New Hope Open 2008

So I just got back from playing the New Hope Open 2008. This tournament marks one year of being on the big gay homosexual tennis tournament. However, I didn't bring home a trophy this year, but I still feel proud of my accomplishments. I've moved up an entire division in one year, and while D to C is probably the easiest jump, its still a nice accomplishment. I was THIS close too to beating my first found opponent, and even though SHE was an elderly woman with a knee brace, she was good! I take pride in winning my first C consolation match (against my doubles partner Andy Sulvalsky) and I take pride in probably be the most entertaining guy at the banquet Sunday night (more on that later)

I love New Hope! What a fantastic place. I'm glad I got to see much more of the town this year, unlike last year where I really only drove through once and went to the Raven for the banquet(thats what happens when you win!). The town is really really cute and reminds me of Ptown a little bit with the throngs of tourists, hip restaurants, and groovy stores, but just a river rather than the ocean. There was all kinds of drama and goss going on all weekend its hard to remember it all. I had a great time hanging out with my hot tranny mess of a friend JP - I actually spent alot of my time driving back and forth between the two tennis sites and the hotel and JP was a constant amusement. Of course he had some sketchy hook up story on Sunday night and it was fun to be able to play him in the second round of consolations. I'll have to beat him next time! It was also fun hanging out with Paul one on one - we were some of the only New Yorkers in C, so I got to spend a bunch of time with him - we got sort of "lost" driving around these beautiful country roads of New Hope, smoking Tod's cigarettes and chatting. It was nice to hang with him away from the group and I feel like I know him a bit better now.

Dinner on Saturday night was kind of a disaster. I was a bit tired, and didn't really feel like going to an extravegant dinner downtown (which is very unlike me), especially in a big group. However that what all 12 of us ended up doing, and some of us had been drinking at the pool the entire afternoon and were already drunk before we arrived. We ended up at this really cool restaurant called the Mansion Inn and got our own room. I said fuck it and started ordering $10 cocktails and the evening turned out fun, especially after some Family Feud action. Things got a bit ugly when the bill came though, and not just because had to drop $78 per person - (plus $20 parking per car) Paul's friend Diana noticed that they charged us more money for some wine that she didn't order. She mentioned it to the waitress, who got the owner, and they promptly got into an argument. Now, I'm all for pointing out mistakes at restaurants, but if the owner says no, I disagree, I would so much rather just pay what they say than get into a huge argument over it, especially if you are in a large group and its late and have to play tennis the next day! Also, we had been a very loud and disruptive group and were the last ones there - it turns out we didn't even get back to the hotel until after midnight.

After playing consolation with JP, I headed back to the other site and had a wonderful afternoon watching tennis outside and then getting to watch Rick and Momma's match sitting next to this hot guy from Philly whose boyfriend Rick was playing and Andy. It was a great match and they both played really well, but lost. My streak of Rick losing when I watch is intact. After that we went back to the hotel and Rick and I played a really fun set against Andy and Momma on the court at the Nevermore before showing and getting ready for the banquet. They had it outside by the pool and while the food was just alright, I started ordering these giant margaritas and damn, they hit the spot, again and again and again. I started getting really drunk, and dancing and singing along to the karaoke everyone was performing. During slower, more boring songs, I would do full turns on the dance floor a la Nastia Liuken and take fabulous pictures like this one of me, JP and my girl Jonny Jimenez. Suddenly things got really hazy and next thing I know, I am dancing with Danny, and we are doing spins and dips and all that and I feel myself falling and then crashing in to karaoke equipment and then me and said karaoke equipment smashing onto the floor. The music literally came to a screeching halt and I swore I heard a gasp from the crowd. I began apologizing profusely for it and offered to pay for whatever I damaged, but apparently nothing was broken. However I was still all tingle-tangled up in the wires and had to unthread myself while all of MTG watched. In the end it was pretty hilarious, but it was time to bid New Hope adieu once again, and Rick, Patrick and myself piled into his car back to good ole' NYC

Lady GaGa hits my G spot

So before I get the exciting conclusion of my wedding weekend, I have to say a few words regarding my newest obsession, the one and only Lady Gaga. Miss Mary Mark and his boyfriend Matt tried me turn me on to this hot bitch several times, but I was unnerved and threw up in my mouth a little bit when they said she reminded them of Blossom.















