time. On the other hand, the competition can be fierce as old rivals square off and burried annomosities sometimes rear their ugly head.

I don't get involved in that shit. Due to my living below the poverty level economic status, I hadn't been playing much tennis and wasn't expecting much so I was just hoping for some competetive matches and to be entertained by lots of tennis gays queening out.

As fate would have it, my first match was against my co-founder of The Soceity of Hotness: The Official Balthaser-Hormillosa Fan Club, JP.

It was an early match, at 8am, so I don't blame most of our fans for not showing. You girls need your beauty sleep! I had never beaten JP, but our confrontations have always been competitive, so I knew I was in for a good match. I started out real shaky but then picked up my game, almost bringing the first set to a tie breaker. The second set did go to a tie breaker which I narrowly pulled out. Then we went to a 10 point super tie breaker for the third set and indeed the match. JP seemed to kinda lose it in the super tie breaker - it must have been all the papparazzi and photos distracting him. And I had Rick and Baby Reno there pulling for me. Thanks boys!

I pulled out my first C win 4-6, 7-6, 10-4 (or something like that).

My second match did not go so well. I lost 1-6, 1-6 to David Hart. He's a tricky sly fellow, and I found I really need to work on my drop shots and consistancy if I want to be competitive in C singles.

Meanwhile, Rick was burning through the draw. On the top of his game, he was powering past opponents, leaving them shells of shame. I mean, just look at his focus and determination. That's my man.

Neither of our doubles matches went particularly well - in that we didn't win - Charlie and I put up a mighty fight but I hit too many unforced errors and it was a rather dissappointing loss given that we could have - and should have - won. So after that I was out, but was pleased that I had beaten JP for the first time and won my first C match.

Flash forward to Monday for the Marquee Matchup - Tim Robinson vs. Rick Smetana in the A Final. This was definitely the best match of live tennis I've ever seen. They are good friends, both knew each other's playing style intimately. At first, it looked like Rick was going to roll over Tim. He won the first set 6-2. Then, Tim turned it on and fought to bring to a tiebreaker and win that for the second set. The third set was just amazing. These two had played probably 20 matches combined in the past three days and were playing 110% in the blazing sun. They were exausted but were just slamming the ball back and forth for crazy rallies. Tim dug deep, went ahead early, and Rick could not pull back in front. Tim won 6-4.

Afterwards, they said how they were feeling during the match:

"I almost threw up on the court" - Tim
"I almost cried at one point" - Rick

Now that's some good tennis!

Afterwards we went to Bamboo 52 for some fun times and delicious drinks. Enjoy the pics! Thanks to Odin Medina for some of the pics

The A Finalist and Champion

Goodbye for good

2009-05-14T18:19:00.006-04:00

Dear Lost,

By the time you read this I'll be gone. I know we've had a tumultuous relationship over the years. We've laughed, we've cried, we've dodged polar bears in the jungle. You've excited and scared me more than anyone else since some of my first loves. . .Star Trek TNG, 24. . .but this isn't about them. . .it's about us. And were over. Once and for all. I know I've said that before, only to come running back to you and your Smoke Monster loving arms. But this time I mean it, were through. You'll have to employ one of your oh-so-clever flashbacks to revisit us in happier days.

When I first caught a glimpse of you when we would pass in the hallways, I thought you were a bit shallow. I've been around the block a few times, and I thought I'd seen the likes of you before. The Blue Lagoon, Lord of the Flies, hell, Robinson Crusoe beat you to whole dangerous-tropical-island thing by over three hundred years. Still, I kept hearing gossip about you. How hot you were. That you were smart, deeper than meets the eye, and surprisingly emotional. How much fun you are at a party. Your mysterious, dangerous past. I became intrigued. So, I took a shot in the dark. I said "hey," and you said "hey" right back. After several Wednesday night dates, I was obsessed.

It was love. Time passed as if in a dream. You were full of surprises and intrigue, and I loved all of your zany friends. All those nights taking walks on the beach, making out by the light of the Hatch, well, I'll never forget them. I wish we could go back to that time. I thought you might be "the one," but I admit, I began to get bored and frustrated by you a little bit. Your once titillating secrets were becoming confusing and a source of concern and I started to believe you were just making up stuff to try and and stay interesting, like some epic poseur. Some of your new (and old) friends were really annoying. I mean Niki and Paulo? Really? Where did you drag those winners up? All your little allusions, and clues, and surprises that used to seem so fresh, well, they got stale. And I thought it was just plain weird how there were all those random people who would hang around you and you would never introduce them to me.

I don't want to rehash how we broke up; it was ugly and we both said hurtful things. We both went our separate ways. Then, I found all these videos off you on the web. I was simultaneously disgusted and strangely excited to find out what you had been up to while I was away. You seemed to have gotten some of your shit together, and then flash forward and BAM! you were the talk of the town again! I shouldn't have done it, but I took you back.

The next year was, predictably, up and down. I liked your new friends, the Freighter folks, and you seemed to be opening up some about your mysterious past. Still, whenever you would confide in me one of your secrets, you reveled something else even more deeply buried. You still wouldn't shut up about your annoying friends Jack and Kate, and sometimes you would just babble on and on about your friends whose motivations I never quite understood. Still, I stayed by your side, perhaps bouyed by my memories of the golden years, hoping you'd get back to the way you were back then. Then, this year, it all began to unravel, again. Your stories got more and more preposterous and I just could go it on faith alone. You promised me I'd understand it all eventually, but I ran out of patience. I mean REALLY? Jack went to this father's house and stole his SHOES and put it in Locke's COFFIN? I just couldn't humor you anymore; I was bored again. Plus, American Idol is a better fuck.

Sorry, that was inappropriate. I know what a wreck you are these days, and I'm worried about you. So when you called me drunkely last night and asked to meet me at the diner, I agreed. You spilled your heart to me, but it was like you were a completely different person, like I didn't even know you anymore. I mean yeah, some things are still the same. Jack and Sawyer were still at each other's throats. . .that's just thrilling. But Sun is hanging out with Richard and the Others? And Jack is throwing nuclear bombs down big holes? And Juliet falls down said hole and survives? And then detonates said nuclear bomb with a fucking ROCK?! Oh no, Lost, oh no. You've really gone off the deep end. I have to cut off all communication. You need help. You need to go away for a while and work some of your shit out honey. I'm through with you. Goodbye for good.

Oh Jesus, who am I kidding? I will always love you in my own weird way. Call me next year, and maybe, just maybe, we can get together for coffee and talk.

xoxo
JB

I'm gonna be a reporter!

2009-05-05T08:15:00.007-04:00

No, seriously, I am. Just hold tight. I realized I never updated all my adoring fans with news of my graduate school hunt. Well, the long wait is over. I will be staying in New York City, attending the CUNY Graduate School of Journalism. This development is good for three main reasons:

1. I get to stay in the city that never sleeps (and where my husband has a job)

Yes, my feelings about New York over the years have fluctuated like the 2009 DJIA, but overall, I really do love this city. And what better place is there to learn to be a journalist? None, that's where. Another bonus is that we don't have to pack up and haul ass across the country because then Rick would have to find another job and Kippy would probably vomit in the car.

2. CUNY is astonishingly cheap, and I got a scholarship!

Tuition per semester for New York State residents is $3,765. Yes, you read that right, that's not per class, or per credit, but per semester. And that cost even includes all those bullshit extra charges schools like to throw at you like "student activity fee" and "Consolidated Fee." Please, tell me, what the fuck is a consolidated fee? Even better, I received a scholarship that will basically pay for the entire first semester. I can't think of a better situation than getting out of grad school (basically) debt free.

3. The CUNYGSJ is actually a great school and will prepare me well to be a top notch journalist.

Yes, I said actually. That's becuase the perception of CUNY is something of, well, a sub-par school. That's been my perception as well. Because let's face it, it ain't NYU or Columbia. This is a public school, and that's just fine with me. However, it's quite a about face from the wealthy, white kid world of Skidmore. I have to over my elitist sensibilites and learn to say CUNY with pride. And the thing is, it's hard to actually know how good the Journalism school is, because it's brand new. The school opened it's doors in 2006 and therefore has to build its reputation. Still, I have spent quite some time at the school and there is an exciting energy that permeates the facility. Their focus on building marketable skills and training students to be become "all-platform journalist" is way ahead of the curve. As reported last month in a New York Times article, the school has done away with track requirements and now students can choose classes to acquire skills that will most benefit them. Like most schools, I will get out of the school what I put into it and that presents me with a healthy challenge, which is good for me. My future awaits. . .

My long lost other brother?

2009-05-01T16:08:00.004-04:00

No less than TWO people today have told me I like like Chris Pine, who plays Kirk in the new Star Trek movie coming out this month. Ok, so one was prompted, but the other person was a beautiful latino guy with sexy arms. What do you think? Separated at birth?

Tribeca Report: The Girlfriend Experience

2009-04-30T10:47:00.002-04:00

I've been volunteering at The Tribeca Film Festival this week and by working connections and some old fashioned luck, I was able to get into The Girlfriend Experience, followed by a Q&A panel with director Steven Soderbergh and its stars, including real life "adult film" star Sasha Grey.

Hookers have feelings too. Yes, we've known that for ages, thanks to movies like Pretty Woman, Nights of Calabria, and even Moulin Rouge!, but rarely do we so such an intimate look into the life of a callgirl. Soderbergh breaks with convention by casting relative unknowns in the staring roles. Christine is portrayed by Sasha Grey, a well known adult film star, and her boyfriend Chris is played by Antonio Sabato Jr. look alike and film newcomer Chris Santos.

The plot follows Christine through her day cinéma vérité-style as she meets with clients, shops for expensive duds, meets with business advisors, and works out. Smart, business minded and confident, Christine seems like she's got it all together. However, when she meets a new writer client who makes a good match according to her personology books, her life gets turned upside down.

Soderbergh seems to be smirking as he toys with the audience in this film. For one, the movie is about a hooker, played by a porn star, yet there is no sex in the movie. For Ms. Grey, who has been filmed doing just about every sexual act one could conceive of and has anal sex "in almost every scene," the shocking thing in The Girlfriend Experience is that the audience barely catches a glimpse of her nude body.

He says the title refers to a type of hooker who provides more than just a quick fuck. Additionally, she provides "the girlfriend experience." That is, she's classy, clean, smart, and charismatic, and gives men a tantalizing taste of what it's like for her to be his girlfriend. In the movie, Christine is being interviewed by a New York Magazine writer who is dying to get inside her head. He wants to know what makes her tick; just like her clients, he's as interested in the girl as he is in getting under her panties. And here, Soderbergh is playing a similar game with his audience: can this porn star actually act? Most people know going into the movie that there is no sex, yet we are still drawn to the novelty of seeing a porn star in a more mainstream movie. We are as interested in her non-sexual skills as we are in her ability to be anally penetrated.

As it turns out, Ms. Grey can in fact act. She brings a cool, confident presence that dances between seductive and bored to almost every scene she's in. Christine comes of as selfish, yet strangely likable; when her armour finally cracks we feel protective of her rather than glad she's gotten her comeuppance. Topical and engaging, The Girlfriend Experience is an enjoyable film staring a likeable and intruiging new talent.

My dad grew up here. . .

2009-04-22T14:46:00.002-04:00

A great counter to the Drew Carrey show's "Cleaveland Rocks!"

Yesterday I saw a man angrily banging on a payphone and had the same thought: "who the fuck still uses a pay phone?"

Robot Dinosaurs That Shoot Beams When They Roar

2009-04-19T18:25:00.003-04:00

. . .is definitely the best name for a video game that I've heard in a long time. Um Jammer Lammy comes close but RDTSBWTR is still way better.

Plus it's free, and takes 5 minutes to beat. Plus, best roaring in a videogame to date. So check it out.

ROBOT DINOSAURS THAT SHOOT BEAMS WHEN THEY ROAR

Dreams do come true

2009-04-19T10:58:00.001-04:00

I just received this in my inbox:

Hi, Jonathan Balthaser (jrbspice).

Britney Spears (britneyspears) is now following your updates on Twitter.

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Just need to rope in Lady Gaga, and I can die happy. . .

Say hello to your newest Olympian

2009-04-01T11:37:00.010-04:00

Nastia Liukin? Amateur. Micheal Phelps? Second rate pothead (not that that's a bad thing). Shawn Johnson? Dance out of the way, girl, and make room for a true champion: me. While I may not have gone home with a medal yesterday, I can proudly say I am one of the original Olympians at the first Unemployment Olympics.It's the stuff of legend: Strolling through the East Village with my trainer Kasim, we came upon a large group of people congregating in the basketball courts at Tompkins Square Park. A beautiful hand made sign told me we were in the right place.I could hardly believe the day had finally arrived. All my years of hard work and training were going to be put to the test! Today is the day! I sized up my competition - worthy competitors to say the least. Marginally overweight, but deceptively crafty, I could tell. This would be no small challenge. After presenting my unemployment letter, I received my name tag declaring me officially unemployed and eligible for the Games.First up: Pin-the-Blame-on-the-Boss. After donning a Wii ski cap, I twirled around twice and, pin in hand, blindly stumbled forward and jabbed wildly at the cardboard display. I already knew I had failed before I looked; the crowd's disappointed reaction told me everything I needed to know. Indeed, I had pinned the blame on the Economy (and interestingly, on the apex of the economy) and not the boss.

Dejected, but not without hope. My trainer and I ambled away from the crowd. No interviews, please. PtTotB was the event I was most likely to medal in, and already my hopes for a record setting 4 medal showing was dashed. To pick up our hopes, Kasim and I went across the street and god bless us! A hookah bar! We sat in the warm sun, ordered up a cantaloupe hookah and some delicious beer. Slowly, our spirits were restored and I was ready to claim victory. Apparently we had missed two other events while we were lazing around, but no matter; the 100-meter-dash-to-the-unemployment-office was up and glory would be mine!All the contestants lined up and with the shout of "You're Fired!" 20 or so Olympians sprinted across the court. I ran with all my heart and was the clear front runner! However, as I closed in on the Office, an older man overtook me and I could sense others gaining on me from behind. I poured it on for the last 20 meters and nearly destroyed the cardboard unemployment office as it tagged it.2nd place! While not the gold I had hoped for, relief and exhaustion overwhelmed me. The medal ceremony was quite emotional. Imagine my surprise at winning a $50 gift certificate to the Cubbyhole, one of my favorite bars in NYC. After giving several interviews, my trainer and I headed directly over to the bar to celebrate my efforts. Victory never tasted so sweet.

Call me when you have an offer for the Wheaties box

RE 4 + co-op - survival horror + uncomfortable African sterotypes = Resident Evil 5, and I'm ok with that

2009-03-25T13:13:00.009-04:00

So I've been spending the past week or so working through Resident Evil 5 with my boy TMac21 and I have to say, I've been enjoying myself tremendously, even if the lucky bastard did call first dibs on Sheva.

The game has been stirring up an enormous amount of controversy over game quality and genre shifts (better than 4? Do we like the hardcore action?), accusations of racism, and downloadable content. Well, my gentle snowflakes, I have some thoughts on all of these topic so light up a fat one and lets get down to it.

Ok, so is Resident Evil 5 good? Plain and simple, yes, it's the shit. You can get a basic idea of what the game is like by reviewing my highly scientific formula above. Is it better than Resident Evil 4? No, but not many games could be. RE 5 bears of the heavy burden of coming on the heels of one of the most well received, exhilarating, shit-you-pants video games ever made. Given that it's also the latest in one of the most beloved series of all time and you can see it's got some pretty big boots to fill. Still, RE 5 really only fills these boots up about half way. To me, this game feels more like RE 4.5. Beyond co-op, there are no significant changes to the way is played. The story here feels the weakest by far, but at least you've got your shotgun and lots of African zombies to blow away.

Which brings us to the racism claims. Earl Ofari Hutchinson wrote that "the racist game reinforces the worst of the worst ancient stereotypes against and about Africans" on the Huffington Post while Seth Schiesel of the New York Times began his review by simply stating that RE 5 "is not a racist game." While I will definitively go on the record to say that Resident Evil is not racist, there are still alot of very uncomfortable racial and cultural aspects to this game. Basically every locale you go to is a shithole. You start off in a shanty town and as you wander in you pass many residents who are mostly lazing about, or standing around beating a some kind of slack. No one is really doing any work or being productive. Then there is a fact that you are a white, American man violently slaughtering African villagers. However, Schiesel makes the point that

'When you are in control of the action the racial or ethnic appearance of your enemies simply stops mattering. The basic mechanics of moving, shooting, using cover, solving puzzles, employing weapons properly and understanding the overall environment are universal, no matter whether the enemies are aliens or Nazis or zombies or gangsters or any of the other categories we use to denote “acceptable to kill."'

True dat. Still, that rationale doesn't make me feel better about breaking open villagers clay housewares, literally pillaging their jewels and valuables, and then turning around and selling these items to upgrade and rearm myself so I can kill even more natives. That's pretty messed up. Also unsettling are the more primitive zombie villagers wielding spears, tribal masks, and enormous tiki style shields. Again, probably not racist, but certainly unsettling.

And not terrifying, either. One of my biggest gripes with RE 5 is that it isn't scary at all. Not even a little bit. I've seen episosdes of America's Next Top Model that chill me more than this game. And that's sad for me. I vividly remember being enthralled and scared shitless wandering around the mansion in the original Resident Evil. My stomach was always twisted into a contorted knot dealing with zombie dogs crashing through windows, the ominous squish-squish noise coming from around the corner, and trying to ration those ink ribbons! God those ink ribbons! Now, playing Resident Evil 5, it's exciting, even thrilling, when you and your partner are surrounded by monsters, but that sense of dread is just not there. Also always having someone that's got your back (and chattering away in your ear if playing online) really takes away the fear that the feeling of isolation lent to the previous games. For me this is RE 5's biggest con. Hopefully 6 will go back to it's roots with some bad ass survival horror.

All this doesn't change the fact that it's still extremely fun to explode zombie heads from well place rifle shots. And by this I mean the play mechanics are exactly the same as every other RE game. Many people complain about the fact you cannot move and shoot at the same time, but I for one love this quirk of the RE series. It adds tension and excitement to the game, and is something of a RE calling card. One I hope the team keeps forever. As I said, RE 5 is still a great game and the co-op mode, while taking the series in an entirely different direction is a blast. I've been playing online co-op with my buddy Tommy and it's just plain fun. The camaraderie, sharing ammo, watching each other's backs, and even nailing your partner with a well deserved stun rod hit can't be beat. Still, Capcom could've done so much more with the two player mechanic. I LOVED the chapter where one character had to defenselessly hold a lantern while the other protected him or her to get through an pitch black cave. A lot of the two player specific stuff takes on the "ok, let's pull both these levers at the same time and see what happens" variety, and it's nothing special.