While the bangs just scream Ms. Bialik, there aint much else going on here between the two. If you ask me, The Divine Ms. Gaga is more a mash up of Gwen Stefani, Madonna, and Cyndi Lauper, for our generation. She grew up in Manhattan and hung out with all the downtown Lower East Siders and you can tell. However instead of being a massive tool/poseur like most of those zombies that populate places like Fat Baby and Libation, Gaga just oozes real style and class, even when purring lyrics like "and were all getting hosed tonight." Her fantastic first single is called "Just Dance" and really, that all it makes you want to do. That, and find a way to become part of Gaga's entourage before she hits the statosphere. Herewith, my top 5 reasons why je adore Lady Gaga:

1. She carries a crystal scepter that lights up
2. She clearly likes a good party and to party (some lyrics in Just Dance include "I've had a little bit too much" "where are my keys? I've lost my phone" and "What's the name of this club? I can't remember but it's alright")
3. She got her breakthrough the hard way - busting her ass doing shows in nasty clubs and tirelessly self promoting herself
4. She has the fiercest fashion sense ever. She says when writing her songs she imagines what she'll be wearing when performing them. Plus her two iconic features - dramatic bangs and outrageous sunglasses are amazing
5. She's totally queer (bisexual) and has already played on Fire Island, The Miss Universe Pageant, and So You Think You Can Dance. How gay is that??
6. The first 13 seconds of her music video are the undeniable the most entertaining and unique piece of media I've seen this year.
7. She reminds me of everything I love about New York

I predict she will be a MAJOR player in the music and fashion scene. Her full album Fame drops in October. . .much more to come on this dame.

The Big Gay Wedding pt. 1

So just over two weeks ago, I took one of the most important steps in my life and I got married. To a man. Yay Massachusetts! My new husband Rick Smetana and I got married at a beautiful English style manor named Mepal Manor in New Marlborough, MA. Getting married involves so many things, so many people, and so many emotions. Trying to stay true to my go-with-the-flow persona, I swore I would not get caught up in all the drama and stress but the truth is, its impossible not to. It would be stressful enough if Rick's parents and mine were meeting for the first time, or I had to host my cousin who I haven't seen in 20 years and her scary boyfriend who wears leather vests so everyone can see his double pieced nipples, or find housing for 20 friends WITHOUT all eyes being on me as I vow to spend the rest of my life with my beloved. But, it all went off with minimal hitches.

We arrived on Thursday day at Tunxis and spent some QT with Mom and Dad, had a nice meal and went over the plans for the final time. We had discussed everything ad naseum hundreds of times, but it was a bit weird to think this is it this ain't no rehearsal. Friday was spent preparing the housing, hauling tables, plates, glasses, etc. to our house for the reception, adding finishing touches to the rooms where guests would be staying, and basically biding our time until the first guests arrived. Rick and I were already pretty exhausted even after a nap by the time 6:30 rolled around, when we were due at the clubhouse for a pre-wedding dinner; that is us and all the Tunxis Club. Kasim and the Niles had arrived first, and we all chatted and had cocktails and finally went in for pizza. Rick was dissappointed because his family, who was driving from Wisconsin were due to arrive much later than expected and would probably be missing the dinner. However, soon Rick's aunt and uncle arrived and everything was pretty much a blur after that: introductions were punctuated by more arrivals, requests to the kitchen for more pizza, futile searches for more beer, and dozens of other hosting duties. By the time we left, we had grown to a group of at least 20 people, and we all headed back to the TRout House for more beer, wine and fun. The barrage of arrivals left me a bit overwhelmed, and I hung to Kasim for the night. Ron's beer flowed freely, and soon everyone was standing in the pitch black down by the horseshoe courts having a grand old time. Rick's family did not seem uncomfortable in the least and Bruce was a gregarious ambassador, deftly socializing with everyone and making everyone feel comfortable. Kasim and I put together and ill-conceived playlist after ABBA began to annoy everyone, and by the time "My Humps" came on, Sue, Rick's soon to be aunt-in-law and I got to booty bumping and hilarity ensued.