Finally, there has been more controversy over Capcom charging $4.99 for downloadable content that will allow for several additional multiplayer modes. My take? It's capitalism. Which can shit on you sometimes. And this time, it's shitty. Even worse, Christian Svensson, vice president of Strategic Planning & Business Development for Capcom called gamers for being whiny bitches (which they can be).

"This is the part where I get to say "BS"," he wrote on the Capcom forums. "RE5 is well worth every penny of $60. A huge game, with tons of replay value, loads of unlockables, new weapons, co-op, mercenaries mode, etc. If any game warrants its price point, it's RE5. Prior to the announcement of the Versus mode, no one complained they weren't getting their money's worth with the initial release because it packs TONS of value because it is an amazing game. So if people were already satisfied with what the package had, when we offer MORE, why is it people feel they've been somehow cheated? If you don't find value in our secondary offerings, the choice is simple, don't purchase it. If you do find it valueable (and we hope you do) please do buy it and enjoy it." Whatever. I probably will, but you're a dirty dildo.

Overall, I give Resident Evil 5 a

Bioshock 2 announced; my excitement is negligible

2009-03-21T08:42:00.005-04:00

Game Informer's latest cover story broke news of the sequel to one of this generation's most beloved IPs, Bioshock. Now, it seems most people out there had a lot more love for the underwater distopian shoot-em-up than I did, but even so, it seems some folks are concerned as to the direction the new title will be taking. Tracy John, an intern at MTV.com posted an interesting article on his reaction to the cover story here, and I have some thoughts of my own.

The biggest reveal of the GI cover story was that this go around, you'll be playing as a Big Daddy, Rapute's hulking deep sea divers on steroids peacekeepers. These are the alpha dogs of the Bioshock universe and one of John's qualms was it wouldn't be exciting if you felt like Superman. Indeed, Game Informer reports that "average splicers only pose a threat to you in large numbers; alone, they barely even rate a glance." Ho hum, sounds boring to me. Actually, sounds plodding, since it's clear developer 2K Marin will want to keep you busy, probably by constantly throwing room after room of splicer groups at you. I also agree with John that trying to make the player feel like a Big Daddy is problematic. They are lumbering beasts, and although they could be surprisingly past in BS 1, they are still bulky and ungraceful. Personally, it doesn't appeal to me to play as some 400 pound behemoth whose walk shakes the ground they walk upon. However, I can imagine I'm in the minority on this.

this time, you'll be on the other side of that diving helmet

My biggest problem with BS 2 is that it just seems like too much of the same, and rather stressful. You mind as well call it Bioshock 1.1 since you ended BS 1 doning a Big Daddy suit and protecting Little Sisters, just like what seems to be the case in the sequel. I found it extremely stressful to protecting the Little Sisters from savage mutants as she extracted Adam from corpses. Perhaps this is what 2K intended, but it was an unenjoyable feeling of stress.

Also to file under the heading of Been There Done That is setting. First, we're back in Rapture, the failed dystopian underwater city. It's ten years later, but it doesn't really look like much has changed. The dark, dingy, depressing environs of Rapture really weighed on me by the end of the first game and honestly I don't feel like spending another 20 hours in the exact same gloomy environment. While 2K Marin promises new areas to explore, they also stress that "there are certainly going to be elements of Rapture that you'll see and recognize, if not fully intact locations." Wow. Double yawn. I became bored quickly of all the similar locations in the first Bioshock and I can't say I'm stoked to be revisiting the same drab locales. John at MTV.com suggested a flashback level that showcases Rapture before all the wheels came off and I think this is fantastic idea. Rapture is such a richly imagined place and it's a shame you never get to see it in it's former glory. Please 2K, give us some variety - there is only so much leaky metal I can take.

Still another idea that feels tired that will seem to make a reappearance in the BS 2 is the "moral decision" concerning the Little Sisters. Basically when you kill a Big Daddy that is protecting a Little Sister in the first game, you could choose to either "harvest" (extract some kind of slug from the Sister thereby killing her and making you more powerful - yeah I never quite understood what was going on there) or "save" her. The main problem for me with this mechanic is that quite soon into the game I realized it didn't make a fuck's worth of difference which option I chose. If I chose "save" every time, Tenenbaum, the adoptive mother of the Sisters would send you a "present" basically filled with the same goodies you would get by harvesting the Sisters. Maybe the standard mode I played on was too easy, but I also never felt underpowered and therefore never was really hungering for more Adam; it felt more like a bonus than a necessity.

One thing I DO love about BS 2 is the Big Sister. Apparently she's one of the original Little Sisters who comes back to Rapture with a bad attitude and a giant fucking needle attached to her arm. She also wears a cage that the Little Sisters ride around in and have attached pink ribbons too. Adorable. While the idea of her being this all-powerful, unkillable huntress constantly tracking your ass down also seems like it might be unenjoyably stressful, overall she strikes me as one badass addition to the Bioshock universe.

Maybe I'm being unnecessarily harsh on Bioshock too. I guess it's just that I thought that the original game was a overrated and the sequal seems like too much more of the same. Still, the game is many months away and 2K may have a bunch more tricks up its sleeve. Here's hoping.

My new blog

2009-03-19T16:31:00.003-04:00

Hey bloggin buddies! I'm pondering starting up a new blog based on gaming with a major gay twist, and I'm looking for a name. It's going to include the word "gaymer" cause that's just hot. I also am notoriously hard to please when it comes to games so I was considering something like grouchygamer.com or grumpygamer.com. What do you think? Please vote on the side bar! Any other suggestions?? Leave a comment. xo JB

so what about gay and grumpy?

Stuff I dig: Em & Lo

2009-03-19T13:11:00.002-04:00

Em & Lo.com
Em & Lo are two sassy ladies who know a thing or two about sex. They are kind of like your more experienced, sexually empowered, always-fabulous cousin who sort of makes you feel bad about yourself but you don't really mind because she tells you how to give guys an out-of-this-world blowjob. Yeah, that kind of cousin.

Em & Lo dish on all the do's, don'ts and do-it-faster-harder-and-deepers of the dating, marriage and most of all, sex game. Referring to themselves as the "Emily Posts of the modern bedroom," the lovely ladies provide advise on sex, sexual health, pop culture updates, and dozens of other fun features. Oh, and I'm a featured contributor on their popular Wiseguys segment, so you can read about what I think of small penises and valentine's day presents. What could be better than that?

The Case of the Mysterious Magenta Light and Other Tales

2009-03-17T14:46:00.001-04:00

Starring Jonathan Balthaser and Courtney Benson

So my dear friend Courtney, with whom I've had too many misadventures to count, surprised me last week by stopping by Brooklyn on her way back to school in D.C. We had some fun! After a hearty lunch at Yemen Cafe, we took a stroll down the promenade and took some nice pics. Afterwards, crazy old Chipsy just could not help herself from licking the Statue of Liberty.Walking back, we came upon a mysterious magenta light bathing the sidewalk and we couldn't figure out where it was coming from! Neither of us had ever seen anything so. . .peculiar. It wasn't reflecting off anything, yet it didn't seem to be coming directly from anywhere either. Was someone toying with us? The game was afoot! We decided to go about investigating the mystery like proper detectives by tagging and documenting the evidence, as well as writing down clues. Just as I went to tag and photograph the mysterious light, it dissappeared. And so did the sun! Ah ha! Our first, and sadly, as it came to be, only clue.

The elusive and baffling light toyed with us for a good 10 minutes

Undeterred by its dissappearance, I tagged the spot where the light had once been.We waited for the light to reappear and for more clues, but the trail had gone cold. We were perplexed, but it was getting chilly out and we decided it was time to head home.
We headed back to my pad and read through some old notebooks and journals of mine from Madrid and I was crying laughing remembering one particularly wild night in Toledo.

I love hanging out with Chipsy 'cause we can just shoot the shit for hours and be ridiculously silly and gossipy for hours and miles. Also outrageous things eventually happen to us and when they don't, we just make something up. Plus, we have a deep well of memories to draw on and drink deeply from. Ah, refreshing.

It's not all a bed of roses though. . .I still wake up screaming in the middle of the night thinking of that unholy magenta light. . .

Mr. Out of Bounds 2009

2009-03-17T11:34:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday Rick and I attended the fabulous Mr. Out of Bounds contest at Stonewall. The contest was open to any athlete who belonged to a gay New York sports league and it was a "contest" to see who was the gayest? hottest? jock in New York. I couldn't really tell, but it was basically a bunch of hotties strutting around in their undies so I was alright with it. Also, it benefited the wonderful Trevor Project that operates a 24 hour gay suicide prevention hotline, I could feel less guilty about spending money on drinks. MTG's very own Patrick So was a contestant and won some auxiliary prize (I can't remember which one). He got a hug as his trophy!
I had never been to Stonewall and it was really fun! The house was packed and there were lots of cute boys hanging out. Two random people gave me drink tickets and there was just a great mood about the party. I ran into two random people: James Lecene, and actor I "worked with" (no thats not supposed to sound dirty, I sold concessions at a show he was in) in Provincetown several years ago and Arjuna, the ex of a roomate of my ex, Joe. Weird, small world. A bunch of the tennis boys were out to support our boy Patrick, and get toasted.
Afterwards, Sean, Tod, Rick and I went for pizza (which I abstained from, sticking to my fitness diet!)After that we headed over to Duplex for some fabulous local caberet singing. I actually got pretty hammered but it was a super fun and sexy night.

Our ever changing summer plans. . .

2009-03-12T11:20:00.000-04:00

So, our summer plans are in flux. We are in a (hopefully) unique position where both of us will be free during the summer, me with no job, and Rick on vacation. Rick has to teach until the end of June, so our first plan was to head to Provincetown, hopefully get a job or two waitering, cocktail waitering, etc. and living the good life on the gay, gay beach. I had visions of dancing the night away with drag queens, biking shirtless down Commercial St. and checking out all the hotties, taking Kippy for runs on the beach, and just live simply with Rick.

Will we go? Its future is in limbo.

However, Rick was invited to apply to be a mentor for the New York City Teaching Fellows, NYC's crash course for new teachers. It's a sweet gig that pays $50/hour, and Rick knows someone on the selection committee so he has a great shot at making it. At first I was upset that our Ptown plans would be dashed, and I will still be miserable if I have nothing to do all day during July.

HOWEVER, since we will still have the majority of August with nothing to do, we are finally going to take our honeymoon, one year later. So, our plan as of now is a trip to Europe! Our itinerary changes daily, but this is how it's stacking up so far: We have roughly 3 weeks, (NYC still has not published when school will start in the fall, and I'm hoping it's more like 4 weeks) so we are basically planing the first half in cities and the second half in naturey places (read: the beach). So check out the map.

View Larger Map

Were planning on flying to Copenhagen, where we'll send our one year anniversary! From there take the train to Berlin for 3 or 4 days. Then it's off to Praha so Rick can reconnect with his Czech roots where we'll stay with my old friend Saro from highschool. Hopefully we'll meet some nice Bel Ami boys there as well. Next its off to Vienna for some wiener schnitzle and a drink at a fabulous cafe. We'll eventaully bid auf wiedersehen to Austria and boun giorno to Italy when we get to Venice. From there we'll head east, bumming our way down the Croatian coast, hopefully ending up in Split. We'll then cross the Adriatic Sea and make our way to Rome, where we'll fly out of. Sound ambitious? Maybe. But as I said, it's a very preliminary plan, and certainly some things will change.

Do you guys have advice? Suggestions? Places we simply can't miss or an amazing hotel or secret B&B that we'll love? Let me know!!

Elevation

2009-03-04T14:05:00.000-05:00

Fanboy (n) Technocratic zealots; evangelicals of geekery. Characterized by irrational advocacy of a particular OS, console, company, or franchise.

For those of you who are not tuned into the daily video game blogging chatter (i.e. gaming dorks like me), there's been a huge bruhaha over a little PS3 game known as Killzone 2. Killzone has been hyped by Sony as the next must have Halo-killing game and has driven many PS3 fanboys into a crazed, mouth-frothing frenzy. The PS3 is banking big time on Kill Zone 2 to make a huge splash and these high expectations have led to elevated emotions, drama, and some nasty name calling. Unfortunately, what hasn't been elevated at all during this whole situation is the level of discourse. Most of the comments on the professional review pages boil down to hyperbolic rants rather than well thought out arguments. What will it take for the fanboy zelots to become drowned out by more rational minds? Will discussions over videogames ever reach the level of cinema or perhaps even art?

Almost across the board, KZ2 has received glowing reviews. Destructiod called the multiplayer "hectic, tense and full of destruction", while ING wrote that KZ2 is "an outstanding evolution of the franchise, a bullet and adrenaline-fueled rampage against an implacable enemy and a fantastic shooter for the PS3." The graphics were universally praised as arguably the best on any current system. Kotaku.com wrote that "Every scene, every moment of Killzone 2 is teeming with detail and nuance, from the drift of smoke, to discarded shells, to the flecks of concrete that pop off when you shoot a wall."

As one after another stellar review was filed, PS3 owners mouths began salivating and their chests puffed up at the thought of having another game to pla. . .er, be proud of after Little Big Planet. Then the unthinkable happened. Several website posted good reviews rather than great reviews and oh my, many PS3 owners did not like that one bit. Totalvideogames.com game KZ2 an 8/10, which sent many a fanboy into a manical rage. Some of the comments regarding the PS3 review:

Look at this! What have i see?! yeah.. a S.HIT sexbot fan make a review of a PS3 game... Stupid as.shole
learn how to review a game and maybe wouldnt be a microsh*ting fagtart
what is that smell of Bill gates semen? Oh Chris leyton farted. (Chris Leyton was the reviewer)
the reviewer obviously loves to buttfuck his 360 to death

Regardless of the fact that I don't quite see how referring to an Xbox as a sexbot could be construded as a criticism (a sexbot sounds awesome if you ask me), these comments make me sick (regardless again of the blatent homophobia). It's amazing to me the ire living in all of these fanboys. The most hilarious part is all these comments were posted before the game even came out. Alot of these commentors acted as if the review was a personal attack on their honor rather than the opinon of one games journalist. See that word? Opinon. That's all reviews are. But these fanboys are too immature to understand that and somehow feel compelled to spill their hate and zealotry all over the internet.

So will gaming discourse ever be elevated above the level of fanboy rants? Well there are glimmers of hope out there. Edge magazine seems has a shockingly mature reader base and although they gave KZ 2 a mediocre 7/10, the reader comments, while impassioned, have stayed relatively civil and well thought out. Hopefully more publications can strive for this more mature reader base to help improve the quality of discussions in the gaming community as I feel there is a market for this. I'm not saying were ready for The Paris Review for videogames, but a boy can dream. Because I really can't deal with many more fanboys. Unless they have sexbots.

weekend adventures. . .

2009-02-26T16:12:00.001-05:00

It's been a while kids! Since I know most of you do a lot of vewy difficult reading in your jobs/schooling, I thought I'd give you all a pictorial account of my past several weekends. Minimal reading. Booyah!

I forgot to mention that we painted our "bedroom" the other weekend. Green . Don't hate on it cause you're jealous bitches. This was great for several reasons. We used up like 4 mostly empty paint cans (somehow light green + dark green + ORANGE + white = light green) which we were able to throw out, AND spruced up a horribly bleak wall in our "bedroom." I keep saying "bedroom" because for those of you that have been to our apartment, you know our "bedroom" is a gigantic room that takes up 2/3rd of the apartment. The third reason painting was great is because I got to practice my broken-down babydoll pose that I'm going to use to OWN America's Next Top Model next seasons. Watch out trannys!break it down baby!

That's hot. President's Day Weekend was cold. But fun! We headed up to Tunxis for some good times with Ma & Pa Balthaser, who had just gotten back from their trip to South Africa. On Saturday, we went on a really fun hike in Beckett, MA, but to this old abandoned quarry. They still had all kinds of ancient equipment like this old school truck.

You had to climb up this steep slope that one can usually use steps to ascend, but with all the snow, we had to use this big cable and sturdy tress to help us to the top. Kippy loved it and scampered up and down the hill several times.If you are going to be in the Becket area, it's definitely worth checking out: http://www.becketlandtrust.org/

Overall it was a great hike and afterwards Rick and I hauled our ass of to Lee for some hot outlet shopping. Rick made out like a bandit as always, and I tried shirts that didn't fit and felt like a gawky freak. I didn't get a single thing and actually got into a bit of a funk about my whole clothes situation. But then I realized I was being ridiculous.

This past weekend was Museum Weekend Weeeee! Rick had the week off and after sitting around the apartment for most of the week, I demanded we go do something so we went to the Met! Neither of us had ever been. To make things a bit more interesting rather than just going to "appreciate art" we each wrote down twenty objects to ID in the paintings, sculptures, etc., put them in a hat and split them. Objects included "10 hot men," a full moon, a mullet, a rabbit, a prositute, an erection, a decapitated head, and people having sex. So we had a good time cruising around the halls and finding all our objects (well, we never found an erection or mullet).

The next day I met Devon and Dan at PS 1, another cherry popping experience. PS 1 is a contemporary art museum administered by MOMA housed in an old schoolhouse in Queens. The experience was really cool, but unfortunately I only took two photos. These are of a pool that you can look down into and go "into". It looks like there is water on both sides, but its actually a glass divider and they spray water over the surface of it. Its pretty trippy and fucking cool. There are better pictures here: http://ps1.org/exhibitions/view/207/

There was tons of other interesting and downright hilarious exhibits there, but I won't bore you with descbribing them - you should just go! Its a bit out of the way but perfect for a date or a weekend day out with your beloved. . .or just by yourself. Take some hallucinogens for extra fun! -JB

Dedicated to my vanity

2009-02-19T14:02:00.001-05:00

Back in December I took some pics with my friend Sara, who did our wedding photography. This picture doesn't actually make me look that hot, but its very interesting; I think Sara called it a "concept art shot" or something like that. I like how peaceful I look. That's all. Enjoy.

I'm Chun Li bitches!

2009-02-13T00:04:00.000-05:00

Room For Cream Review

2009-02-12T15:39:00.000-05:00

I wrote an theater review for GO! Magazine that just came out. Check it out below!

Theater Review: Room For Cream

A new lesbian soap opera at La Mama Theater

by Jonathan Balthaser

February 5, 2009

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How do you take your coffee? Black and strong? Or light and sweet? No matter your preference, you’re bound to enjoy Room For Cream, the delightfully perky lesbian soap opera playing at La MaMa through Feb 8. Performed in an unconventional 11-episode arc, Room For Cream serves up a fresh pot of piping hot lesbian drama each night.

Set in the mythical town of Sappho, Massachusetts, the serial performances are mounted through 11 different episodes that follow the madcap lives of a cast of zany lesbians, transfolk and even a dude or two. The series has all the twists and turns one should expect from a first-rate pulpy soap opera combined with the over-the-top sapphic drama of The L Word. Secret identities, bake sales, scorned lovers, knitting circles, prison trysts and even a murder all rear their ugly heads and keep these ladies on their toes. The action is centered around the coffee shop Room for Cream, where the kooky cast of characters gather to plot, flirt, work, socialize, perform and love. Free of the heady, melancholy themes that characterize much of lesbian entertainment, Room For Cream’s tongue-in-cheek send-up of lesbian culture isn’t afraid to laugh at itself and have a good time.

Although the show got off to a bit of a clunky start, it soon began to bloom and grow, gaining fluidity and purpose until the rollicking conclusion. Staged in-the-round, audience members sit at the outer tables of the coffee shop and really become engaged in the action. We feel like we are part of this community, and in a sense we are; the theatre was packed mostly with women and queer folks.

Driven by a zippy script, the wonderful ensemble cast does an excellent job of bringing eccentric characters to life. Standouts include Becca Blackwell as studly butch heartbreaker Dire Owens and Jess Barbagallo as Bailey Donovan, a baby dyke runaway and counter girl at the coffee shop. Also, look for special guest queer art personalities including K8 Hardy and Dynasty Handbag, as well as legendary thespian Wallace Shawn, to add some extra intrigue.

Room for Cream is a deliciously indulgent, estrogen-fuelled romp, and one that should not be missed. Belly laughs can be hard to come by these days, but Room for Cream pours ‘em on.

Season One is being remounted after its fantastic success last year, through Feb 8. Stay tuned for Season Two, beginning Feb 28.

Stuff I dig: Fringe

2009-02-11T08:37:00.001-05:00

So I'm totally into this show Fringe. Have any of you seen it? It's on Fox and it's pretty much like the X-Files meets, well, the X-Files, except I find Fringe to be a bit more lighthearted in general. The show centers on FBI agent Olivia Dunham, jokester sidekick Peter Bishop (Josha Jackson) and his crazy, mysterious and adorable mad scientist father, Walter Bishop, who all work together to solve bizzare murders and mysteries. Some talking points on why I hope Fringe makes it to the Mainstream and keeps on plugging.

I totally love star Anna Torv's unconventional looks and brio
Torv plays Olivia Dunham, the a hardscrabble FBI agent and emotional center to the show. She's no bullshit and constantly loves to defy her asshole boss, but at the same time she's vulnerable and always looks like she's so worried about everything that she going to throw. I think she was perfectly cast in the role - she looks smart, and is really a knockout, but her looks take time to grow on you. Maybe its just that I think she looks like my friend Jacquie, and I like to pretend she's an FBI agent. So basically, rock solid, seductive lead to anchor the series.

Eh? What do you think? Separated at birth?

The show is set in Boston, from whence I hail. Plus that lettering rocks.
I'm loving all the Boston shots, visits to Harvard, and warehouse raids in Alston. However, they go all over the place - Chicago, New York, Germany so far, and to tell you where they are they put this awesome lettering stating the location positioned in the shot (rather than just clear subtitles). For example, they might show an establishing shot of the entrance to a Manhattan skyscraper and have the lettering run above the awning of the building. It looks like the lettering in that terrible Volkswagon "I think we were just in a car commercial" ad, but it't not annoying in the most unholy way like that commercial.

J.J. Abrams is producing, which can only mean good things.
J.J Abrams is king of the geeks these days, having written or produced such fine work as Alias, Lost, Cloverfield, and the forthcoming Star Trek movie. Oh yeah, and Felicity, although we'll pretend we didn't know that. I dig most of what this guy has done, and he loves deep, mysterious mythology, which were certainly getting with Fringe.

There's at least one major gross out/disfiguration per episode. At least.
I'll admit I've only seen two full episodes to date, but I always seem to tune in when something gross is happening. Like a pilot spasming and shooting bodily fluids from his face, or a guy found with his brains and face melted, or another guy whose oricfices all spontaneously close on his face, suffocating him. Pretty much there's usually something henious happening to somebody's face and I enjoy that.

The show alternates between mythology building serial episodes and one-off freak of the week type shows like the X-Files did.
A winning formula. It allows the writers to have fun with action sci-fi nuttiness, and also craft a deep connect the dots mystery.

The humor in the series is spot on.
Much of the levity comes from the kindly old crazy scientest who is also Josha Jackson's father. He's totally adorable and also invaluable to the team. What other characters have conversations like this:

"Two thoughts come to mind. This condition might have been caused by a mutation changing these lipids to recognize and seal any and all orifices. Did they check the anus and penis?"

"Can we get the answer to that while I'm not in the room? What was the other thought?

"Sorry?"

"You said two thoughts came to mind."

"Oh yes. Ther other was. . .coffee cake. Tiny pebbles of cinnamon sugar. . ."

I love random non-sequitur humor like this. Dr. Bishop is also leading a cow around his lab for much of the episode, and we never really know why. By the way, the Dr. comes back to coffee cake several times in the episode and I got a good chuckle with every delicious mention.

Oh yeah, and you can watch every episode on Fox.com or Hulu.com.
Sweet. For those of us who can't afford DVR. Like me

So check out the show, and let me know what you think of it if you watch it.

Wild Weekend Wisitors

2009-02-03T00:18:00.000-05:00

. . .As they might say in Wien.

Last weekend was pretty coo-coo krazy with all kinds of people and animals coming at me from every direction and I was running around the entire time seeing great friends and watching really stellar entertainment. It was beyond.

Rick's crazy friend Sara called us to remind us that yes, she was coming that day (I had no idea, apparently she had told Rick before) and oh yeah, she's coming with her dog and cat, as she's moving cross country from Colorado to Maine for a month before she ships out to Iraq or Kuwait to do work there. I told you she was crazy. So he got here in the evening, cat in hand, who basically spent the whole time avoiding the craziness that was Kipper and her dog Pam going at each other. Here's a pic in one of their cuter moments:Here's another in the midst of one of their wild dust-ups:

Pam has two different color eyes and the pink nose of a cute little lab rat, and is one of the most aggresive lickers I've ever encountered. I mean you'd be watching tv and BAM! out of nowhere she's be all up in your face planting big wet licks on you. Kippy and Pam had a TOTAL blast just roughousing with each other for hours and I'm glad they both got the exercise and fun out of it but it became annoying as they would get excited and yelp and bark and go crazy on the bed. Whatever it was good times and I always love being around animals. We spontaneously switched our bedroom around, and while the change is refreshing, the slant of the floor is now way more pronounced and it looks like we live in some kind of kooky funhouse because nothing is level. Sara drove us to Ikea to purchase a particle board nightstand that we discovered we needed and then I went to see the Westler. Amazing movie! More on that later with an Oscar's post.

Blogger Buddies Reunited
Then it was time to visit my bestest Mainer friends, Matt and Mara! Yay! M+M are pretty much the coolest married couple ever and they are both hiliarious and luckily Matt is Mark's bro so I get to see them from time to time. Mara's also my bestest blogging buddy and really inspired me to get this blog started so I can say I owe it all to her. You can read about her trials and tribulations here. Mara is about 3 months pregnant and her baby is due on my (and her!) birthday - so I'm doubly excited about it! And damn! Woman is showing! I met up with them and a bunch of their college friends at Company Car in the E Vil for cheap drinks and good laughs -
check out Mara's Adventures in Maine to see what she was taking a picture of! Enjoy the pics below.
Check out the baby bump below! Mara was making "21" for July 21st, the due date and both of our birthdays. I was trying to do the same thing but instead it looks like I'm in a gay gang

World of Goo - Comment and review

2009-01-29T18:34:00.000-05:00

So I was putting it off for a while, but, bored with my current selection of games, I decided to download World of Goo for my Wii, an indie game produced by 2D Boy. I had read an enthusiastic review of it a while ago and researched it a bit more from there and it seemed like most people were of the opinion this game simply rocks. I concur.

I feel like if Dr. Suess were to make a video game, it would turn out something like World of Goo. A mix of Lemmings and build-a-house-of-cards, World of Goo has you using adorable goo balls to help them help you bridge a gap, traverse a spikey cavern, orbit a planet, destroy a huge robot head, and accomplish dozens of other amazing feats of glory. There are several different types of goo balls, but mainly you'll be working with basic, common goo ball that stick to each other. Now, I'm not a huge puzzle fan, and for a game in this genre to hook me, it's gotta deliver a little bit of action and strategy along with the puzzles. This ones got both. Anchored by a rock solid physics system, these cutie-pie rolly-pollys will test your logical thinking and your reflexes and even offer up some nice explosions along the way.

There are several things I just loved about WoG. First, the balance, length and price is outstanding. It's about $15 on WiiWare - can't beat that. It took me about one week to beat at the bare bones level playing about 3 hours a day, and I find for this type of game, it turned out to be the perfect length, and if I want more, I can go back and master every level, and work toward building the biggest tower in the meta-game at the end. I think what happens alot in the gaming world is that designers make games too long, and I for one get really bored and end up shelving or just neglecting the game before I finish. I think I get bored because they designers run out of fresh ideas and resort to rehashing the same thing again and again until tedium sets in. I like Goo's paradigm: Low price, short game, fantastic content, done. It leaves me wanting more and eager for the sequal. Finally, the balance, or difficulty was just right. I rarely beat a level on the first try, but always, as I watched my darling goo balls tumble into the abyss, or burn to a crisp, I knew what I would do different next time and usually it worked. The best levels had me shifting my tactics every time until finally I figured out what I needed to to. Point being: no cheap shots. The was one level I had to do about 15 times to get the timing just right for, but in all fairness I probably could have beaten it quicker had I thought through my strategy a bit more.

While solid play mechanics make this game a joy to play, the atmosphere is what really makes Goo shine. From the whimsical graphics, to the hilarious Signpainter tutorial/instructions to the exciting and chilling music, WoG really does feel like a conhesive world, with charm to spare. I tried to introduce it to my husband, and while he was into it for a while, he quickly requested we go back to Smash Bros. or Mario Kart, deeming WoG too "plodding." Still, I maintain anyone can play this game as well. There is one button. Really. World of Goo is a concise, brilliant game, with surprises at every new level. Definately worth a easy $15 you'd spend on a hooker anyway. What? Nothing, Mother.

Last week I had an 8-hour meth fuelled sex marathon involving slings and organic dildos

2009-01-27T16:51:00.000-05:00

Just kidding. I did watch the inauguration though. And it was wonderful. My friend Natalie host a lil' Obama day party at her pad in the West Village for all of us students, out-of-workers, and peeps who could sneak out of work. I mean really, how many people were working from noon to one that day? Nat had a nice bagel spread, Obama hats, pencils, and signs (you can't tell in the pic, but I'm rocking a Big O hat there). It was mostly Nat's friends from grad school who I don't know at all, but Devon was there and so we hung out for a bit until the proceedings began.

The entire time I was incredibly nervous that Obama was going to be assassinated and don't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing. Even with all the crazy security they kept saying was in place, I was thinking of all the nuts Patriot Games and 24 type spy movies where assassins bring in wooden gun n' shit. I just kept thinking about all of America watching our greatest hope get his brains blown out in front of the world in hi-def and how devastating it would be for everyone. Truly horrifying. Anyway, that didn't happen thanks be to jebus.

One of the most amazing unsung heros of the day was Aretha Franklin's hat.
That thing is frackin amazing. Not much more to say about that, but I urge you to just take a few moments to consider that amazingness of this hat.

The oath gaffe by Roberts was unfortunate, but I don't understand the vitriol toward him. There have been comments such as "you ruined what would've been a stupendous moment in history." Huh? Who cares? It is something of a shame that the oath was garbled, but it really takes nothing away from Barack's historic day. Roberts was nervous, who wouldn't have been?

Everyone in the room sat in rapt attention as Obama gave his speeck. I thought it was really amazing. I took a moment to look around the room and many people had tears in their eyes. Tears of joy? Tears of hope? Maybe just raw emotion to see such a wonderful thing happen in our country. I almost always feel proud to be an American, but that day was certainly one of my proudest moments. After the innaugeration Devon and I headed home, in a bright new Obama day.

The Divine Ms. C does it again

2009-01-19T19:33:00.000-05:00

So it's only what? The third week of the year and we already have an amazing contender for song of the year. That's right, while all the drama of this season's American Idol is just getting started, the original Idol is poised to dominate the dance floor this year. My Life Would Suck Without You is Awesome. That's right, capital A. I know, it's basically Since U Been Gone part deux, but really, is there anything wrong with that? Since U Been Gone is one of my favorite songs of all time. So what if the beginning sounds exactly the same as SUBG? The middle is kinda different? People are complaining this is pop radio trash but you know what? It's what I enjoy. All those music snobs can go and ohh and ahh and cry over Fleet Foxes and Bon Iver. I want music that makes me happy. This is it.

The gay boys are going to eat this shit up. I can just picture myself losing my shit at The Ritz or The Boatslip when this song comes on. It has an amazing, soaring hook that just begs you to get up off your ass, sing along with your best friend or fag hag, and flair about and/or play air guitar. Basically what I did every time Since U Been Gone was played. Plus, the lyrics are so generic people can relate to the song in hundreds of different ways. I've already applied it to my hubby, by friend, and my dog. I mean, my life would kinda suck without any of them. Imagine the unbridled joy of screaming this song into your best friends face - it'll be alot more fun than "shut your mouth I just can't take it." You can play SUBG when you break up with your mean and MLWSWY during the makeup sex. Loves it.

MLK weekend or: Will BU be me?

2009-01-19T16:48:00.000-05:00

So after my Freelancers seminar at CUNY ended on Friday, Rick and I hightailed it up to Boston for some family, friends, and potential schooling action. The drive was pleasant, with the obligatory stop over in Sandy Hook for some Subway. I had a information session at BU at 3:30 and although the weather was bitter cold, we told Kippy on a walk downtown to Lexington, and then took a nice nap until it was time to go.

So here's the pros with BU's journalism program:

More right for me than Mario Lopez in a speedo
It's highly respected and academically rigourous. Rick thinks I would become the best writer at BU, and although I would probably agree, there is no way to know that. It's very large, and the college of communications has lots of different programs, so the ability to work together across a range of disciplines is there. The alumnai network is very large. Boston is pretty fly and we would enjoy living and working there.

Ok, sounds peachy right? Let's get to the cons, several of them major.
As unappealing as eating out an underage Chinese gymnast
BU is expensive as FUCK. It's $18,500 tuition per semester. For three semesters thats $55,500. So, if I go to CUNY instead of BU I would be saving $43,500. That's pretty much an entire year's worth of work. Thats a major consideration. Secondly, they do not have an arts/culture/entertainment track, which is what I want to focus on. Hmmm. I asked about it, and they said students can easily focus on it, they just have to put their own program together. Fun. Those are really the only two major cons, but how major they are.

So what to do? I'm going to apply, and see what happens. I obviously hope to get into all my schools, to be able to play them off each other, but I see BU as a long shot, even if I get in.

After the info session, we went home and Kasim came over for dinner at 41 Woodland rd. It was really a fun night, with lots of wine and laughs. We stayed up late playing hearts and then Rick went to bed and somehow we figured it would be a good idea to go to 7-11 and buy cigarettes. I was pretty shitwreacked at the time, and it was really fun. We drove down to Fiske, our spot, and I chain smoked, (Kasim had a couple) and we shot the shit for a while. Finally Kasim took me home and headed back to Lowel.

I was a mess the next morning and in a terrible mood. We had breakfast and bid my parents adieu. We had forgotten that the rental place across the street from us closed at 3 on Saturdays so I had to drive the car into Manhattan to drop it off just as my hangover was hitting it's peak. Rick and I got into a huge fight about it and it was just an unpleasant day all around. We did make up though, and we've spent the rest of the weekend just hanging out, watching football and the Austrailian Open, and taking Kippy for a fun dog park visit in the snow.

Until next time, my delicious fruit tarts,
JB

J-School for JRB

2009-01-15T09:13:00.000-05:00

My delicate snowflakes, now is when I talk about Grad School. It's about time. I've been struggling with what to do with my life for a while now. Maybe struggling is the wrong word. Perhaps "wrasslin'" is more apt. After the fun and excitement of getting promoted to manager at Rico wore thin, I became a bit complacent. The gig was pretty good. It was 4 blocks from my apartment, a decent salary, and I was the boss. But I wasn't doing anything that I loved. I wrassled with other occupations briefly: A vet! No, too much studying and being a doctor. Plus the pay sucked for the effort put in. A model! Well, I'm getting a bit old and I don't think my delicate ego could withstand being beautiful dirty rich. I think I kept putting of writing because it's fucking hard and you have to expose yourself to the world. Even worse than being a model. People are judging you on your intelligence rather than your looks. I can always look in the mirror and convince myself that I'm rediculously good looking, but sometimes I have crisis of confidence in my intelectual ability. I know one of my biggest challenges will be overcoming this fear and having confidence in abilities.

So, I stopped denying the ineveitable and began looking at J-Schools. My initial list was large and ambitious: Columbia. NYU. Berkeley. Northwestern. Emerson. BU. Temple. Northeastern. CUNY. Ok, so the list isn't enormous, but it is fairly ambitious. Consequently, I've eleminated all of the top schools off the list. I am fairly confident that I can't get into Columbia, NYU, Northewestern or Berkeley. These are the best J-Schools in the country. Not to say that I'm not one of the most promising writers in the country, but my records don't show it. Also, several of these school want established journalists as students and I just don't have the killer resume to show them. I'm still not sure if it was the best decision, but I'm happy with my new list, and it saves me considerable application fees.

So, my final list includes the CUNY Graduate School of Journalism, Emerson, Boston University, and The University of British Columbia. I still might apply to Northeastern, but I haven't decided yet.

So my top choice is CUNY. We complete each other. The reasons are pretty simple: It's in New York. It's extremely affordable. It has an Arts & Culture track. It's extremely affordable. It has a "New Media" tract. It's extremely affordable. They have lots of usefull classes that teach in demand skills. It's extremely affordable. It focus on getting you a job when you graduate. This all breaks down to CUNY being a GREAT VALUE. I'm talking $12,000 TOTAL for 16 months of schooling and a Master's degree. Plus there is a large chance I will be awarded a $7000 grant as a gay journalist. So, I look at that and wonder if anything BU is going to offer me will be worth $35,000. Highly doubtful. So yeah CUNY and I are down with each other. However, it's the only school I've visited, so things could change.