Staying over at Pretty Penny was clutch for the wedding. It is a beautiful guest house owned by Bob and Gloria Gery, and built so that you feel like you are floating above the lake. It allowed Rick and me to get away from all the craziness in a peaceful setting. I slept fitfully that night, as expected, and woke up around 6:00 to a gorgeous blue sky. After tossing and turning for a while, I fell back asleep and woke up to gray, overcast skies. No matter. It didn't look rainy and I wasn't going to stress. Rick and I got dressed in relative quiet and soon Reid and Martin appeared to take us to the Manor in their festooned Range Rover. They helped us finish dressing and when they turned on the car "Into the Nightlife" started pumping. The big gay wedding had officially begun!!

I had been very nervous leading up to the wedding thinking that I would be a sloppy mess with emotion during the ceremony. Often the sappiest movie scene can make me well up with overflowing raw emotion. Seriously, The Incredibles made me cry. Longtime Companion? Hot mess. My cousin's wedding? More of the same. Sara Wight's wedding? (who I consider a friend but do not know very well) super hot tranny mess who was not appologizing for it. So I was anticipating an event filled with such genuine, personal love with an equal mix of dread and curiosity as to how far off the deep end I would plunge. Would I be able to speak with during my vows? Would we have to take a break while I composed myself enough to continue? I was also worried that I someone would see me tear up, and I would set them off, and then they would compound my emotion. The domino effect of such a situation would be grave in such a homo-heavy environment. And what would Rick be like? While he is usually the model of disinterested logic rather than emotion, he had admitted to me that there was a possibility he would be emotional as well. If Rick was a mess, there was no hope for a non-sloppy wedding.

Bring Ya to the Brink was the first indication that I might be a mess. As Cyndi sang out "I'll take you till you're all spun up and in love. . ." I felt pressure behind my eyes and a tightness in my throat. I had to look away and pretend like I was enjoying the scenery so as give away the secret that I was crying at my happiness to getting gay married, prompted by a Cyndi Lauper song. I composed myself again and we arrived at the Manor. It was nice to see Sara and David already there, hard at work taking photos. We pulled up and the photo shoot began. Photos were being taken in front on the Manor, in front of the car, adjusting my tie, pouring some water, making a sandwich, taking a nap, etc.

I was nervous, mostly worried that I would become the aforementioned hot sloppy mess during my vows. I knew there were alot of crier in the audience: Arthur, my mother, and most straight women, and I knew if I caught a glimpse of them tearing up it could set me off, and to what extent? Would I have to get a hanky? We would have to take a break? I didn't want to ruin my own wedding. I poured myself several large glasses of water and took a moment to write my vows into my personal book, so I wouldn't have to read time from a computer print out, and so in writing them I would become more familiar with them myself. Slowly people began to arrive. My family, Rick's family, Jess, Elena, Joe and Michelle. More pictures! Smiles, suits and dresses.

The Lexington people arrived, with Ariel looking particularly gorgeous, and totally nervous about singing her song. I had asked Ariel to sing I'll take care of you by the Dixie Chicks a couple months back and thankfully she said it would be an honor for her to do so. I first fell in love with song during my initial Dixie Chicks obsession phase, and it made me cry hearing the love and devotion expressed in the song. It gets across the message that love and relationships are not always smiles and laughter, that often time there is grief and hardships and to me thats what love is: sticking by your partner when things are shitty. My favorite line, which is making me tear up right now is "and when you rise with crying eyes, then I'll take care of you."

So Ariel went off to practice the song a few times before the ceremony as more people started to arrive. The Skiddes came en mass which was really exciting. Laura had just flown in from Oregon and had driven up the morning of and she looked AMAZING in a purple shirt, and vest suit outfit and Meera, Dorothy and Matt and Mark all looked fab as well. Danny finally arrived and was a nervous nelly hot tranny mess, w hich was sort of hilarious and sort of unnerving. He was extremely nervous and we went as we gathered around to go over the ceremony he was asking everyone "are you nervous? Are you nervous? You're singing a song?? You must be SO nervous!!" The run through was sort of a mess and we kept changing which way Rick and I were going to walk down, but we got it mostly down. It was getting late now, past noon, and we were starting to feel a few drops of rain. The manager of the Manor kept coming up to me and telling me he'd like to get started, that he was worried the rain would start, and it was stressing me out. For one, the tennis boys had not arrived, which was ironic since they lived the closest to the spot. Secondly my Mom had just told me the Claude had to turn back to take care of a situation with the dogs. My Dad called me over and told me I needed to start the wedding now and I told him it was MY wedding and not everyone was here yet and I'll start it when I want to. We were on the verge of a wedding meltdown, but I said let's wait 5 more minutes and then we'll go no matter what. After a few minutes I began walking up to the starting place with my Mom and we see Charlie's car tearing up the driveway. So I felt better, because 95% of the people were there, and we were ready

Rick, his mother, my mother and I made final discussion as to which

directions we would walk. We took our mother's hands, and began. The ceremony was wonderful. I was almost trying to keep my mind OFF what was happening, because I was afraid I would lose it. Everyone read beautifully and Ariel sang so beautifully as I knew she would. Surprisingly I kept m y c omposure during song, mostly because I was watching Ariel singing it and not looking into Rick's eyes. Oh no! The vows were next - I was sweating but I got through them flawlessly, reading very slowly and precisely, and looking straight into Rick's eyes. Rick went next and his vows were wonderful as well. Later I heard from many many people that they were emotionally affected by the vows, including Jordanna who said she never cries at weddings, but at ours she did. Paul said that same thing. When exchanging the rings, my ring did not fit on my finger very well and Rick was too afraid to push it on. I wanted to tell him just to push and it'll slide on like we do in the bedroom, but thought it might be an inappropriate time. Finally we kissed, and Danny pronounced us married!

Let me introduce myself. . .

Hey all,

Thought I'd try my hand at this so called internets blog business that all the kids are talking about these days. Lets jump right in with the proper introduction. My name is Jonathan Ross Balthaser. I grew up in suburban Boston (Lexington), attended Skidmore College in upstate New York, and I now live in Brooklyn, New York where I manage a high end furniture and lighting store on Hot-lantic Ave, better known as Atlantic Ave. for the uninitiated. I'm 26 years old. So yes, its true, I'm white, middle class and male. I know it sounds dreadfully dull, but here where it gets a little interesting - I'm a flaming homosexual. Because even this distinction elicts yawns from the non-christian fundamentalist masses these days, I got married (to a man) this summer and we now live is wedded bliss (usually) with our adorable dog Kipper. Whether I want to admit it or not, my decision to wed has ushered in a new phase of my life and behold, a blog is born to document it all. In this blog I intend to comment on, among other things: gay life, married life, my life obsessions, interests and pet peeves, board games, Provincetown, my dog, Brooklyn, my husband, sex, hot men, video games, wii, my desire for an xbox 360, tennis, horror movies, indie movies, and all other kinds of movies, guys I wanna do, guys who wanna do me, my evolving relationship with drugs, musings on how most entertainment is over-rated, my desire to write for Entertainment Weekly, my quest to get into Journalism Grad school, my job, poppers, Abba, Madonna, ways my husband annoys me, ways my husband makes me happy, Massachusetts, the Berkshires, New York City, my fear and the lure of moving to the country, my anxieties that the world is about to end, the saga of our apartment building and whether or not we are getting a fat payoff to move out early, porn, the Patriots and Tom Brady (see: hot men and guys I wanna do), my parents, my brother, my extremely gay family, my friends, Settlers of Catan, my sordid past, and hot tranny messes, among other things.

xoxo,

JR