After CUNY comes That would be the University of British Columbia. In Vancouver. Um whoa, eh? It's beautiful: Ok I've never been out there but everyone I've ever talked to in my life seems to think Vancouver is the greatest place ever. However, most of these people have never been out there either. Vancouver benefits from really positive, overrated word of mouth. Now, I'm sure Vtown is pretty fly, but I'm sure it's not "the most beautiful place in the known world" and "so cool I'm writing an opus dedicated to its spendor." As far as I know no one has ever actually said these quotes, but this is the type of response I get when I mention I might move to BC. Still the prospect of moving out there is pretty exciting for me. It seems so exotic and idyllic and affordable and Kippy would just adore it. More pros: The Olymipcs are going to be there is 2010. Vancouver is a hotspot for movie and television production, (3rd in North America after LA and New York) areas I want to write about. BC is a center for video game production, another area I want to write about. You'll notice that everything I've mentioned is about the city and not the school. That's becuase I don't know too much about it. I know its a well respected school, and "the only graduate school of Journalism in Western Canada." So, I'm hoping I get in and Rick and I can go out there to explore this spring.

My last three schools I group into my Boston Group. The truth is I don't know too much about them except that they are expensive. Emerson, BU, and Northeastern. I'm going up to Boston this weekend to see Mom n' Pop, hang with the K-mas and go to an info session at BU this weekend, so I'm sure I'll have a better idea about that school after tomorrow. Right now I'm off to a Freelancer's Seminar at CUNY. Peace out kids have a good weekend!!

xoxo
JB

Mara made me do it. . .

2009-01-12T02:43:00.000-05:00

Dammit Mara, I'm only doing this cause you're pregnant! Just kidding, you're wrong, I love doing self indulgent lists like this. And I haven't done this kinda shit since like Freshman year of highschool. I'm in a really weird mood right now and it's 2:45 in the morning, so this should be interesting. . .

Oh and Rachel Rose. . .you're my only other blogger friend - so I'm paying it forward to you. . .although you're blog is a bit more professional. . .

I AM. . .restless

I WANT. . .to be sitting down for Showgirls in Provincetown and ordering a drink

I HAVE. . .a beautiful husband and dog

I KEEP. . .playing World of Warcraft incessantly

I WISH I COULD. . .be more witty

I HATE. . .slow people, but not as much as Rick

I FEAR. . .armageddon, seeing the world go to shit

I HEAR. . .the refrigerator running, and Lady Gaga very soon

I DON'T THINK. . .I should play Warcraft tomorrow. . .but I will anyway

I REGRET. . .buying so much expensive furniture

I LOVE. . .dancing

I AM NOT. . .heterosexual. . .by any streach

I DANCE. . .as often as I can. . .and hopefully tomorrow?!

I SING. . .badly, very badly

I NEVER. . .do enough housework

I RARELY. . .get up before 11!

I CRY WHEN I WATCH. . .just about anything "heartwarming." That includes The Incredibles

I AM NOT ALWAYS. . .ready to party

I HATE THAT. . .I'm not more productive

I'M CONFUSED ABOUT. . .Isreal/Palistine. . .

I NEED. . .nothing more than what I have

I SHOULD. . .really go to bed soon. . .

The Holidays Part Tres - Skiddie Time!

2009-01-09T17:29:00.000-05:00

After getting back from the Berkshire, Rick and I had a few days to relax and then - Mello! Lojo came to town! Inspired by her NYC visit, our long lost roomate Noa, who has been getting her doctorate in Southern Florida since college ended, came to Brooklyn for some shenanigans. Noa and Lojo arrived in Brooklyn at around the same time at my apartment, and we took a walk down to the Promenade and into DUMBO. It was a wonderful winter day, and we had a lot of laughs and silly times just walking around and hanging out. We returned to my apartment and played some Guitar Hero until it was time to meet Marky in the hood for some yummy thai food. It was so nice seeing Noa and I wish her luck on all her medical interviews in the near future.

For New Year's Eve, Marky and Matt threw a fabulous party at their apartment! We were so close to getting all five former roomates together, and although we only got 4 (me, Mark, Devon, and Lojo), it was super fun. Everyone was kind of a mess getting ready for New Year Eve, especially me. Whoever made me gay clearly forgot to give me that fashion gene all gay men are supposed to get and I've realized I'm kind of a

fasion disaster. I tried on about 10 different outfits and all of them were terrible. I wasn't happy with what I settled on, but we basically had to leave and I had run out of options so c'est la vie. The party was a big ole Skiddy Reunion with us Gay Catherine St. roomies, Meera, Markland, Kenne, and Dorothy. We missed you Nat and Mikey O!
Some highlights: Rick imitating Drew Barrymore's "big results!" line from Body Fuzion and knocking over his drink, me hiding from this girl behind Dorothy because I couldn't remember her name, Keene introducing "my girlfriend WHO I FUCK ALL THE TIME," question of the night "how old is the oldest person you've ever slept with?" - Aron won that door prize and was the proud new owner of the naked Tony Danza picture, an entire group of people, including Laura thinking Rick said "Laura coudn't get a date to save her life, although right now she's probably getting plowed by some butch dyke" and of course, me rocking out with my Hello Kitty microphone.
Did anyone else watch the "countdown" on CNN? Becuase there was no clock on the screen. We were watching it muted on closed captioning and we were counting down by the script for deaf people that everyone knows has like a 5 second delay. While the screen was showing "Five. . .four. . ." a graphic came up on the screen that said "Happy New Year!" but everyone pretended they didn't see it and just kept couting. It was pretty ghetto but silly and fun. Everyone loves a good countdown. Plus, I really do love those first few minutes after New Years where you go around and hug everyone and kiss them and wish them Happy New Year. Everyone is always so happy and full of warmth; I really do think a New Year bring about feelings of hope and renewal.
After the countdown I got down with my aforementioned badass Hello Kitty microphone, and shoke my grove thing like it was 1999! Everyone was really in a good mood and it was overall just a fun party. While certainly can't say that it was a sober occasion, I was a bit more in control that usual and although I seem to have blacked out right after I jumped on the hood of this ambulence, I definately remember staying up until four in the morning watching Britney videos with Lojo until Nina called. She hooted like a barn owl ("hoot, hoot") when she was off the phone with her, but I was way passed out by then.

Lojo had to leave the next day, so we took a nice walk with her down to the bagel shop and saw her off on the subway. Tear. It was a nice visit, and a fantastic holiday season. Here's to a fabulous 2009!!

Xmas II

2009-01-08T18:54:00.000-05:00

So I know you are all dying to find out how my holidays ended, so, I'll tell you. On the 26th we flew from Wisco back to NYC and rented a car right from the airport to drive up to the Berkshires. Apart from a brief squabble while leaving the airport area, things went swimingingly. Now let me preface this post by describing a little bit what a trip out to Tunxis (our Hyannisport, dahling) is like. Its basically hanging out with my parents and playing games interspersed by my mother cooking delicious meals with us. We start drinking heavily around 6 and don't stop until an unreasonalbe time (when my mother starts getting emotional or a log falls out of the fireplace). So, by all accounts its usually a pretty great and unhealthy time. I enjoy it as well because Kippy goes apeshit and has the time of his life up there, so I feel less guilty keeping him in our appartment for 23 hours a day at home.

After a jubilant reunion with Kippy at Tim & Paul's we arrive at the TRout House in the evening to do Le Noel Bathaser with my parents. My mom does 95% (if not 100%) of the Xmas shopping and she still likes to treat me, and now Rick, as if we were 7 years old. This means a stocking stuffed with gum, toothbrushes, candy, socks, and the like as well as about 10 presents for each of us. She went nuts at Tommy Hilfiger and got us all kinds of undwear, jackets, shirts, ect. which I'll actually wear. Probably the most exciting Jesus Day moment was when I sucessfully predicted getting The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo out of the blue. I had never asked my mom for it, and I really wanted it because it was on Stephen King's top ten books of 2008, so it was really cool she got it for me, and even cooler that I guessed it. She also got me a subscription to The Paris Review which I am very excited about as well as nice gloves, an amaryllis (which I definitely had to look up how to spell) and toffee. So we both got a pretty nice haul overall.

A spectacular sunset on the way home from Tim & Paul's place

The rest of the weekend was dedicated to playing ping-pong and getting drunk at cocktail parties. Seriously. The second night we were there my parents organized a cocktail party for the Caldwells (our next door neighbors) and after that I conviced all of us to go over the the Lawler's for his cocktail party. These parties are sometimes a bit stressful for me because I grew up with all these people and I'm expected to remember all of their names. Well, maybe not expected, because I spent alot of summers away in Provincetown and I am just now starting to reconnect to the Berkshires. Often someone will come up to me and say "you may not remember me, but I'm. . ." but also some people say "Jonathan Balthaser! I haven't seen you in 5 years! How are you!" and I have to pretend like I know who they are. This is easier with liquor. There are really alot of fascinating people who live around the lake and it was nice drunkenly talking with them. Rick is starting to get a clear view of the members. Anyway, apparently we were popular as my mother has told us several times since that we "were the hit of the party." I really don't think that we are that fascinating, but when I think about it, a married twenty year old couple is probably a giant gust of fresh air to these 60 year olds who are used to seeing only each other all year at these cocktail parties.

The last party was thrown by Ron Ronald, my father's best friend from his Denison days. He is related to our neighbors the Caldwells, and likes to throw a large family holiday party that he invites our family to as well. He owns a restaurant in Hartford, so he brought in his head chef to prepare a meal at the Clubhouse. Now, because Ron is best friends with my father, there is even more anxiety about remember who everyone is in his family. He seems to have around 6 daughters, and I can never remember who is who and what they all do. This night I made a concious effort to start to remember some of them and I made some real progress. The meal was nice and I sat next to Ron's sister who was quite interesting to talk to. One of the Caldwell's daughter's, Amelie, got into Denison, so everyone was all excited about that. Rick correctly guessed all the children's grades, and they all guessed he was 26 years old. The evening ended with a heated ping-pong game between Rick and Amelie, my mother and myself. So, 10 pounds heavier and with our livers ravaged, we headed back to NYC for some Skiddie New Year's Even fun. . .until next time!

My Xmas in Wisconsin

2009-01-07T00:22:00.001-05:00

Well it's been a while and as I've said before, I hate when bloggers talk about how long it's been since their last post so moving on. . .

The Holidays were pretty fantastic. I almost had a anxiety attack when Tim came to pick up Kippy to take care of him for the three days we would be away in Wisconsin. Seriously, I almost lost my shit. I was getting all choked up and felt like I was going to cry and wanted to hold him close and not let him go. I was afraid that Kippy would be afraid in their small New York apartment and miserable having to deal with their two pugs. However after talking with Tim, it seems like he barely missed us. He dealt with the apartment fine, and once he got up to the Berkshire AKA Dog Heaven, we were but mere remnants of a memory, replaced by the joy of frolicking in snow. Basically he had a fantastic time while Rick and I were pining away for our little Reno.

Wisconsin was a hoot - we drank a lot (Harvey Walbangers and Tom and Jerrys - only in the Midwest) and I was subjected to more forced gambling at cards and pool. It's interesting how Rick's father seems to always clean up. Rick's farther WAS in a jolly old mood though, and although I wouldn't say we did anything on the level of bonding, he was less than his gruff usual self. He also told me kinda out of the blue after we played pool that I could be a great pool player if I played in a league. So that was sweet.
Lori plays Santa during Xmas eve present opening

The was a ton of snow as expected, but none really fell while we were there, and it wasn't unbearably cold. It was my first Christmas outside my own family and it was a very nice experience. On Christmas Eve, the Smetanas like to play cards, drink and then open all their presents. Basically everything I got was a game which was pretty amazing. I got Pass the Pigs (vintage), Guitar Hero III, our third copy of Cranium, Pictureka and a great new dice game called Farkle. On Christmas day we went over to Rick's aunt Linda's house, started drinking around noon, and opened more presents (I only got one gift there). It was nice knowing most of the people there and for the first time I began to really feel comfortable around Rick's family. I got an ear full of gossip as well, and learned a lot about DUIs, school expulsions, failed marriages, and more of the usual family drama. Rick's cousin, who is kind of hot, pulled out a bag of weed while a group of us were playing Farkle and began to roll a joint before his step-mom told him to put it away. So we went out into his car and lit up there. Nice.

We went back to the Smetana household around 8 and played 31 (and I lost more money for quite some time.) Rick's farther was very animated and I drank an entire bottle of wine by myself. It was a lovely way to end a pleasant Christmas. The next morning, we just got up, ate a delicious breakfast of blueberry pancakes, watched an episode of Cash Cab and rolled on out of there to the airport. Done and done. Back to New York and then immediately up to the Berkshires for Christmas Round 2 with the Balthasers.

The fabulous life of the unemployed

2008-12-10T13:30:00.000-05:00

Well its been a while. I hate when people ramble on about not updating their blogs so I'm not going to. I even feel guilty mentioning it, but whatever, I'm done with it.

So, I'm unemployed and loving it. Here's how my typical day usually pans out. I get up anytime between 9 and 12. Ok, so I've never gotten up at 9. I guess the average get up time is about 10 o'clock. (Mind you I have already gotten up around 7 to take Kipper for a walk) I take Kipper for another walk, and usually get a coffee at Starbucks in my neighb. After that, I make myself a protein shake for "breakfast" or rarely scramble some egg whites - you see, I'm working on that killer body so I can become a rich and famous model. I'll let everyone know when that happens.

With my tummy full and my pup taken care of, I plop myself down on the computer to work on shaping my future. I could do any number of things, and right now there is no rhyme and reason to what goes on. Foremost on my mind right now is getting solid applications out to my graduate journalism school, so I've been working on the personal statement, corresponding with my recommenders to make sure they get their rec in, ordering transcripts, sending GRE scores, reviewing writing samples and all kinds of other thrilling tasks that go into successfully applying to schools.

Sometimes I'll look for jobs. This includes contacting friends, colleagues, and acquaintances and asking them for contacts or job leads. This includes trolling Craigslist along with millions of other people in NYC looking for a plum job, or even just a bartending or modeling gig. This includes. This includes emailing my work advisor who is "working" on getting me temp work - and I say working because so far she has done jack shit for me; not that I blame her, I can imagine she's got dozens and dozens of better qualified, needier applicants she can place for the scant temp jobs that are available. Still, the bitch could return an email. This includes applying for internships and emailing random editors telling them why they should hire me. It's often surprising where jobs can come from. But here's the catch. I don't really want a job. I'm on unemployment and its not so bad. $405 a week. That's $1620 a month for all you who haven't been keep up with your multiplication tables. Now, it's not like I'm going to be planning any Carribean vacations on this money, but it can certainly get me through the month. And I'm married now so I have my husband to support me if need be. Plus, Rick and I live pretty modestly. It's basically rent, gym, bills, and food. We hardly go out anymore, so the major bar tabs are a hazy memory. I've blown my wad on fab furniture over the past year so the apartment is nice and pleasant to be in. New clothes and gorgeous little things dahling would be nice, but I can live without. Going out to eat is nice, and we can still do that time to time. Thankfully, we are both healthy and I am covered under Rick's health insurance. Luckily, there is no compulsion to keep up with any Jones' so I'm living a pretty satisfying life. Trouble is, it clearly won't last. As lazy a person as I naturally am, I will want a job sooner than later. Once my applications are finished, I'll have nothing important to occupy my time and I'm going to feel like a giant waste of space.

Ok back to the schedule. Working on the computer all day get monotonous so I'll take breaks from time to time to time. If it's not to cold out, I'll take lil Kippy Reno out for a run to the dog park. It's a new routine I've developed and I really love it. I run along the Brooklyn Heights promenade, which always affords an impressive view of downtown Manhattan and the Brooklyn Bridge. I feel like Rocky training, and I can tell Kipper is so happy, with his eyes wild and alert, ears flopping in the wind. We go to the dog park which is about 1 mile, and although there are not as many dogs running around now that it's so wintery, usually there are one or two that Kippy gets to frolic with for a half hour or so. Other things I'll do to break up the monotony is surf the web, make some food, play fetch with the Kipster, watch CNN, chat online with friends, clean and do chores, play video games, stare at hot guys working out at the YMCA across the street from us, and yes, yank one out from time to time. Sometimes at the same time. Ah, the glory of masterbating mid-afternoon! Is it any wonder I'm loving being unemployed?

Now, many of you have probably noticed my allusions to my burgeoning modeling career. I like to try and talk about it tongue and cheek because it's kind of ridiculous, although I have made good money on it before, and I have been successful at it, so I think it really could be viable option to get me through the next several months until school starts. And certainly I could defer for year if they want me to be the new face of Calvin Klein Underware. Just saying. So, in pursuit of some gigs and or A CONTRACT, I've been doing several headshot shoots with my friend and wedding photographer Sara Wight. We got some really good ones and I am working on putting a comp card together soon.

Eventually Rick comes home around 4:00 and we usually chat and he showers, takes Kippy out and sometimes takes a nap at which point I go back to doing some more work. Now we are back to the point in the day when I was employed: Rick wakes up, we watch tv then go to the gym or the reverse of that, eat and do nighttime activities, which range from having sex to making tea.

Thanks for reading!! If you have any job leads or words or kindness, please let me know!

Its amazing the things you find on the web when you're unemployed. . .

2008-11-25T15:52:00.000-05:00

Ok, this is amazing, and I give back slaps all around to whomever came up with this Dildo. Its the Head-O-State. Ready for the big "O?" In case you can't tell, its a dildo with Barack Obama's head as the, well, head. And its pretty fuckin hot.

It seems that every Republican actually tried this product out in their asses on Election night. Unfortunately, the product reviews were less than glowing. Word is Hillary Clinton loves the thing though. Seriously, if I had more disposable income these days, there would be a Head of State in the mail to right now. I mean, what sexually active liberal Democrat wouldn't want thing in one of their orifices? I can actually think of several straight males who would just adore this tool being rammed up their progressive starfish. I've always thought it was shame how few straight men learn to enjoy the joy of anal penetration. Maybe this toy can "loosen up" some of the more open ones? Is that an audacious hope? I don't think so. If you wanna order one of these babies, check out http://headostate.com

We got a new dog!!!

2008-11-20T18:51:00.000-05:00

According to the City of New York Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. . .First of all, what the hell is "metal hygiene." It sounds like some Big Brother program to convince us all not think dirty thoughts. Anyway, this thing we got in the mail is just plain funny. Apparently Rick is the owner of Princess, a spayed Shih Tzu.

We have no idea why New York City thinks we own a Shih Tzu, but its amazing that her name is Princess.

Lisa Kudrow's brilliant new web-show

2008-11-19T15:10:00.000-05:00

I've loved Lisa Kudrow for a long, long time. Ever since Friends and even Mad About You, way back in middle school, I've harbored a deep love and appreciation for this extremely intelligent, beautiful and hilarious woman.

I thought Kudrows portrayal of Phoebe was by far the greatest performance of the bunch on Friends and I never quite understood why Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox seemed to get most of the attention. Probably because they were the more conventional beauties on the show. Then came The Comeback, in my opinion the most underrated comedy series of the last decade. Kudrow has a gift with comedic timing and adds amazing subtley to every role, making her fascinating to watch. And I find much of her more recent work goes beyond pure comedy. She's not afraid to invest in a character and slowly build out her psyche. Alot of her recent material is not so much laugh out loud funny as slow-burning, twinkle in the eye, sly smile satisfaction. You almost forget she's in on the joke. She employs comedic devices such as subtle verbal tics, uncomfortable pauses, and quick eye movements to build some of the most complex comedic characters we've seen.

Take Web Therapy for example, Kudrow's new web based show which you can catch at www.lstudio.com or here, specifically: http://lstudio.lexus.com/#vid1204 . Kudrow plays Fiona Wallace, a completely self-absorbed "therapist" who is launching a new business by offering 3 minute therapy sessions. Fiona is elitist, confrontational, and awkward and I love every moment of it. She's probably the worst therapists out there, as she seems to have no formal training and spends most of the each 3 minute session addressing her problems. Flying by the seat of her pants, Wallace has chosen this new therapy "modality" because she discovered that 50 minute sessions usually amount to patients "going on and on about dreams and feelings and memories and past experiences that add up to whole lot of nothing. . ." Of course the written word does not nearly convey the way Kudrow delivers this line, complete with eye rolls, condescension, disdain. Even the 10 second introduction is a tiny slice of brilliance. Notice how Kudrow says her character's name, "this," and "therapy." Her eyes also bug out for a brief moment in excitement and she makes a little neck gesture to express enthusiasm. All this in just the introduction. Right now there are only 9 short episodes online, but they are better than the majority of the schlock that is on network tv right now. So check it out, let me know what you think, and if you haven't seen The Comeback yet, Netflix it immediately.

You know you love me
XOXO,
JB

The Fucked-Up Economy Hits Home. . .

2008-11-18T00:43:00.000-05:00

I can't say that I didn't see it coming. Things have been bad at work. As far back as last Christmas, when Rico told us he couldn't give us an Xmas bonus, things were bad. And that was almost A YEAR AGO. That was before gas prices shot through the roof and the housing market crashed and I think every American bank went under and oh yeah, something happened with the stock market as well. So, sales were down. We moved out of our delivery company and hired an in-house delivery team. We converted the basement to a warehouse. We reduced our hours to 4 days a week for the entire summer and then some. I actually thought we were doing remarkably well considering the circumstances, but apparently not. We reached a breaking point.

So, yesterday I got laid off. It was all very amicable. First thing in the morning. Rico praised my work over the past three years, and told me how upset he was and he gave me a hug. Anna, our bookkeeper, gave me a hug too. Rico told me that he would gladly write me a recommendation, and asked for my keys. And that was it. I was out the door, free, and unemployed.

Its hard to describe how I feel. Its a heavy mix of emotions and I swing wildly from one extreme to the next. I've been "terminated" once before from a hotel in Provincetown and honestly that one stung a lot more, and I know its because that one had to due purely with my work, whereas this job loss is completely economics based. So the ego didn't really take too big a hit. One thing does make me angry though. Rico chose me and not Rumy to let go. Rumy was technically my subordinate, and I'd been there far longer than her. It hurts that Rico felt Rumy was more valuable than me, and that I was not given the option of taking a shortened week or less money. Rumy definitely is payed less, so perhaps this was the deciding factor. Either way, it doesn't seem fair, but as my father properly taught me "life's not fair."

I am tempted to vent about many of my experiences at the store, but I'll refrain from that now. Perhaps at a later date when I've got no money and no job and I really need to let off some steam. For now, I'll say that overall it was a good experience. Overall, Rico is a good man, a wonderful artist and designer, and a great boss, but often overly emotional and irrational.

That said, I do not envy Rumy one bit. Running that store is going to be exhausting by herself, and dealing with Rico 5 days a week would drive anyone insane. Even thinking of the current ongoing problems and having to deal with them all myself makes me feel really bad for her. Then I have moments of unbridled joy when I realized that Oh my God, I'm never going to have to deal bitching, anal customers, wrong pillows, wrong orders, seams coming undone, stains, delivery damage, exorbitant shipping costs, late deliveries, un-met lead times, coked-up designers, whack jobs that come off the street and waste my time, and literally thousands of annoying customers I've dealt with over the years ever again. Its clear I still haven't let go of alot of this stress because I still feel anxious when I think about certain issues. All things must come to an end, and although this one came to an end about 9 months too soon, I'm going to look at it as a blessing in disguise.

Because, as I said, I'm free. As much as I actually did like my job, it was a sort of trap and I had gotten everything out of it that I was going to. I was stressing about telling Rico that I was planning on going back to school and obviously thats not an issue anymore. There are several major bonuses. First, I have lots of time now to work on submitting kick-admission's-ass applications to my journalism schools. I can spend more time with my dog, with my husband, and at the gym. I can focus on my writing (my blog!) and most importantly, get a new job that has to do with writing! Yeah the economy is going down the shitter, but I'll try not to think about that too much. . .to Craigslist, my dears! I'll keep everyone updated!

The Obligatory Obama Oration

2008-11-11T17:45:00.000-05:00

Yeah this isn't an oration, but I fucking love assonance so deal. And barring the tone of the topic and the previous sentence, I am overjoyed Barack Obama will be the next United States President. I am just as happy that George Bush is out of office and the Republicans are in retreat.

Election night was quite nice. I come home and Rick is positioned in front of the TV with CNN (obviously, cause no other station has Campbell Brown and David Gergen), which was a strange sight considering he's usually asleep when I get home.

I plop myself down, grab Rick's hand and wait for the returns to roll in. Ok, so it wasn't as dramatic as that, and as everyone knows, waiting for returns to come in can be as boring as watching paint dry, and then sitting back and deciding you just LOVE this new color (like what happened on Tuesday), or realizing you've just totally changed the room into this hideous new thing that doesn't agree with any of your social values (2000 & 2004). Yeah. Moving on.

The very first returns made me just the slightest bit nervous. They projected a couple of states McCain was supposed to win, and he seemed neck and neck with Barack in several other states, with McCain slightly leading. Of John King, at his beloved Magic Map, kept saying that the urban, democratic areas had yet to be reported, but I was poised for the worst, given the outcomes of the last two elections that I was just sure would go to the Democrats. Well, they started calling more and more states for Obama and then he began leading in several key states. Of course the major turning point was when they called Pennsylvania for Obama. There is a bar just below our building with a back patio which we can hear very clearly now that there is a huge building shadowing it and reflecting all the noise up the side of it. Every time a state was projected for Obama, a huge roar would go up that seemed to shake the whole building, and there was no doubt we were living in good ole liberal Brooklyn. Soon after, Ohio was called for Obama, and although they couldn't call it yet, everyone started talking about the implications of Obama winning. As we all know, at 11 PM EST, they called the race and proclaimed Obama as President Elect. It was a wonderful moment, and Rick leaned over, said "this is good for us, baby" and kissed me. I could literally feel a weight lifting off my shoulders; a lightening. We popped a bottle of champagne and toasted to No More Bush, to Democratic, liberal leadership, and to the first African American elected President.

Of course people had been hooting and hollering the entire time outside and honking horns going down Atlantic Ave. This continued throughout the night even to the point where Rick had to get up because he couldn't fall asleep due to all the noise. He may have been a little excited, too. Now, I was a Hillary supporter and slowly warmed up to Obama as the race wore on. While I don't have the frothing-mouth, fanatical love for Obama as many people I know do, I have to say he has given me something that no other politician has ever given me: hope. Yes, just as he promised, just as he campaigned on. I knew it exactly the moment it happened, the next day. I was crossing the street and thinking about Grad school and applications and projecting what my future might be like depending on what school I go to. And then I realized that no matter where I went to school, Barack Obama would be President while I was going there. Not George Bush, not John McCain, not Sarah Palin or some other asshole who thinks of me as a second class citizen because I love another man. No it would be Obama and I actually felt a surge of happiness and above all, hope. It felt amazing. Here's the the future, O, let's make it a good one.

Is it just me or is Gossip Girl getting crazy good as the season goes on?

2008-11-11T01:59:00.000-05:00

I mean! I'm just sayin. . .

BioShock: The Review

2008-11-03T17:03:00.000-05:00

Well, I promised a review of Bioshock a while ago and now, since I finally beat the game this weekend, I'm now delivering.

As a preface, Bioshock has gotten amazing reviews from every major electronic games magazine out there and has one several "game of the year awards" as well. It received an aggregate score of 95 on metacritic.com and basically has been called the bomb by everyone whos anyone in the video game world.

My experience was a little less enjoyable than that. And I'm not surprised. I'll put it out there right now: I am an extremely hard to please gamer. I demand constant innovation and immersion to keep my attention. I am a developer's worst nightmare. So, while there are many parts of Bioshock that are admirable and deserve high praise, overall I was dissapointed with my gaming experience.

Bioshock is a first person shooter that begins with you taking the role of an unnamed man on an airplane that suddenly goes down in somewhere over the Atlantic ocean. You rise up to the surface surrounded by a ring of fire and are able to swim to tiny creepy island, where upon you discover an "elevator" that does down. . .way down. . .

The elevator takes you to Rapture, a gleaming city built at the bottom of the sea, a place its architect and god-like ruler, Andrew Ryan, has built to escape the oppressive regimes of our world. "Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow?" Ryan asks. "No, says the man in Washington, it belongs to the poor. No, says the man in the Vatican it belongs to God! No, says the man in Moscow, it belongs to everyone." Such is the context of the rich world you are about to enter. The writers of Bioshock have done a superb job of creating a world unto itself. Ryan has gone about creating his own utopia under the sea and the production team behind Bioshock has mounted an incredibly believable model of this world. The visuals, although for the most part dark and saturnine, are rich a mix of stylized 1950's naivetee and an underwater labrynth constructed with steel, glass and fire. The sound is equally as enthralling. T

he heap of metal you are in is constantly creaking and heaving under the oppressive weight of the ocean and these

sounds really help in immersing you into this world. The denizens of Rapture are a twisted bunch and you can almost always hear them before you see them. Their mutterings, death cries, and caterwauls echo off the metal walls and, and the beginning at least, produce a palpable sense of fear. Its equally terrifying and pleasurable discovering what Rapture was and has become, mainly due to the impressive production value the designers have instilled in the game. The story unfold through audiotapes left around Rapture and its up to you weather or not you want to listen to them. They add considerable deapth to the story, although I found them sometimes distracting and hard to understand. I had to turn on the subtitles option

halfway though because almost every main character speaks in one crazy accent or another. I've heard they are filming Bioshock movie, which comes as no surprise, as this game is ripe with the makings of a creepy action blockbuster.

Rapture is a world gone insane. Unchecked scientific progress has lead to widespread use of personal genetic modifications - think of plastic surgery gone mad - that clearly spun out of control until a tipping point was reached and anarchy erupted in Rapture, killing most of its occupants. The things that remain, the Splicers, are deranged, mutated humans who are constantly searching for adam, the stuff that lets you genetically enhance yourself. Soon enough, you'll have the opportunity to splice yourself up and be able to wield awesome powers - fire, electricity, telekinesis, even command swarms of insects, as well as outfit yourself with suped-up tonics that provide sweet passive bonuses such as invisibility and electric skin. And

you'll need them, because you're goona have to take down Big Daddies, and lots of 'em.

A Big Daddy bears down, Little Sister in hand. Uh, I think we're gonna need a bigger wrench.

Big Daddies are the hulking, drill-for-a-hand equipped behemoth protectors of the Little Sisters, the Keepers of the Adam. They'll do anything in their power to protect these little girls. After you do eventually take them down, you're confronted with the a decision - save the Little Sisters from the "worm" that is infesting them and take some their adam, or kill them and take all their adam. Huh? Exactly. The specifics of what exactly is going on when you chose to save or destroy the Sisters is muddled and therefore, for me, diluted the intensity of the moral decision I had to make. Yet it is still there. Do I save this little girl, albeit one with glowing, red evil eyes, and scrape by, or do I destroy them, and become more powerful than I could ever possibly imagine MWAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH. Personally I decided to save most of the little girls, cause, y'know, I'm a stand up guy, but I had to kill a few just to see what happened cause, y'know, I'm bad ass like that. Critics have hailed this feature of the game as one of its best, because it "makes you feel." Now, I did have to think a few seconds about what I was going to do the first few times, but there are so many Little Sisters, the experience became rote and repetitive.

While it might sound like I liked this game overall, there are several major problems in it for me. The most important for me was the repetitive nature of the game. Overall, there are only about 5 enemies. There are the Splicers that either jump at you, shoot at you, or throw bombs at you, there are gun turrets, and there are Big Daddies. I quickly grew bored of level after level of the same thing. The Big Daddies are scary and menacing, but after the 12th one you've killed, the excitement is gone. I wish they each had different strengths weaknesses, different attack styles etc. similar to Mega Man bosses, because as it is, I used the same strategy for each one - stand back, launch a few grenade rounds, stun with electricty, launch a few more, repeat. The levels have a similar been-there-done-that feel to them as well. While its true you go to lots of different places like the Medical Pavilion, the energy generator, the "Vacation Land," etc. They all feel so similar and are colored with such dark, murky tones, I got more than a little inured to the style. Now, perhaps I didn't spend quite enough time with the game, or play it on a high enough difficulty level, but frankly, I didn't want to. I've read how innovative the game can be, and how you can progress through different parts in different ways, but to be honest I don't have any desire to go back and experience this again. Even as I could tell I was nearing the end of the game, I had to force myself to keep playing, mainly so I could just beat the damn thing and move on to my next game. THAT, more than anything else tells me that this is not a stellar game. Or, maybe its just me. I DID play it all the way through and thats not something I can say about every game.

Overall, I give it an 86 out of 100

J&J's wild night in NYC or: We were so Gossip Girl last night. . .

2008-10-30T01:02:00.001-04:00

Last night was truly amazing. Some, like me, might call it redoubtable, which means awe-inspiring (a holdover from my recently passed GRE days). It was just one of those nights that starts off right and rockets you away. Everything continues to get crazier and kookier and you'll in the drivers seat. One of those nights you can only have in New York City. A few weeks ago I heard from my HTM friend Mark that "my lady lover" (yes, he actually used that term) was performing. By lady lover he meant the redoubtable Lady Gaga, who totally makes me wet. Tickets were $10 and it was a no-brainer, I was going. Right around that time, I got reacquainted with Jackie, Nick's friend from law school. We hung out during David Enrich's pumpkin carving contest and ended up convincing a large group of straight people to come the Katty Shack with us, and we had a fantastic time. This event seemed right up Jax's alley so I invited her and lo and behold, she loves Lady G just as much as me. This type of thing isn't exactly Rick's cup of tea, so I was not surprised when he decided to stay in and watch his science movie. It would be pretty lame if he wasn't so hot doing it.

So Jax came over my place around 8 and we have a few drinks and watch some hot music videos before we headed off into the night. We hit up the F train and the train was just leaving the station right as we got there - fuck. Little did we know that this seemly unfortunate event would lead us to the greatest discovery of the night: a pair of plastic, lens-less, pseudo blinged out black glasses frame. Jax found them under the subway bench, picked them up and kinda went "eww". They looked kinda funky to me though, and I insisted she try them on. The results were pretty magical:

I know. We pretty much look as awesome as people can look. And then, right after we took these two pictures, another train rolled into the station. We have liftoff.

We became completely obsessed with these glasses for the rest of the night and insisted everyone we met try them on and take a picture with us. With our entrance where a menagerie of people we trying to get in. I pulled out my will call ticket and we went right on up. Just like celebrities. The place was chock-a-block with queer hotties and with our new glasses we were in high demand. I looked down the bar and made eye contact with this super cute guy and we both smiled at each other. I g confidence boosted by our magical new glasses, we strutted up to the clubot a sudden wave of self-conciousness and worried my glasses looked stupid so I put them up over my head. When I looked back he called down the bar "put the glasses back on! You look so cute in them!" Then I took a picture with a sexy nun who had her own pair of sweet glasses:So we were checking out the place (it was at the Highline Ballroom) and decided the upper balcony was the place where VIP like us should be. We asked about it and discovered thats where Lady G was doing album signings, but we could only go up there if we bought an album. Unbeknownst to me, Jackie had bought one so she had a wrist band, but I didn't. "Come with me" she said, and led us back to the main ticket booth. She asked the guy giving wrist bands a question and then let someone come up and distract him, at which point she casually reached down by the table and grabbed a wayward wristband and put it on me. Instant love. Really. NO ONE has ever done that for me! It just seemed so naughty and ballsy. I LOVED IT! We are now entering the stratosphere.

So we go upstairs and Jackie gets her album signed by Lady GaGa who had intense security around her - unfortunately we were unable to get a picture of her wearing the glasses. But we did get a nice shot of Lady G getting ready to sign Jax's CD - look how happy she looks!
By that time Marky and Matt had arrived! Yay! So we went down and, naturally, took some more photos of everyone wearing the glasses.
Loves it! Unforch, Mark wasn't feeling 100% so they were more in a lets chill and watch from the back type of mood, and Jax and I were ready to dance. Amanda Lepore was performing at that point and we pushed our way up and all of a sudden she was naked. I've never see that before. Lets just say her hair looked fierce. No, I kid. Her body was actually pretty rockin.

After the perfect amount of performances, booty shaking music and time enough to show off our glasses to everyone, it was time for the Gaga to perform! I was buzzin enough to enjoy just about anything, but she looked fabulous and put on a great, 15 minute set which was perfect. Check out her outfit and this amazing photo of her (at one point I was convinced the second here win me the pulitzer in photojournalism. I still love it, its just not quite as great as I originally thought).
We lost our shit when Just Dance came on, as did everyone else. That was 3 minutes of pure dancing bliss. This is Jackie, losing said shit:
And this is me, about to lose my shit. Notice stolen wristband and fly wedding ring.
After Lady Vajayjay went off, they busted out some of Britney's "Womanizer" and a couple other hot tunes so we danced it up, and went a little wild. This big black guy kept coming up to me and wanting to dance with me and introduced me to this little Russian lady as "my drug dealer" three times. Hey also kept trying to dance with Jackie. We look like BFFs in this pic but he was totally weirding me out.
One of the things I love about Jax is that she loves to dance probably more than I do. And, more than just dancing, she loves to dance on stages. So far, both nights I've been out with her she's dragged me up on stage and we're both working it out for everyone to admire. I don't know if this pic was taken while we were on stage but you can get a sense of how much fun we having dancing together.
Then, total pandemonium broke out as my head morphed into a giant Lady Gaga poster. Hot tranny messes across the whole place ooohed and ahhhed.
Soon, the crowd started to die down and we decided to take out leave. We were on way too much of a high to head home for the night, so I suggested the Cubbyhole! Yay! Jackie had never been there and I was just happy to be going to an "afterparty" so we took off. . .but not before pretty boy from the beginning of the evening stopped us, the same hot guy who told me I looked so cute in my glasses. He told us he was with Richie Rich and didn't want to hang out with him any more and blah blah blah where were we going and could he come along. It was so weird and kinda out of the blue, so Jackie and I just looked at each other and were like sure! Why not? But not before you take a picture wearing these glassesssssss!!!So we pile in a cab even though I later realized the Cubbyhole was about 7 minutes walking from where we were, although its like the Twilight zone in that area of the West Village and I can never find ANYTHING. Anyway, this guy John starts talking about how his boyfriend manages Madonna, and Cher and how he knows Andy Roddick and has the keys to his apartment and all this shit. He seemed totally enamoured by us and was inviting us to all these parties left and right. It was major name-droppage, which turns me off and gets me wet in equal measure, and for the most part I believed this guy. Whatever, I was pretty trashed by this point so everything he said I was impressed by and basically oohhed and ahhhhed and tell me more'd at. Major drinking commenced at the Cubbyhole, more dancing, split beer, cigarettes, etc. We were on such a high from the night and everything just seemed hilarious and so amusing. And of course, lots more ridiculous pictures.
Then, probably the weirdest thing of the night happened. Devon came in to the bar at about 3 in the morning, screamed by name, declared herself shitfaced, and freaked out that I was wearing her Olive Oyl shirt I "borrowed" from her in college. Susi was there, looked wildeyed and a bit wigged out, and no wonder: they had just come from partying with Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. Just went I thought our evening was about to take its wildest turn yet, and get invited to party with La Lohan, Devon was gone. In her defense, she was totally drunk and I think just stopped into the bar for a pee and then going home. And just after that oh newfound suggar daddy decided he had enough and peaceout without so much as leaving his number. Oh well, no four ways with Andy Roddick in the future. It was probably near 3:30 by this point and clearly about time to go home. So we gathered our things, hailed that cab and dragged out drunken, tired, happy queer asses back to Brooklyn. It was definitely one of my top 5 nights in NYC and I am SO happy it happened.

Peace bitches. Halloween's a-comin. . .

BoCoCa: My life in the Hills

2008-10-27T13:27:00.000-04:00

I love my neighborhood. My neighborhood loves me. Our apartment is really at a very interesting intersection of Brooklyn: part luxe, part ghetto, part business, part entertainment, part government, part nightlife, part white, part black, part middle eastern, part hispanic, part gentrified, part ghetto. Most of all, for me, my neighborhood is convenient. My neighborhood is actually so convenient, I can easily go weeks at a time without leaving a four block radius from my house. Literally the farthest place I have to go on a regular basis is my job, which is a whopping four blocks away. I imagine this apartment I am in now will be the most convenient place I'll ever live in respect to all major amenities. See the map? See that huge mess of icons all cluttered together? Thats all the amenities I use almost every day.

Let's take a look: I already mentioned my job, which is four blocks away. The gym is a block and a half away. The grocery store (Trader Joe's) is half a block away. My bank is less than half a block away. The dry cleaner is literally one door down from us. We rent cars at Avis, which is directly across the street. The laundromat is one and a half blocks away. There is a huge movie theater 2 blocks away and a wonderful independent theater 8 blocks away. There is a Barnes and Noble right next to the movie theater and another amazing independent bookstore two blocks away. Lastly, we have access to about 6 different trains within a five block radius.

But lets not kid ourselves. This is no Eden Rick and I step out into every day. We live RIGHT ON Atlantic Ave, one of the busiest, nastiest, dirtiest streets in the whole country. It took a while for us to get used to the 18 wheelers downshifting outside or window every night as we tried to sleep. I would literally bound out of bed in the mornings, awoken by some mac truck barreling down the street, thinking the terrorists were attacking again (you'd be amazed how much air breaks sound like bombs about to explode). There is a Halal meat market right on our block, and we are routinely privy to the sight of whole, skinned goats, sheep and other unidentifiable mammals being brought into the butcher's via shopping cart. The is bus stop right outside which brings the double bonus of getting to hear the bus come by every 10 minutes and drawing interesting characters to the stop. Still, its our little corner of the Earth and its really begun to feel like MY neighborhood. The future is still uncertain, but we'll probably be moving sometime next summer. I will be sure to enjoy it until then

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I just took the GREs. . .and boy is my brain tired!

2008-10-25T18:58:00.000-04:00

Today, I took the GREs, or for the uninitiated, the Graduate Record Examination. It was a stressful situation for the most part, but I did well!

The testing center was only 5 minutes away on Livingston St. and I when you get there, its like you're arriving at jail. You're not allowed to bring ANYTHING in with you and the woman told me that if I wore my sweatshirt into the testing area I would not be allowed to take it off. You stuff everything into a tiny locker they give you and then you sit down in a hallway with chairs along one side. Someone calls your name and then they test you on information you entered when you register. I'm always afraid I'm going to be stupid and get this stuff wrong. But I didn't. Then they take you inside this room with lots of computers and the woman hits some buttons and starts the test for you. There are some tutorials that literally tell you how to use a mouse and type, which I gladly read so as to delay the test. After about 15 minutes of these tutorials, the test began.

The first section is the essay section, where you have to write two essays. The first is the easiest, where they give you a statement and you have to argue for it or against it. There are no wrong answers, as long as you support your thesis and write a clear essay. There are two topics and you can chose which one you want to do. I got two good choices. One had to do with customs and traditions defining a culture, and the other stated that students should focus on learning ideas, trends, and concepts rather than focusing on facts. I chose the latter and wrote a pretty fucking sweet essay. I had lots of time left over and edited it. I was feeling good.

In the second essay, you have to tear about some "memo" or "report," finding inconcistancies and bad assumptions. This essay was easier than I expected as the prompt was long and had all kinds of inane assumptions in it that I could criticize. I didn't have as much time at the end but I finished and I thought I had written another pretty damn good essay.

Then my break came. I decided to go to the bathroom even though it made me nervous, because I'm always worried I'll be late, or do something to disqualify myself, or some other stupid shit like that. However, nothing happened, and I sat down, restarted the test, and the verbal section came up. I was most nervous about this section as it is ubdoubtably the most important part for getting me into a good graduate program, and therefore my very future could depend on what answer I chose during those 30 minutes. The test started out well, until I got the the word GAINSAY and I had to give an antonym. I have had trouble defining exactly what "gainsay" means in the past, and in fact I had that flashcard on my desk to look up exactly what it meant. This morning I saw the card on my desk and I thought about looking it up. I didn't and then later decided I just wasn't going to do it and I swear to God I thought to myself "watch, I'm not going to look this up and its going to appear on the test." And it did. So, it through me for a loop a little bit. However, I remembered what it meant and I think I got it right. The test was getting harder and harder, which was a good sign, but I started convincing myself I was answering everything wrong after "gainsay" came up. Then there was this incredibly dense reading comprehension article about coral reefs and I got bogged down trying to understand it and I wasted a lot of time, so I began to panic. At one point I had minutes to answer 15 questions. Ah!! I'm fucked, I thought. I really fucked this up. I knew I would. I put my last answer in with 2 seconds to go, and felt defeated. Certainly not how I wanted to finish up my test.

Math was next, which I don't care too much about, but I still didn't want to look like an idiot. Wow, this one felt even worse as I was going through it. It seemed to be focusing on all the types of questions that Princeton review told me it wouldn't focus on and they were all hard! "I must be getting all of these wrong," I thought, so where are the easy questions?! It really felt like a blood bath, because some of the questions were so hard I had no idea how to even guess or ballpark an answer. There were strings of 2 or 3 questions that I literally just guessed at. And then I would think back to verbal and get distracted by that. I thought of my brother, who did poorly the first time he took the GREs, and then took a class for them, took the GREs again, and did worse. I was despairing. Lastly, they give you an experimental section that doesn't count. They tell you if you do well on it you have the possibility of earning $250. I was in a bad mood and thought I wouldn't take it, but the sectional was verbal and I thought I would try. Also, it was a nice tactic to avoid seeing my abysmal scores.

Finally, the moment of truth came. I knew I would have the options of canceling my scores, but if I did that I would never know what I got and everyone would know that I had canceled them, and I would be out $140. I ever so briefly considered canceling them, but knew it was stupid to do so. I bit the bullet and submitted my scores. Verbal: 680! Math 540! Now I know many of you may be aghast at such a low Math score, but that actually one of my better scores, and I really doubt if any of the journalism schools I apply to are going to reject me because I don't know what one third to the negative second power is. So that score is adequate. A 680 on Verbal is clutch and AMAZING considering I thought I had done so poorly. 690 was the best I ever did on a practice quiz and every other score was much lower than that. I keep thinking I read it incorrectly. I guess we'll see when I get the results in the mail. Sooooo happy to not have to stress about learning math anymore!! I already threw out my study book.

Did Palin hit it out of the park? You Betcha

2008-10-21T00:40:00.000-04:00

More so than Big Papi did at least. I just want to say a solemn prayer for the Sox this season. Ya done good kids, and I still love ya.

So I missed the live airing of Saturday Night Live this weekend so that we could watch two boring innings of the Sox wining game 6 of the ACLS. Even though the Sox fans who refused to change the channel for 3 minutes to see Palin do the opening sketch were outnumbered by people interested in seeing Palin, they were obnoxious and vocal enough to leave the channel unchanged at a party we went to.

Regardless, I stumbled in around 3:00 in morn to catch some Palin/Fey/Poehler action on Hulu.com, one of my favorite website. Like many Americans I've been equally charmed and repulsed by the creature that is Sarah Palin and also like many Americans, I've been obsessed with Tina Fey's portrayals of the GOP VP Nominee (given the rhyming amazingness of this phrase, how did I not guess they were going to do a rap?)

While you all may boo me, I went to bed with a newfound respect for Mrs. Palin. It takes a lot of courage to go into the lion's den - 30 Rock - bastion of the "liberal media elite" to face down your dopellganger with a smile. It found it interesting that Fey and Palin shared only a split second of screen time as they quickly passed each other during a mock press conference. Perhaps this was one stipulation of the McCain campaign, although I find it equally bizarre that Palin and Alec Baldwin shared over a minute of awkward screen time (Baldwins wins worst cameo of the night with a telepromptered-in performance).

To me, Palin seemed comfortable, for the most part. Its got to be weird for ANYONE to do a live sketch with Lorn Michaels, Marky Mark and Alec Baldwin, let alone let alone someone who must've known a least 2 out of the 3 of those people were certainly NOT voting for her, to put it mildly (I heard Michaels has donated money to McCain). While in the opening sketch Palin survived, in the Weekend Update "Palin Rap," she shone like a star. In my view Palin looked beautiful, projected confidence, spoke well, and gosh darn it if she didn't raise the roof as well as any urban types out there, I'll eat my foot. The rap was almost mesmerizing to watch. Seeing her groove in synch with Seth Myers while Poehler rapped "shoot a mother-humping moose eight days of a week" was one of the most surreal things I've seen in a while. And I truly give mad props to a lady who can throw their hands up to "all the mavericks in the house put your hands up." She truly was the definition of being a good sport. P.S. Check out how gay Todd Palin looks during the sketch. Brilliants.

While I think overall Palin improved her image overall due to the performance, I think its far too little too late, and I find it was kind of sad that she let Baldwin call her "that horrible woman" basically to her face. I guess it was soft of touche for McCain's "that one" during the debate. Still, my fascination with the VP nominee was reinvigorated by the SNL skits and somehow she has managed continue charming me. Even though she stands against pretty much everything I believe in, there is really no way I can find to hate her and a secret part of me even likes her! I suppose this is what McCain saw in her in the first place.

As Alessandra Stanley suggested in the New York Times, I find it highly feasible should Palin lose the election (please God oh please) she could pull a reverse Ronald Regan and turn her newfound celebrity wattage towards entertainment or television journalism, should she so desire. She's already got a signature sign-off, which, like everything else about her, I find oddly endearing, so much so that I'm going to use it now:

Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Columbus day in Columbus!

2008-10-13T22:03:00.000-04:00

Well, I GOT IT!!! Oh my God, Jane, you can't use that, that was a crazy person.
-Valerie Cherish (Lisa Kudrow) from the Comeback - GREAT series! If you've never seen it, stop reading this right now and go add it to your netflix queue. I'll be here when you get back.

Nothing like a random quote to start a blog entry I say. I thought of that because I really wanted to start the blog this way: Well, I DID IT! I spent Columbus day in Columbus, Ohio. Or, really, I drove within 10 minutes of it on one of those beltways that circle alot of bigger cities, like 495 in Boston or Washington, you know? Close enough though - and I'm definitely checking it off my list.

Even though my weekend wasn't QUITE as ridiculous as that, it was pretty bizarre in that Rick and I drove 11 hours each way to Cincinnati and back to visit our friends Joe and Michelle. You can see a picture of us here:
Michelle was Rick's best woman at his wedding and is probably his best friend ever, and they are a very fun couple. It was a weekend of firsts for me: My first time to Cincinnati, my first time to Kentucky, my first time playing guitar hero, and my first time to a carpeted gay club!

Traffic leaving NYC was horrendous, and after several arguments, an exploded 18 wheeler, and many hours of CNN on the radio, we rolled up into Cincinasty at 6:30 in the morning. They live in a nice, suburban part of town and live upstairs in a cute duplex, but they are moving across the river to Kentucky next week so all their shit was everywhere. Everyone is our group likes to play games, so thats pretty much all we did, all weekend, which was pretty awesome. Pass the Pigs (I dominated), Hearts, Guitar Hero, Aquadukt, Tripoley, Mario Kart (pwned), Super Smash Bros. and Pitch were the order of the day. As usual tempers flared and moods were altered depending on who was winning what, and several total meltdowns were narrowly avoided - one by me having to go up to my room to cool down for half an hour after watching Rick win hearts - AGAIN. I will have to dedicate an entire entry regarding Guitar Hero but suffice to say, I enjoy and I regret any negative thing I've ever said about it.

Rick and and Kippy went and played tennis in this beautiful park that overlooked Cincinnati and the Ohio River during the day. There were three spectacularly bad pictures of Rick and I taken, and one amazing one of Rick and Kipper. As you can tell - Kipper had a GREAT time and it really made me want to move somewhere where we can have a bigger space and easier access to parks because he loves running around and exploring so much.
At night, Rick and I declared we wanted to check out the Ohio/Kentucky nightlife and Joe and Michelle obliged. Shockingly, they hadn't been out to any gay bars in the area, but we got on good advice that Adonis was the place to go for all things Gey. As the drive to get there went on and on and the neighborhood became increasingly sketchy, my sense of nervousness and giddiness rose in equal measures. We literally drove for 15 minutes outside the city and finally happened upon what looked like a converted motel. Behold, Adonis, the nightclub:
If you can see Rick's face in the picture, thats pretty much how the rest of the night went. The place was actually very nice, unusually large, and clean, and showed entertaining music videos on lots of screens. They had a pool room and an actual pool that made me think the place would probably be a shit load of fun to come during a summer afternoon and get shitfaced at the pool. After a couple drinks and a couple rounds of pool we went home early because we were still kinda out of whack from driving through the night. The place did seem to be filling up and there were a few cuties there so overall, I was actually impressed with the Cincinnati scene.

We got up at 6:30 this morning to head back to NYC and the drive today was much more pleasant than the way. For one, we hadn't both worked that day and two we got to see some beautiful foliage and rolling hills in the sun. Kippy didn't like the ride back very much though; he got car sick and threw up all over himself. Poor Kippy! He had a good weekend overall though. On a final note, I find it amusing and random that I was in West Virginia today so I took a pic of the welcome sign:
It actually was really pretty during the half hour we were in the state. WV always gets a bad rap as being super hill-billy-ish but then I always remember it separated from Virginia because they didn't want slave anymore so, right on West Virginia, you rock. I'm out.

Time to buy guns and head up to the Berkshires?

2008-10-07T17:33:00.000-04:00

Ok, is it just me or is this financial crisis scaring the living shit out of anyone else, huh? I've been totally obsessed with watching the Dow online for the past week. Every time I open CNN.com I pray that there isn't some new headline about how how the Dow just dropped by like 5,000 points and how 8 new banks just went, well BANKrupt.

Being a moderately privileged kid, my parents and grandparents put a modest amount of money away in stocks for me for when I should want to go to back to school, buy a house, travel the world, buy a pinball machine, etc. and its been nice knowing its there, but I haven't really cared too much about it. However, now the stock market has gone down by something like 20% in the past week, I have to consider pulling my money and just putting it in my bank account. Every day I think the market is going to turn back up, and every day it plunges even farther. I really don't know what to do, and I get the feeling no one else has any fucking idea what to do either.

I'm also worried for my parents. This is happening to them at a really shitty time. They are planning on retiring in about a year. I thought it was bad enough that that housing market was tanking given that they plan to sell their house in Lexington in about a year, but now I'm sure they have lost maybe even hundreds of thousands of dollars. I just imagine everyones retirement funds, college funds, and nest eggs shrinking so much and it makes me sad.

More than that, I worry how much more the system can take before there is a collapse of the world economy. It seems every bank failure bring about another failure I feel like eventually the dominos falling are going to reach an unstoppable velocity. Yesterday I looked on CNN and the headline was "Stock Market Plunges Below 10,000 points" in big PANIC SIZED WORDS and I thought it meant the market had fallen BY 10,000 and I thought it was the end of the world, that chaos and violence would soon reign. Really, my stomach dropped and it made me feel sick. . .is anyone else having this terrible anxiety?

So all this shit is making me stress about my money, my family's money, and the world's money. Its not a fun time. At least I have the Red Sox and Gossip Girl. Ah Jacoby and Blair, you help Mama through the hard times, you do, you do. . .

Last Day of Sunlight in our apartment?

2008-10-07T10:38:00.000-04:00

Or: Girders of Death Rise over our World

Like zoinks! The end is nigh! Ever since they started constructing this enormous building directly behind our apartment, I've been living in fear of the day the new construction would top us like the little nelly bitch apartment building we are and leave us in perpetual darkness. This new building has been one of the most henious aspects of moving into our newest hood: jackhammers, dust and darkness oh my! They have been building slowly but just yesterday they put up the girders that will support the floor that will block all of our southern exposure (not that it was abundant in the first place). Such is the price of "progress" I suppose. . .maybe there will be some hot construction worker I can spy on from eye level now, although they all seem to be unattractive Mexicans. . .well, a boy can hope. So here's to natural sunlight, I will miss thee.

Our kitchen window with ominous girders rising outside
How high will they go? Only the shadow knows. . .

My baby got a boo-boo

2008-09-25T02:23:00.000-04:00

So last night started of benignly enough, with a nap, a quick dinner, and the kettle set on the stove in preparation for a enjoyable night of watching Kim Kardashian shake her other-worldly ass on Dancing With the Stars. Rick went out to take Kippy for his evening walk, but several moments later I hear him come back in.

"Jon. . ." he groans, which he almost never calls me, "come help me. . ." I'm not sure I've ever heard Rick utter those words, much less in the helpless, scared tone that he did. My spider-sense was going off the charts and I immediately thought Kippy was injured - my mind began flashing through all the horrible fates that could have befallen him. Was he hit by a car? Did another dog attack him on the street? There was hardly time for any of that as Rick has left maybe only a minute before.

I dash in from the kitchen to find Rick lying in the entryway, wincing, a stream of blood pooling on the ground by his feet.

"Oh my god!" I said, "what happened?!"
"I fell down the stairs" he groaned, "I'm hurt"

Again my mind was racing at light speed fearing the worst. Had he broken any bones? How bad was his laceration he obviously had suffered as well? Moments directly after an injury are fascinating, both as a victim and suspect. My brain tries to take in all the evidence at once and shoots into the future showing me every possible outcome. During the very first seconds, all the terrible injuries I've know people to suffer from "falling down the stairs" jump at me - is he paralyzed? Has he broken dozens of bones? Certainly the fact that he's on the floor and calling for help are not good signs. Neither was the rapidly growing pool of blood.

"Oh man," I stammered. "Where are you bleeding from?"
"My foot."
"Did you break anything?"
"No, just my foot. I don't know. It slid into the banister."

I ran and grabbed some toilet paper and took a good look by his toes, and it did not look good, but at least he hadn't broken anything, or hit is head or sustained any other major injuries. Still we had no idea how bad the cut was and the blood kept coming. We got him to the bathtub and he rinsed the cut out and examined the wound which was between his 3rd and 4th toe. He had badly scrapped up the top of his 3rd toe too. Rick briefly pulled the toes apart to gauge the extent of the wound and we both saw a deep, sinewy, nasty laceration. "I have to go to the hospital" Rick promptly declared. So much for Kim Kardashian's ass. . .

Alarmed by the deepness of the cut and still in pseudo-panic mode, I scurried around the apartment gathering things for the hospital, while Kippy licked up Rick's blood of the floor. Nice. Rick discovered he could walk slowly so we decided to just go to the car service place on our corner. On the way down we walked by a trail of blood leading down to the second floor staircase, where Rick had abandoned his flip-flop. Any neighbors coming up would have assumed we had murdered someone and dragged him into our apartment. Turns out that Kipper went behind Rick and wrapped his leach around him and took Rick's legs out from under him. His feet flew out and jammed into a semi-sharp railing that caused the cut. He called for me from the staircase but realized I couldn't hear, so he then crawled up to our apartment.

We got a car quickly and soon arrived at the oasis that is Long Island College Hospital for Rick's first ever visit to an ER. In the end, it wasn't a disaster, and it wasn't a pleasant hospital experience either. We waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room before we got a bed in the ER. After about 20 minutes there, and not even seeing a doctor, we began joking about how the patients would have to start treating each other, like students grading each other's tests. "Everyone to the right. . ." Soon, however, the adenaline wore off, and the vast boredom and misery of the hospital began to swallow us up and the two of shared a cramped gurney. At least the bleeding had subsided and Rick wasn't in too much pain.

After two and a half hours, at about 1:30 AM a wonderful black female doctor came to examine Rick. She quickly proclaimed it was the most awkward cut she had ever seen and asked if she could just cut off one of his other toes so she could sew it up properly. I was an eager spectator and enjoyed watching her stick her huge novacaine needle directly into the wound. As she cleaned it I got a really good view of the wound and was amazed at how deep deep crimson the deepest part of the cut was - it was pure, fleshy sinew. There were other minor dramas going on around us to keep me entertained as well: a jewish girl next to us with a mysteriously swelling leg, an elderly crack head lady who abruptly decided it was time to go home, and a gangbanger type who was lead in in handcuffs.

We finally got home around 3:00 in the morning and went straight to bed, even though the apartment was a disaster and it looked like someone had been murdered in the bathtub. Turns out Kim wasn't kicked off of Dancing with the Stars, so I'll get my chance to watch her next week, as long as Rick doesn't fall down the stairs again.

The homos come marching out!

2008-09-24T16:51:00.000-04:00

Hooray and Wow! I haven't been as giddy to be a homosexual since evangelical leader Ted Haggard was caught with a gay hooker and crystal meth pipe stuck up his ass! Two MAJOR stars have come out of closet and I am so very happy for them. There was no dearth of rumors swirling around both Clay Aiken and Lindsay Lohan. Clay for one had been spotted and on several gay hook-up sites and several rags have featured interviews with his lovers. Also, gosmongers have been loudly whispering about the relationship between glama-lesbo L. Lo and her androgynous gal pal DJ Samantha Ronson. I'm just so happy and pleased for both of these people and I know first hand the relief AND FUN that both of these kids must be having. While I admit that I've always found Clay pretty creepy and still do, well at least he's a "being-honest-with-himself" kinda creepy. As for LesLo, its seems like she's cleaned up act ever since she's been hanging with Ronson - perhaps all her hard partying ways were in response to the stress of being in the closet. Also the extreme beauty of La Lohan makes up for the creepy and pseudo-ugliness of Aiken, so its a +10 points overall.

Memoirs of a Geisha: my 5th grade review

2008-09-21T17:49:00.000-04:00

At one point, Memoirs of a Geisha obtained a DiVinci Code type status in the American mindset. Everywhere you went, you saw people's noses buried behind the cover. Your co-worker was reading it; your mom just finished it, your friend's girlfriend kept talking about how she wanted to read it. Then the Rob Marshall movie came and went, remembered most for its splashy visuals and yawn-inducing story. I thought after the movie past and I never read the book, I never would, but it turns out it is one of Rick's favorite books and at his behest, I finally read it.

I always had a passing interest in the subject, but it seemed like it would be heavy and plodding: I expected to be confronted with self sacrificing women being constantly repressed, raped, and abused. I expected long, tortuously passages describing gorgeous scenery in Japan contrasted with a sadness and reservedness that the Japanese are so known for. However, Memoirs of a Geisha turned out to be mainly a beautiful soap opera set in Japan, complete with lustful encounters, catty exchanges, backstabbing, and opulent locales.

The novel is definitely a book you can tear through and the writing is nice and easy. The story follows a Japanese peasant girl born into a sickly family in a dreary fishing village who eventually becomes one of the most prominent geisha in all of Japan. The novel's greatest strength is in emersing you into geisha culture of Gion, the most famous geisha district in all of Japan. I found learning about the symbiotic workings of the okiyas (living compounds of the geishas), teahouses, geisha schools, and customers fascinating. While the society reminded me of the old school Hollywood Studio System in which the studios basically owned the stars, geisha culture is really a unique and foreign system that does not neatly translate into anything us Americans are familiar with.

Descriptions of how the girls are picked, trained, the rituals they go through, and the day to day life of the entertaining they do is fantastic. You feel like you are the lucky recipient of century old secrets, which in a way you are. What I found most entertaining is the way the geisha's compete with each other to become the most well known, highest paid entertainers in the land.

Sayuki, the main protagonist, is likable enough, but complains relentlessly and pines away for this one guy through the entirety of the book. The most interesting conflict is between Sayuki and her older okiya-mate Hatsumomo, who is widely renouned as the most beautiful geisha in all Japan, but who is cruel and hateful towards Sayuki who eventually grows to become her rival. However, at some point Hatumomo makes her exit, and I found my interest wanning and the story seemed to drag a bit and lose it narrative steam.

In conclusion, MoaG is a good, light read, and you will definitely learn a lot about Japan and geisha culture. There is ample drama and sensationalism to keep you satisfied for a good while, but the book finishes on a whimper.

My poor Tommy

2008-09-15T08:31:00.000-04:00

There is a certain part of my brain that doesn't seem to know I'm gay. This part of my brain also likes football. There is a part of my brain that definitely knows I'm gay. This part of my brain loves Tom Brady. I'm mean just look at this guy.He's effing hot. I mean this guy would be hot if he played a jock in a Falcon flick, but he actually is a jock, and one of the most successful and respected jocks at that. Ok, ok. He's been a little bit tooly from time to time, which the whole Bridget Moynahan baby daddy drama, and the fact he seems to like hanging out with Giselle in New York rather than Beantown, but really all is forgivable for this guy. I feel a surge of confidence and pleasure every time Tommy takes the field because almost without fail he gets the job done.

Tom and the Pats have been very important to my life. I've been a fan since the 2000, the year before their storybook season went Bledsoe went down and this little known kid from California bravely stepped in and led them to their first Superbowl championship. This was also the year that I came out and I vividly remember watching the "Snowbowl" divisional playoff game against the Oakland Raiders with my father the night I came out to my parents. We walked in silence through the driving snow and together watched one of the most exciting football games that have ever been played. I think the experience actually helped my Dad get through that first night. I can imagine him thinking "well, we still likes football, so it can't be all bad. . ."

Since then, Brady has lead the Pats to 3 Superbowl Championships. With Brady at the helm, Bill Belichick had created one of the most dominant and feared teams in NFL history. All that came to a screeching halt last Sunday when Kansas City safety Bernard Polard tore into Brady's left knee, sidelining him for the rest of the season. Well, I feel terrible for Tommy. It must be hard to not be able to do what you do best. It must be hard to sit back and have to watch while someone else does your job. Tommy if your out there and are ever feeling down or need somewhere to convalesce, my services, and apartment, are open. Somehow I feel he might prefer Giselle as his Florence Nightingale.

And so we have Matt Cassel, the new Pats QB, who comes to us in a very similar manner as Brady. Cassel has big shoes to fill. While he in no way compares to the beauty of Brady, Cassel's got his own boy next door California charm, and so far he has done a bang up job leading the Pats to a 2-0 start, and competing with a NFL vet like Brett Farve. Keep it up Cassel! You'll never replace Brady, but if you can lead this team to another Superbowl, I just might start to imagine you in Falcon's next locker room scene.

I got an Xbox 361

2008-09-12T01:15:00.000-04:00

Yeah thats right! Its one degree better than yours. Score!

And now for a lovely little picture. . .

That'll do. It looks exactly like that except I keep mine on its side, cuase its lazy like me. Anyway, I finally broke down and got a 360. I've been talking about it for probably 2 years now and I thought I'd save Rick the pain of me suggest to him that he get it for me every birthday, xmas, 4th of July, gay pride week, etc. Actually what did it was the latest issue of game informer came featured tons of new games from this years E3 and I decided that enough was enough. I mean Resident Evil 4? C'mon, who doesn't want to blow the heads of zombified African villagers? I hope that didn't sound racist. I mean, I'm not racist, I'm just stereotypically white (sorry, random ANTM reference). I got it off Craigslist, which is always an experience in and of itself. I have actually been trolling the Xbox market on craigslist for months now, and I always found it odd that the best deals were in Carnasie or Avenue U or some other random place I've never been. Ok, that definitely sounded racist, I think? Sorry. But my fears are legitimate. I read about these guys who would go to buy iPhones on some random corner in Bed-Stuy and they would be held up at gun point. So yeah. Plus, as mentioned earlier, I'm lazy and so I decided that the deal would have to go down in my neighborhood or have it delivered to me. Plus I fear the red rings of death which any Xbox owner worth his achievement points prays against every night. I mean whats going to stop some dude from handing me some broken Xbox? I certainly would never have the balls to demand my money back. As you can see I had a lot of requirements and basically assumed that every deal would end with mean leaking blood out of my head. Stressful. So, I found this ad for this guys selling it for $240, and I told him I'd pay him $20 bucks more for him to deliver it and I made it clear that I would require him to plug it in and prove it worked before I paid. He was totally cool with that, which made me suspicious, but just as planned he came over after work, hooked it up, we made the transaction and that was that!

He only had NBA2K8 which I will be trading in quickly. I downloaded Castle Crashers which is like Smurfs meet Golden Axe, with a little bit more deapth, and Rick and I just beat it tonight. I have to admit it got a little tedious, but it was good for a laugh and had a good amount of charm. I just wish I had picked a different knight; I chose green, who uses bio-poison type magic - never my favorite, as I feel its just kinda a pussy magic, you know? Like, poison, are you kidding me? What are we going to cast a spell and then dance around and avoid attacks for like 10 minutes while our opponent slowly wastes away? Lets just scorch them with a giant fucking Fire3 and get it over with!

Speaking of bio-ness, I got Bioshock via GameFly yesterday, and I've logged about 2 hours. It features an underwater dystopian city set in the 1950's. Swell. More on that later. But first, one more pretty picture.

Smoking that Salvia

2008-09-09T23:26:00.001-04:00

So today the New York Times came out with an article on salvia use in America and it was really eye opening. I had never even heard of this drug before, and I used to think of myself as a pretty well informed druggie. Those days are long gone. The Times article mentioned the proliferation of YouTube videos of kids using salvia (which is smoked out of pipes and bongs much like weed) and immediately I jumped on to watch. The videos range from teenage girls giggling their asses off to freaked out college dudes stumbling around looking like zombies.

Now back in the day, this would have been right up my alley. I'd be on one of those websites ordering that stuff from some hippie up in New Hampshire and trying to convince all the girls to do it. Kasim and I would sit around and have a ridiculous time with it together. But those days are gone. I'd say from around the time I smoked my first joint back with Kasim, to the night I tripped on Robotussin (aka the worst night of my life) I was a pretty hard core druggie. I was fearless. Lets tick of the list: pot, booze (together for pleasure!), e, mushrooms, vicadin, coke, and acid. I was a pretty heavy pot smoker during my senior year of highschool and during Freshman year of college, and really only dabbled in the harder stuff. My nightmare episode with robotripping for the most part ended my love affair with drugs. Now, I'm older, wiser, and usually much more sober (except for that time in New Hope). Still, I think I still have that experimenter's spirit should the situation present itself (i.e. without Rick). As long as I feel comfortable, I would consider doing most drugs, its just not something I seek out on my own.

Even though most of these kids end up looking like they've been on an intense multiple week bender after about 10 seconds, I have to admit I'm intrigued. I watched one video of several highschool girls sitting around in a sunny, wooded area, smoking salvia and butts, and in an almost grotesque way, the video made me nostalgic for times past. Its true that when I used to do drugs alot, I felt cool, I felt bad ass, and I KNEW I was having more fun than all the straightedged kids. Now I mainly see it as a waste of money and time, but I still say that people have the right to put anything into their bodies that they want, as long as they are not a danger to themselves or others.

I used to feel so comfortable losing complete control of myself and seeing where my brain takes me, but now, its often more scary than redoubtable. Maybe sometime with Laura or something. So yeah? What was I saying? Can you pass the bong?

Nonie

2008-09-03T00:20:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday, approximately one week after her 99th birthday, my grandmother Nonie passed away. Nonie, which is an affectionate term for grandmother in Italian, was a wonderful woman and I will miss her. I remember Nonie at her most vibrant when my family would go down to Margate, NJ every summer and stay at her house one block from the beach. I always remember the weather being perfect, not a cloud in the sky, and somehow, exotic. Its strange to think of now, given my very New York-centric view of New Jersey of some type of sub-urban hellhole, but just about everything about Nonie's house and town seemed so exciting and different. We would drive across the salt marsh inlet and breath in the noisome air, so toxic smelling yet still natural and a harbinger that the eternal seeming drive was about to end. She lived in large Spanish style house one block from the ocean, and the air was always heavy and sticky with sea air. The grand entrance was stunning; red carpet running up an open staircase and into a balcony that overlooked the room. We often used the side entrance to Nonie's kitchen, (where she would hide my butterscotch pastries above the pea green fridge)and the stony walk up to her door always seemed to be baking in the sun and filled with the most wonderful floral aromas. I remember so distinctly that house, walking into the kitchen, passing through her office area (where she kept several letter openers and a bubble infused paperweight) and into the red living room. Nonie would be on my right, sitting in her chair, watching television or directing affairs from that throne. She was always kind but firm, with a quick wit that I didn't understand until much later, and she was one you never wanted to cross. Still she was always loving and happy and always had kind words for me, if I was behaving. The living room was the most used room in the house, and another of my most vivid memories was ordering HUGE subs from some sandwich shop in Margate, and the loving the excitement of unpacking each sub, figuring out who ordered what and chowing down.

I would often sleep in Nonie's gigantic king bed and I would sometimes toss and turn, uncomfortable and excited in my new surroundings. Car headlights would sometimes splash up against her bedroom wall and the fade off into the night, and eventually I would drift off to sleep, no doubt dreaming about the beach. In the mornings, afternoons, or really anytime, we would head down to the beach. It was less than five minute walk, past perhaps 10 houses,the blue and white beach club on the left where you could get umbrella and beach chairs and onto the scorching sand. There never seemed to be a storm in sight, and although Nonie was too old even then to make her way down to the beach, I knew she was happy just knowing her children and grandchildren were enjoying it. At night, we would head to the boardwalk in Atlantic City, and here I was presented with a whole other set of sights and wonders. The salt water taffy! The lights! The hot dogs! The rocking boat that made you feel like you were about to fall out of it, and the dark ocean surrounding it all. There were too many diversions to sample in one night, but would always make sure to bring some fudge back for Nonie.

One time Nonie gave me my first real shock of independence. It was just me and her hanging out in her African art festooned living room when she called me over out of the blue.
"Here's five dollars," she said. "Go down to the store and get youself something." I was maybe 7 or 8 years old and five dollars then felt like I had just won the lottery. Crossing the road by myself was something I dreamt about in nightmares. I was shocked and impressed that Nonie trusted me to complete this task all myself. But there was my mission laid out to me, and knowing she trusted me gave me strength and self confidence.

Finally, Nonie grew too old to take care of herself down in Margate and my parents decided to bring her up to Lexington where they could be closer to her. They found her a nice condo 15 minutes away from our house and hired nurses and caregivers to take care of her. We would have her over to dinner almost every weekend, and when I got my drivers license, I took pride in my task of going over to pick up Nonie. When I came home from school for winter break, I would sometimes go over to Nonie's just for a chat. Her sharp wit was hilarious and at a time when I was very stressed about who I was and what I was going to do with my life, these chats with Nonie were a pleasure. She never had any criticism, just words of encouragement and advice. I knew that she always enjoyed my surprise visits, I'm not sure she ever knew that I enjoyed them as much as she did.

As Nonie grew older still, it became harder for her to move, she never got any exercise, and after a few falls, my parents decided that it was time to move her to an assisted living facility. I would stories about Nonie, how she would sometimes see things that weren't there, how she would forget who my mother and my aunts were, and how she would sometimes be mean to her aides. But I also heard about how she kept her sharp wit, and would come out with a pointed comment at just the right time. Just over a month ago, I was in Boston with Rick for a tennis tournament there. My mother encouraged me to go see Nonie at some point and even though I wanted to, I was scared to, and we didn't have too much time and the truth is I forgot before Rick and I left for Provincetown. On our way back we had some extra time and I decided to visit her. We walked into the upper ward and I spotted her from the back, sitting by herself. I walked around her and sat in front of her and although she looked similar, she was missing several teeth and her eyes were cloudy. I was afraid she wouldn't recognize me. "Hi Nonie!" I yelled, "It's Jonathan, your grandson!" "Jonathan!" she replied, "what are you doing here?!" It was the same old Nonie, the same excitement to see one of her grandchildren. We talked and chatted and I introduced Rick, and told her he was a teacher. "You better watch out for this one," she said about me. And later, to me "you better hang on to this one." And somehow, I knew she knew. And I knew she didn't care and that she loved me. I knew she enjoyed my visit tremendously. I hopes she knows I enjoyed it just as much as she did.

Nonie died about a month after I went to visit her, and I'm so grateful I got to see her one last time. I'm sorry I was too young to miss her younger, more vibrant years, but I know she carried that same spirit with until until the very end. I will remember her always, and miss her deeply.

Palin the hypocrite

2008-09-01T22:27:00.000-04:00

Wow! This election has been a little bit O.O.C as Mariah Carrey would say (she stole it from me!) and this "Palin's daughter is pregnant" is pure insanity and once again proves again how complicated politics is.

The whole thing really makes me sick. So here's the deal - Sarah Palin, the 2 year governer of Alaska and Republican vice-presidential nominee, has a 17 year old daughter who got knocked up. And no folks, she ain't married. Now instead of denouncing her as a hypocrite, a bad mother, and someone who is unfit to run for the second highest position in the US government, the Christian right is rallying around her, PRAISING her to heaven for the support she is showing her daughter and lauder the daughter's decision to keep the child. One of the Republican reps tonight called her a hero on Larry King and I wanted to barf all over her. What really just makes me irate is the scorn and moral highground these evangelical assholes claim to stand on, even though they are just they same as everyone else! Palin and all these other fuck-holes preach abstinence, yet not one of them spoke of the irresponsibility of the daughter, or the mother for not keeping better tabs or TEACHING HER ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL. No no no! This baby is a blessing and this family loves each other and supports life! Praise Jesus! Oh and all you homosexuals? You're doomed to hell. It kind of makes me feel icky when I think about butt sex so I'm going to deny you the right to marry. Yeah, we've got to DEFEND marriage from you guys!! We've got to keep it nice and clean so that immature, irresponsible kids can get married when they have a baby. After all, how are they going to get divorced 2 years later and totally fuck up the kids childhood if they don't get married. Yeah, gotta ammend that constitution. What a good day. Now I'm just going to go smoke some crystal meth, hire a gay hooker and call it a day. Amen.

Ok, so those are some harsh words. Having been a teenager myself relatively recently and having wonderful parents, I would hate that they be held responsible for some of ghastly crimes I committed. I was a bad kid for a while there, and my parents had nothing to do with it. So I don't blame Palin. But it truly makes to almost sick thinking how terrible this baby is going to make this girl's life. She probably doesn't love the guy. Now she's forced to marry him. She's still in highschool and has no job training. Now, I'm sure this family is going to be very well taken care of, and she's very lucky, but she does not now have the luxury of taking her time to discover what she really wants to do with her life. Its all just sad sad sad. . .or happy happy happy if you ask the Republicans. Go figure.

New Hope Open 2008

2008-08-27T00:41:00.000-04:00

So I just got back from playing the New Hope Open 2008. This tournament marks one year of being on the big gay homosexual tennis tournament. However, I didn't bring home a trophy this year, but I still feel proud of my accomplishments. I've moved up an entire division in one year, and while D to C is probably the easiest jump, its still a nice accomplishment. I was THIS close too to beating my first found opponent, and even though SHE was an elderly woman with a knee brace, she was good! I take pride in winning my first C consolation match (against my doubles partner Andy Sulvalsky) and I take pride in probably be the most entertaining guy at the banquet Sunday night (more on that later)

I love New Hope! What a fantastic place. I'm glad I got to see much more of the town this year, unlike last year where I really only drove through once and went to the Raven for the banquet(thats what happens when you win!). The town is really really cute and reminds me of Ptown a little bit with the throngs of tourists, hip restaurants, and groovy stores, but just a river rather than the ocean. There was all kinds of drama and goss going on all weekend its hard to remember it all. I had a great time hanging out with my hot tranny mess of a friend JP - I actually spent alot of my time driving back and forth between the two tennis sites and the hotel and JP was a constant amusement. Of course he had some sketchy hook up story on Sunday night and it was fun to be able to play him in the second round of consolations. I'll have to beat him next time! It was also fun hanging out with Paul one on one - we were some of the only New Yorkers in C, so I got to spend a bunch of time with him - we got sort of "lost" driving around these beautiful country roads of New Hope, smoking Tod's cigarettes and chatting. It was nice to hang with him away from the group and I feel like I know him a bit better now.

Dinner on Saturday night was kind of a disaster. I was a bit tired, and didn't really feel like going to an extravegant dinner downtown (which is very unlike me), especially in a big group. However that what all 12 of us ended up doing, and some of us had been drinking at the pool the entire afternoon and were already drunk before we arrived. We ended up at this really cool restaurant called the Mansion Inn and got our own room. I said fuck it and started ordering $10 cocktails and the evening turned out fun, especially after some Family Feud action. Things got a bit ugly when the bill came though, and not just because had to drop $78 per person - (plus $20 parking per car) Paul's friend Diana noticed that they charged us more money for some wine that she didn't order. She mentioned it to the waitress, who got the owner, and they promptly got into an argument. Now, I'm all for pointing out mistakes at restaurants, but if the owner says no, I disagree, I would so much rather just pay what they say than get into a huge argument over it, especially if you are in a large group and its late and have to play tennis the next day! Also, we had been a very loud and disruptive group and were the last ones there - it turns out we didn't even get back to the hotel until after midnight.

After playing consolation with JP, I headed back to the other site and had a wonderful afternoon watching tennis outside and then getting to watch Rick and Momma's match sitting next to this hot guy from Philly whose boyfriend Rick was playing and Andy. It was a great match and they both played really well, but lost. My streak of Rick losing when I watch is intact. After that we went back to the hotel and Rick and I played a really fun set against Andy and Momma on the court at the Nevermore before showing and getting ready for the banquet. They had it outside by the pool and while the food was just alright, I started ordering these giant margaritas and damn, they hit the spot, again and again and again. I started getting really drunk, and dancing and singing along to the karaoke everyone was performing. During slower, more boring songs, I would do full turns on the dance floor a la Nastia Liuken and take fabulous pictures like this one of me, JP and my girl Jonny Jimenez. Suddenly things got really hazy and next thing I know, I am dancing with Danny, and we are doing spins and dips and all that and I feel myself falling and then crashing in to karaoke equipment and then me and said karaoke equipment smashing onto the floor. The music literally came to a screeching halt and I swore I heard a gasp from the crowd. I began apologizing profusely for it and offered to pay for whatever I damaged, but apparently nothing was broken. However I was still all tingle-tangled up in the wires and had to unthread myself while all of MTG watched. In the end it was pretty hilarious, but it was time to bid New Hope adieu once again, and Rick, Patrick and myself piled into his car back to good ole' NYC

Lady GaGa hits my G spot

2008-08-20T22:56:00.000-04:00

So before I get the exciting conclusion of my wedding weekend, I have to say a few words regarding my newest obsession, the one and only Lady Gaga. Miss Mary Mark and his boyfriend Matt tried me turn me on to this hot bitch several times, but I was unnerved and threw up in my mouth a little bit when they said she reminded them of Blossom.

While the bangs just scream Ms. Bialik, there aint much else going on here between the two. If you ask me, The Divine Ms. Gaga is more a mash up of Gwen Stefani, Madonna, and Cyndi Lauper, for our generation. She grew up in Manhattan and hung out with all the downtown Lower East Siders and you can tell. However instead of being a massive tool/poseur like most of those zombies that populate places like Fat Baby and Libation, Gaga just oozes real style and class, even when purring lyrics like "and were all getting hosed tonight." Her fantastic first single is called "Just Dance" and really, that all it makes you want to do. That, and find a way to become part of Gaga's entourage before she hits the statosphere. Herewith, my top 5 reasons why je adore Lady Gaga:

1. She carries a crystal scepter that lights up
2. She clearly likes a good party and to party (some lyrics in Just Dance include "I've had a little bit too much" "where are my keys? I've lost my phone" and "What's the name of this club? I can't remember but it's alright")
3. She got her breakthrough the hard way - busting her ass doing shows in nasty clubs and tirelessly self promoting herself
4. She has the fiercest fashion sense ever. She says when writing her songs she imagines what she'll be wearing when performing them. Plus her two iconic features - dramatic bangs and outrageous sunglasses are amazing
5. She's totally queer (bisexual) and has already played on Fire Island, The Miss Universe Pageant, and So You Think You Can Dance. How gay is that??
6. The first 13 seconds of her music video are the undeniable the most entertaining and unique piece of media I've seen this year.
7. She reminds me of everything I love about New York

I predict she will be a MAJOR player in the music and fashion scene. Her full album Fame drops in October. . .much more to come on this dame.

The Big Gay Wedding pt. 1

2008-08-19T19:22:00.001-04:00

So just over two weeks ago, I took one of the most important steps in my life and I got married. To a man. Yay Massachusetts! My new husband Rick Smetana and I got married at a beautiful English style manor named Mepal Manor in New Marlborough, MA. Getting married involves so many things, so many people, and so many emotions. Trying to stay true to my go-with-the-flow persona, I swore I would not get caught up in all the drama and stress but the truth is, its impossible not to. It would be stressful enough if Rick's parents and mine were meeting for the first time, or I had to host my cousin who I haven't seen in 20 years and her scary boyfriend who wears leather vests so everyone can see his double pieced nipples, or find housing for 20 friends WITHOUT all eyes being on me as I vow to spend the rest of my life with my beloved. But, it all went off with minimal hitches.

We arrived on Thursday day at Tunxis and spent some QT with Mom and Dad, had a nice meal and went over the plans for the final time. We had discussed everything ad naseum hundreds of times, but it was a bit weird to think this is it this ain't no rehearsal. Friday was spent preparing the housing, hauling tables, plates, glasses, etc. to our house for the reception, adding finishing touches to the rooms where guests would be staying, and basically biding our time until the first guests arrived. Rick and I were already pretty exhausted even after a nap by the time 6:30 rolled around, when we were due at the clubhouse for a pre-wedding dinner; that is us and all the Tunxis Club. Kasim and the Niles had arrived first, and we all chatted and had cocktails and finally went in for pizza. Rick was dissappointed because his family, who was driving from Wisconsin were due to arrive much later than expected and would probably be missing the dinner. However, soon Rick's aunt and uncle arrived and everything was pretty much a blur after that: introductions were punctuated by more arrivals, requests to the kitchen for more pizza, futile searches for more beer, and dozens of other hosting duties. By the time we left, we had grown to a group of at least 20 people, and we all headed back to the TRout House for more beer, wine and fun. The barrage of arrivals left me a bit overwhelmed, and I hung to Kasim for the night. Ron's beer flowed freely, and soon everyone was standing in the pitch black down by the horseshoe courts having a grand old time. Rick's family did not seem uncomfortable in the least and Bruce was a gregarious ambassador, deftly socializing with everyone and making everyone feel comfortable. Kasim and I put together and ill-conceived playlist after ABBA began to annoy everyone, and by the time "My Humps" came on, Sue, Rick's soon to be aunt-in-law and I got to booty bumping and hilarity ensued.

Staying over at Pretty Penny was clutch for the wedding. It is a beautiful guest house owned by Bob and Gloria Gery, and built so that you feel like you are floating above the lake. It allowed Rick and me to get away from all the craziness in a peaceful setting. I slept fitfully that night, as expected, and woke up around 6:00 to a gorgeous blue sky. After tossing and turning for a while, I fell back asleep and woke up to gray, overcast skies. No matter. It didn't look rainy and I wasn't going to stress. Rick and I got dressed in relative quiet and soon Reid and Martin appeared to take us to the Manor in their festooned Range Rover. They helped us finish dressing and when they turned on the car "Into the Nightlife" started pumping. The big gay wedding had officially begun!!

I had been very nervous leading up to the wedding thinking that I would be a sloppy mess with emotion during the ceremony. Often the sappiest movie scene can make me well up with overflowing raw emotion. Seriously, The Incredibles made me cry. Longtime Companion? Hot mess. My cousin's wedding? More of the same. Sara Wight's wedding? (who I consider a friend but do not know very well) super hot tranny mess who was not appologizing for it. So I was anticipating an event filled with such genuine, personal love with an equal mix of dread and curiosity as to how far off the deep end I would plunge. Would I be able to speak with during my vows? Would we have to take a break while I composed myself enough to continue? I was also worried that I someone would see me tear up, and I would set them off, and then they would compound my emotion. The domino effect of such a situation would be grave in such a homo-heavy environment. And what would Rick be like? While he is usually the model of disinterested logic rather than emotion, he had admitted to me that there was a possibility he would be emotional as well. If Rick was a mess, there was no hope for a non-sloppy wedding.

Bring Ya to the Brink was the first indication that I might be a mess. As Cyndi sang out "I'll take you till you're all spun up and in love. . ." I felt pressure behind my eyes and a tightness in my throat. I had to look away and pretend like I was enjoying the scenery so as give away the secret that I was crying at my happiness to getting gay married, prompted by a Cyndi Lauper song. I composed myself again and we arrived at the Manor. It was nice to see Sara and David already there, hard at work taking photos. We pulled up and the photo shoot began. Photos were being taken in front on the Manor, in front of the car, adjusting my tie, pouring some water, making a sandwich, taking a nap, etc.

I was nervous, mostly worried that I would become the aforementioned hot sloppy mess during my vows. I knew there were alot of crier in the audience: Arthur, my mother, and most straight women, and I knew if I caught a glimpse of them tearing up it could set me off, and to what extent? Would I have to get a hanky? We would have to take a break? I didn't want to ruin my own wedding. I poured myself several large glasses of water and took a moment to write my vows into my personal book, so I wouldn't have to read time from a computer print out, and so in writing them I would become more familiar with them myself. Slowly people began to arrive. My family, Rick's family, Jess, Elena, Joe and Michelle. More pictures! Smiles, suits and dresses.

The Lexington people arrived, with Ariel looking particularly gorgeous, and totally nervous about singing her song. I had asked Ariel to sing I'll take care of you by the Dixie Chicks a couple months back and thankfully she said it would be an honor for her to do so. I first fell in love with song during my initial Dixie Chicks obsession phase, and it made me cry hearing the love and devotion expressed in the song. It gets across the message that love and relationships are not always smiles and laughter, that often time there is grief and hardships and to me thats what love is: sticking by your partner when things are shitty. My favorite line, which is making me tear up right now is "and when you rise with crying eyes, then I'll take care of you."

So Ariel went off to practice the song a few times before the ceremony as more people started to arrive. The Skiddes came en mass which was really exciting. Laura had just flown in from Oregon and had driven up the morning of and she looked AMAZING in a purple shirt, and vest suit outfit and Meera, Dorothy and Matt and Mark all looked fab as well. Danny finally arrived and was a nervous nelly hot tranny mess, w hich was sort of hilarious and sort of unnerving. He was extremely nervous and we went as we gathered around to go over the ceremony he was asking everyone "are you nervous? Are you nervous? You're singing a song?? You must be SO nervous!!" The run through was sort of a mess and we kept changing which way Rick and I were going to walk down, but we got it mostly down. It was getting late now, past noon, and we were starting to feel a few drops of rain. The manager of the Manor kept coming up to me and telling me he'd like to get started, that he was worried the rain would start, and it was stressing me out. For one, the tennis boys had not arrived, which was ironic since they lived the closest to the spot. Secondly my Mom had just told me the Claude had to turn back to take care of a situation with the dogs. My Dad called me over and told me I needed to start the wedding now and I told him it was MY wedding and not everyone was here yet and I'll start it when I want to. We were on the verge of a wedding meltdown, but I said let's wait 5 more minutes and then we'll go no matter what. After a few minutes I began walking up to the starting place with my Mom and we see Charlie's car tearing up the driveway. So I felt better, because 95% of the people were there, and we were ready

Rick, his mother, my mother and I made final discussion as to which

directions we would walk. We took our mother's hands, and began. The ceremony was wonderful. I was almost trying to keep my mind OFF what was happening, because I was afraid I would lose it. Everyone read beautifully and Ariel sang so beautifully as I knew she would. Surprisingly I kept m y c omposure during song, mostly because I was watching Ariel singing it and not looking into Rick's eyes. Oh no! The vows were next - I was sweating but I got through them flawlessly, reading very slowly and precisely, and looking straight into Rick's eyes. Rick went next and his vows were wonderful as well. Later I heard from many many people that they were emotionally affected by the vows, including Jordanna who said she never cries at weddings, but at ours she did. Paul said that same thing. When exchanging the rings, my ring did not fit on my finger very well and Rick was too afraid to push it on. I wanted to tell him just to push and it'll slide on like we do in the bedroom, but thought it might be an inappropriate time. Finally we kissed, and Danny pronounced us married!

Let me introduce myself. . .

2008-08-19T17:26:00.000-04:00

Hey all,

Thought I'd try my hand at this so called internets blog business that all the kids are talking about these days. Lets jump right in with the proper introduction. My name is Jonathan Ross Balthaser. I grew up in suburban Boston (Lexington), attended Skidmore College in upstate New York, and I now live in Brooklyn, New York where I manage a high end furniture and lighting store on Hot-lantic Ave, better known as Atlantic Ave. for the uninitiated. I'm 26 years old. So yes, its true, I'm white, middle class and male. I know it sounds dreadfully dull, but here where it gets a little interesting - I'm a flaming homosexual. Because even this distinction elicts yawns from the non-christian fundamentalist masses these days, I got married (to a man) this summer and we now live is wedded bliss (usually) with our adorable dog Kipper. Whether I want to admit it or not, my decision to wed has ushered in a new phase of my life and behold, a blog is born to document it all. In this blog I intend to comment on, among other things: gay life, married life, my life obsessions, interests and pet peeves, board games, Provincetown, my dog, Brooklyn, my husband, sex, hot men, video games, wii, my desire for an xbox 360, tennis, horror movies, indie movies, and all other kinds of movies, guys I wanna do, guys who wanna do me, my evolving relationship with drugs, musings on how most entertainment is over-rated, my desire to write for Entertainment Weekly, my quest to get into Journalism Grad school, my job, poppers, Abba, Madonna, ways my husband annoys me, ways my husband makes me happy, Massachusetts, the Berkshires, New York City, my fear and the lure of moving to the country, my anxieties that the world is about to end, the saga of our apartment building and whether or not we are getting a fat payoff to move out early, porn, the Patriots and Tom Brady (see: hot men and guys I wanna do), my parents, my brother, my extremely gay family, my friends, Settlers of Catan, my sordid past, and hot tranny messes, among other things.

xoxo,